The real side of it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
The real side of it
4
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:07am
Since XMM and I ended our A, and since I've had time to calm my nerves and collect my thoughts. (Today will mark the longest for NC for us), I can't help but realize that yes, it's finally over. I envision him calling saying he can't live without me, like he has before. Him calling to check and see if i'm okay. Him calling to say "I'm thinking about you". The real side of it is that, all the times he did that, he made that effort in hopes that he would get his needs met. I wanted to think it was truly heartfelt, and maybe in his eyes it was.

I feel relief that I am no longer living a lie, double life, etc, which is SO not me. But also I'm feeling empty, hurt, and angry. Probably at myself mostly for allowing myself to fall to the level I did. And the stupid part of it is....That I care for him. And at one time I thought would have walked away from all that I have to start a life with him.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure in my life. Gosh, I hope I can keep up my will to get thru this.

Thanks for listening!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:41pm
I hear you!! Understand too well what you are going through, I'm at the same place right now. The frustration of this back-and-forth thing is hard to deal with. You know you should move on and you know you will feel better, but still this tiny hope keeps playing tricks on you.

I guess the confusion of it all is what gets to me, and the sadness of losing someone dear and important. Just read ada_j's post "i thought this was interesting.." and this one line really got to me: "People leave you because they are not joined to

you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over."

Puh.. To me those are very powerful words. I have come a long way in some weeks, but deep down I'm not really out of the woods yet. And those words hit me hard, how sad it is that our story is over. I felt I really wanted to send these lines to MM and tell him how I feel, but I won't. I will be strong and continue walking the path towards easier days. So I write this reply instead, without any good advice, I'm afraid - but just to offer support, let you know you're not alone with your struggles. I too wonder how I could fall so hard and so fast, and be ready to chuck it all in for him.

In 3 days I will meet MM again, first time in almost 4 weeks. And that last time was when he said it had to sort of end. I know I have moved on a bit, but still have many questions that I probably will ask. The suspension I feel before this encounter is big...

Good luck to you, TCOM!! What a relief to have found this place :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 6:38am
Your support is so welcomed. Thanks. When you meet MM again. Be strong. What I am doing is telling myself..If he truly loved me, he would have left, if he truly loved me he would have put forth more time for us, other than when it was convenient for him. I tell myself these things cause it's the truth. I am starting to see that I was no more to him than someone to talk to, and have handy for his needs. (The real side of it.)

I try and remember how happy I was before I got involved in the affair. The carefree, feeling, the love of friends, and family. Now I'm healing from hurt and anger, of 1 person, (really 2, me & him both) I'll forgive myself tho, and try and stop being so hard on myself because I slipped down that ole' nasty road called an affair.

Please be strong, think of YOURSELF and YOUR family, and YOUR life. Life is too short to be unhappy. Take things one day at a time, or one hour at a time or one minute at a time. That's what I have to do, and one day I won't hurt anymore.

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 4:46pm
Thanks in return for your support, TCOM!! I have read your words over and over, feeling the strength growing inside.

Have also had this feeling of being far down on his priority list. I mean, I would do everything possible just to be able to talk to him on the phone, but he wouldn't - at least not for a long time. In the beginning he would even go jogging with his cell phone just to talk to me... Guess I have to put more thoughts into the negative changes/stuff like that and not only dwell on good memories.

Think I'll go listen to "I will survive" with Gloria Gaynor. LOL. But really, it is a great song to sing out loud and feel powerful :-)

mankella

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 8:22pm
Girl...You listen to that song as many times as you need to and you sing just as loud as you can!!!!! You and all of us here, dealing with this affair stuff will survive!



Be happy!!!!

TCOM :)