The Real Update on Today

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
The Real Update on Today
9
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 4:50pm

Ok, so I just had to get it all out while it was fresh.... and I am going to let my blog serve double duty and post it here. There is really so much more than this, but I think it is a good start to help you all understand what it was like today. I am headed home now to hug and kiss my DH and go out to dinner with him to celebrate my new job. He is even skipping class tonight for this... and that is HUGE. I am overwhelmed with love for him.

The Whirlwind

I am completely and utterly exhausted. This day has been a literal whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been up. I’ve been down. I’ve been numb. I’ve been steadfast and stoic. I’ve been relieved. I’ve been calm and collected. I’ve been heartbroken. I’ve been proud. I’ve been humbled. I’ve been elated. I’ve been nervous. I’ve been excited. And I’ve been overwhelmed with love and adoration for my husband. It has been a roller coaster, to say the least.

Let me try to sum this up.

I woke up and got ready just like any other day… spending just a few extra moments on my hair, make-up and clothes to ensure that I looked and felt my absolute best. I was in for a big day.

First, I had a second interview with a potential employer. The goal of the interview, for me, was to gather information so I could use it to leverage my other job offer. I was bold. I was brazen. I was on fire during the interview and was asked for a 3rd interview to meet the other members of the management team. I asked the questions I needed to ask and secured the information I needed to make an educated decision about the current job offer from another employer.

After leaving the interview, I ran home quickly to pick up some supplies for my shoot. My husband was there and I greeted him with a gigantic smile. The interview exhilarated me. I shine in situations like that, so I was riding the wave. He and I talked through the position, the salary and benefits, and how it all compares to the current job offer. With conviction we decided that I should accept the current offer. A rush of relief and excitement came over me. A new chapter… the next step in this amazing journey for me. I hugged him and kissed him goodbye. I looked into his eyes and told him that I loved him and soaked that up as I headed out the door for the shoot.

On the way to the shoot, I cranked my happy music. I was still reeling from the interview and the excitement of making a decision about my new career. I wouldn’t allow my mind to wander to what I was headed towards. I sang at the top of my lungs. I opened the sunroof. I let the happiness engulf me. When I pulled into the parking lot of my affair partner’s studio, I didn’t skip a beat. I parked, grabbed the stuff out of the back of my car, chatted with his business partner who was on his way in, walked into the studio, set my stuff down and got to work. I avoided eye contact with him for a long time. I didn’t talk directly to him unless it was absolutely necessary. I didn’t laugh at his jokes or acknowledge his slightly personal comments. I am proud of my performance. I was cool, calm and collected by all outward appearances.

On the inside… that’s another story…

When I arrived and set down my stuff, I took a seat to check over some emails and was quite astonished by my calmness. “I was okay. This was going to be okay,” I thought. Then, the work began and I had to communicate with him. I had to look at him… and little by little, the holes in my armor started to reveal themselves. Emotions started boiling up… I am not even sure what emotions they were, but they were dancing dangerously close to all-consuming. A lump formed in my throat and my eyes burned with tears on the brink of rebellion. I kept pushing it all down and forged forward. I numbed myself to the situation.

Halfway through the shoot, my husband called and I went outside to talk to him. Hearing his voice caused the tears to rush forth instantly. His love, concern, compassion and support for me in preparing for this day overwhelms me with love and admiration for him. He is my bedrock. He is my safe harbor in this storm. He calmed me. He talked me through it, and when I was ready to walk back in, he told me he loved me and would be home when I was done. I felt a renewed sense of strength.

I finished the shoot with poise. I could tell my affair partner felt awkward, but I did nothing to make him more comfortable. I made him seek my approval, instead of stroking his ego like I would have done in the past. He complimented my shoes and my new cell phone case. I did not acknowledge these compliments. He was, however, gracious. He was professional in his way. In reality, the shoot could not have gone better. We got what we needed and he treated me with respect and kindness. That is the part that works itself into my heart. He washed my dishes for me and helped me pack them away and then carried my boxes out to the car for me. It was nice, but I did not fawn all over him, I simply thanked him, got in my car and drove away.

As I drove away, I cranked up my happy music again and rolled down the windows in my car. It wasn’t until I was well out of sight from the studio that the emotional dam broke. Tears streamed down my face before I even knew I was crying. But I had done it- they were tears of pain, but they were also tears of joy and pride. By the time I reached my office, I was smiling and singing again. I faced my greatest fear. I confronted heartache and overcame it. It was not easy. And I am sure there will be some residual effects in the days ahead, but today, I DID IT. I did what I did not think I could do. I faced him without caring in my eyes or love in my heart.

Throughout the shoot, when the thoughts started to creep in, or my heart started to ache, I was able to push it aside. But seeing him was hard. He’s so handsome. And we really did share some good times together, supporting each other during difficult times and getting to know each other. Most of my heartache comes from regret; the regret of allowing it to go too far. He was my friend… I miss that. I know that I can never have it back, and that is what causes the tears to well up. Forget the “love” I thought we had. Forget the “fantasy” of our life together. Forget the fact that I obliterated my self-worth and threw my dignity away. I mourn the loss of the friendship more than anything else. And looking forward, knowing that today may have been the last time I will ever see him, I mourn forever without him.

However, those feelings are fleeting and far outweighed by my resolve. For me, today solidifies the unparalleled healing power of “no contact.” And now, moving forward with a new job, that will be easier for me. There will not be limited contact to set me back. I can truly get on with my healing. I feel so free. Today also solidifies for me that it is over; there’s no going back; the doors and windows are, in fact, shut tight. The past 62 days have been transformative. Just like the seasons… 62 days ago, when I walked away from that studio, it was snowy and windy. I had to bundle up. The tears literally froze in place on my cheeks as I hurried back to my car. Today, as I walked away from that studio, the sun was shining and the breeze was soothing. It was a gorgeous spring day. It was as if the world were telling me that it’s going to be okay- that I can count on continued healing.

Tomorrow, I start a new chapter of my life… day 63 of this journey. I want to bottle up this feeling and share it with others. I have my whole life ahead of me and it begins NOW. I look forward with hope.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT MY ARMY TODAY.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 6:54pm

You are an inspiration of the truest kind, Jane. Your story of today is heartfelt and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. I believe this post belongs in the healing library.


You are an amazing woman. You have helped me -- and many others here, I'm sure -- in the most unselfish of ways by sharing your daily emotions--good, bad and ugly! Your blog is wonderful, too.


Congrats on the new job. This really is just the beginning of so many wonderful new things in your life. So very happy for you, hon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 7:38pm

Beautifully written. It was like reading a page out of a novel filled with raw emotions, honest admissions, the good, the bad, and the painfully ugly realizations of where you once were to where you are now. Indeed a remarkable transformation.


Thank you for sharing this with us. Tomorrow starts the first day of the rest of your life. Now you need to change your moniker to the "AwesomelifeofJane." ;-)


(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 9:34pm

Jane!

What a beautiful blog you have written. I am so very proud of you! You strength inspires me, but so does your honesty. Thank you for sharing all of your emotions, even the ones that showed that you were hurting- that you missed your friend.

I think that is the hardest thing, missing the friendship. That's how mine started, and now I'm having to let it go because I crossed the line. But, Jane, you've shown me that leaving it behind is the best thing I can do for myself.

I am in awe of you today, my friend. Have a wonderful night of rest, you deserve it! :)

Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Wed, 03-31-2010 - 11:49pm

Jane,

I love what you wrote...thank you for giving me hope and strength in a challenging LC situation. One day I want and strive to feel the hope and joy you had today...even with tears.

xoxo,
Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 9:40am

Thank you all for your support-

It kind of makes me wince to read that I am an inspiration... or that I am strong. I am just doing what I need to do to move on... and it's not easy... not at all. Sometimes I feel so weak. Sometimes I just want to curl up and die. But, I am starting to believe in myself again, and that is in large part to the support and kind words I receive here. The A obliterated my self worth and confidence, so it's hard to believe that anyone could look up to me or think that I am an inspiration. Thanks for saying so ladies- you have no idea how much that means to my broken spirit.

Hugs.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 9:54am
Oh, my gosh. I wish like hell I could give you a real hug!
xoxoxo
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 11:20am

Jane,


You did amazingly well! You should be so proud. Sometimes we build things up in our mind to be bigger than they actually are.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 11:26am

You could add it to Wisdom and Insight (part duex) in the Healing Library! Just cut and paste. Since it was your idea, I thought maybe you would like to do the honors!


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 12:14pm

Jane,


Your are definitely an amazing woman.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3