real or illusion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
real or illusion?
7
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 7:51pm

Foggy posted on my other thread and brought up something I said that I have really been wrestling with as I read here and in books and other places about the affair dynamic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:10pm

UM,

I am taking a moment of a lull at this Christmas party to answer this from my perspective because I could have written your post word. for. word.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:52pm

UM,

I do not doubt that you feel you were/are in love, nor do I doubt it could have been a great thing had you both been single, BUT you aren't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 8:56pm

I know I might get some rotten eggs thrown at me here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 9:16pm

Thanks, Lolly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 9:22pm
I appreciate that, betternow. I did try to do the right thing. I have done it for sure, now and I feel good about that. I know it took courage for you to say that and I appreciate your willingness to speak your convictions.

I am working on me now, I have been. I have accountability in place and I am not going back. Forward. I am willing to see the truth. I am not hiding or fantasizing. I didn't ever really do much of that. I tried always to tell myself the truth. That it would be a bloody mess if we gave in to our feelings, whatever they were. And we never did that. We never did. Sometimes selfishly I wish we had. Just so I could have felt once what it was like to be with him, but even that would have been an illusion and not real. It would have been trying to believe a lie. We always told each other the truth and it hurt like hell most of the time.

Anyway, thanks...I am getting myself strong. That's my focus now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 9:23pm
Better -
No eggs - but a little reality.
An affair is an affair is an affair.
You cannot use affair and integrity in the same sentence - it's impossible to have both.
By definition an affair is: A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that is between two people who are not married to one another.
There can be no integrity no matter if it starts as friends, or as complete strangers.

Affairs, short and sweet are lies. They are fantasy in real form.

Because you have been in your NC for a short time, you will come to see it as long as you stay dedicated to NC, to clearing your mind of this.

Much love,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 12-10-2010 - 9:29pm
LOL Dee sings my Lolly Lolly Lolly Get your Adverbs here a lot! LOL it is good that you realize you are in a mode of grief. And yes - it is EPIC stupid. We have all committed EPIC STUPID. However, that one Epic moment does not define us forever. I would give anything to be able to turn back time and try to change things between the soon-to-be-exH (STBX) and me. To have one more REAL chance to engage and work on things with him, But since wishes aren't fishes.... Reality is that we come through it and then move forward. I actually went NC this summer with xMM but went fishing once and then again (because I'm epic-slow-learner) and I wanted to believe in the "I know we had love" mentality. SO - my current NC date is Oct 18.

You can do it. Keep reading, keep writing, Stick with it!
Much Love
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