The real side of it
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The real side of it
| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:07am |
Since XMM and I ended our A, and since I've had time to calm my nerves and collect my thoughts. (Today will mark the longest for NC for us), I can't help but realize that yes, it's finally over. I envision him calling saying he can't live without me, like he has before. Him calling to check and see if i'm okay. Him calling to say "I'm thinking about you". The real side of it is that, all the times he did that, he made that effort in hopes that he would get his needs met. I wanted to think it was truly heartfelt, and maybe in his eyes it was.
I feel relief that I am no longer living a lie, double life, etc, which is SO not me. But also I'm feeling empty, hurt, and angry. Probably at myself mostly for allowing myself to fall to the level I did. And the stupid part of it is....That I care for him. And at one time I thought would have walked away from all that I have to start a life with him.
This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure in my life. Gosh, I hope I can keep up my will to get thru this.
Thanks for listening!
TCOM

I guess the confusion of it all is what gets to me, and the sadness of losing someone dear and important. Just read ada_j's post "i thought this was interesting.." and this one line really got to me: "People leave you because they are not joined to
you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over."
Puh.. To me those are very powerful words. I have come a long way in some weeks, but deep down I'm not really out of the woods yet. And those words hit me hard, how sad it is that our story is over. I felt I really wanted to send these lines to MM and tell him how I feel, but I won't. I will be strong and continue walking the path towards easier days. So I write this reply instead, without any good advice, I'm afraid - but just to offer support, let you know you're not alone with your struggles. I too wonder how I could fall so hard and so fast, and be ready to chuck it all in for him.
In 3 days I will meet MM again, first time in almost 4 weeks. And that last time was when he said it had to sort of end. I know I have moved on a bit, but still have many questions that I probably will ask. The suspension I feel before this encounter is big...
Good luck to you, TCOM!! What a relief to have found this place :-)
I try and remember how happy I was before I got involved in the affair. The carefree, feeling, the love of friends, and family. Now I'm healing from hurt and anger, of 1 person, (really 2, me & him both) I'll forgive myself tho, and try and stop being so hard on myself because I slipped down that ole' nasty road called an affair.
Please be strong, think of YOURSELF and YOUR family, and YOUR life. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take things one day at a time, or one hour at a time or one minute at a time. That's what I have to do, and one day I won't hurt anymore.
TCOM
Have also had this feeling of being far down on his priority list. I mean, I would do everything possible just to be able to talk to him on the phone, but he wouldn't - at least not for a long time. In the beginning he would even go jogging with his cell phone just to talk to me... Guess I have to put more thoughts into the negative changes/stuff like that and not only dwell on good memories.
Think I'll go listen to "I will survive" with Gloria Gaynor. LOL. But really, it is a great song to sing out loud and feel powerful :-)
mankella
Be happy!!!!
TCOM :)