Realization- I'm just sex to him

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Realization- I'm just sex to him
15
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 6:31pm

I just need to write because I am so sick of my waffling and I'm getting so close to actually ending it. Maybe some harsh responses will help me face reality.

I've been trying to end it with my MM. I did start NC, and then when he called, just caved and acted like nothing happened. So we got together, ended up having IC in the car again, and now I'm supposed to see him Thursday.

The IC is great, but the problem is, I never wanted to have a purely sexual A. Now that I can see that's what it's become for him (or has been all along) I can't keep doing it. I read the Reduction post. I read about the poor BS. I feel like crap. I want out. I can't for the life of me understand why this is hard for me to do. Every time I talk to him I'm reminded of how unimportant I am to him. He is leaving on a cruise with his W in 5 weeks. He tells me how he has to go shopping for things. I don't want to hear about it. It's like he's lost all sensitivity. He always seems bored talking to me, unless we start talking about sex. I joked about breaking up with him before he goes on his cruise so I can just start getting over him. (I was kind of serious.) He said, "Oh we'll just break up after this Thursday then. Give you more time to deal with me going on the cruise." But of course, he said he would have no problem being a booty call for me if I needed him. He was serious. This is NOT how this started! He said he loved me, thought about being with me, missed me. When did he just decide I meant nothing to him anymore? I'm just outside sex to him.

Why would I even want to be with this jerk? He makes me feel so low. I am a decent-looking college-educated hard-working loving woman that a lot of men would want. Why am I putting up with this kind of treatment? Why do I think I can't do better?

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm just tired of crying. I read so much good stuff on this board, and I pray that it starts sinking in. I don't want to be pining over this guy for the next year.

I'm so miserable.
Breathe

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:43pm

~Breathe~


<<<I read the Reduction post. I read about the poor BS. I feel like crap. I want out.>>>


Honey, listen to me very carefully......


Originally I wrote my "Reduction" post 2-3 months after I ended my affair. I

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 11:33pm

Oh ID, I wish someone would lock me up and call my MM and tell him I said to eff off and leave me alone b/c I am too weak and pathetic to do it.

I am sitting here crying my eyes out again.

<<>>

I just realized that he has taken everything away from me. I have nothing left. I am so disappointed in myself. I couldn't even do the breaking up. When I said I would break up with him in 4 weeks before his cruise, he said he would break up with me this week. I can't even end it with some dignity. Yes, I can. I can just choose right now to start NC and not even see him Thursday at all. But I know I will be one of those people on the board saying, "I didn't get to 'officially' end it. I have no 'closure'. I didn't get to tell him all the things I wanted to say."

Oh please God, give me the strength to walk away Thursday with some shred of dignity. I thank you all for your posts. I really needed it tonight, but I'm still going to be up crying and hoping to God I don't make an a** out of myself and call him tomorrow. I will be on the board a lot tomorrow to stay sane. If you see me on here, please help me get through the day. I can't believe how stupid, sad, and pathetic I feel. I'm no better than my drug addict H.

I'm sorry. I'm going to soak in the tub and try not to drown myself. Kidding about that. I love my family too much to do something like that to them.

Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 5:46am

{{{{{{{{{{{Breathe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am sorry that you are in such pain. It will be hard. Cry (it releases tension build up).

I was going to suggest not to show up on Thursday. But in reality I know that would be very very difficult to do. Showing up on Thursday will be difficult as well. You may not get to say everything you want to say or. worse yet, not get a reaction that will leave you feeling better. I am still leaning on the opinion of not showing up. I wish I'd not made a certain last call because something slipped out of my mouth that I know is still lingering with him and perhaps making it easier on him to think he has made the right decision. (I know I know what I said was a backlash sniper remark and I have to deal with not being "perfect" as I thought or at least wanted to show him lol ::sigh::).

If you must see him Thursday, practice in your mind what you are going to say. It may not go that way but at least you will have some forethought. Leave with dignity is all I can say because that is what will runimerate in your mind. You will go over and over in your mind that last encounter for a good long time.

Hold onto the pride you have mustered in realizing what has been happening. That will comfort you. Those who hold on TOO LONG even after indignation and humilation from someone have to suffer the nausea of knowing so without healthy recourse. That just makes the healing process longer. To me that is just making the bastards win.

You know when enough is enough. I killed mine with kindness. Let him suffer the guilt of hurting and humiliating me (perhaps he doesn't suffer guilt and that is reason alone for me to be gone). Its hard when you fall in love with someone you thought you knew...just to find out they don't exist. I've stopped trying to dig deeper to find out. It shouldn't be that hard. I've now dug deeper for me so that I can push off the bottom.

My friend has a wonderful b/f that I just met for the first time (they live LD from me and have been together for 2 years). After what ive been through I was starting to feel that men are really duplicitous neandrethals. (what a mindf$#ker he was). My friend's boyfriend has given me new hope that men can indeed be kind and loving and deep. Even at my age...maybe I will find someone who is human for myself. I am going to now spend time working on my self (springing up from the bottom) and find the surface so my face can shine in the sun and smile once again. I hope they can be exciting and kind and deep and loving. Ive never found that together in a man lol.
Hope springs eternal as long as you are breathing,
::::::::::::Hugs::::::::::::::::::::
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 12:59pm

Thanks, Lizzie

I am really doing a number on myself lately. I go from strong to weak in a second. I was not going to call him today, and then a couple of hours later, I decided yes, I would call. Thanks to a pep talk from my mom, I will NOT call. I have made up my mind to tell him it's over, and practiced saying it a billion times! Now if I can just really say it...

I know when I see his face it's going to be hard, but I'll have to remember how all I do the rest of the time is cry. One hour after leaving him the last time we were together, I was crying. There's no joy anymore. I don't know what I'm hanging on to.

I think the only thing I'm afraid of, is just craving a man's loving touch. Without my H around now, and then without MM, who is going to put his arms around me? I think I'll be okay without MM in my life. I'm just going to really miss his kiss and his touch. I haven't been without a man in my life for 20 years. I don't know how to do it. It's just not a good enough reason to keep this A going. It's destroying me.

I know I will get stronger with time. I will be able to be alone with just my kids and be okay with it. It takes getting used to like everything else, but at least I will know I did the right thing ending the A, and I hope that one day there will be someone in my life who will be whole and healthy and able to come to a relationship as a partner to someone else whole, healthy, and available!

Thanks and Hugs-
Breathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 7:27pm

Hi Breathe,

Even if you don't get to "officially" end it. You can end it all the same. I didn't get
to do that either, but I later found I didn't really need that.

I went back and forth for a month, trying to end it. My head knew it was time, but my heart didn't want to believe it. Once I saw that the days I was hurting because of him, were outweighing the happy days, it was easier. Everytime I said to him I couldn't do it anymore, the more I meant it. And I said it a lot that last month of the A! lol

You sound like you're almost there. Start NC now. Don't be there Thursday. It's harder than hell, to end it. And it hurts like hell too. The pain will go away in time. The longer you stay in it and let him treat you this way, the less dignity and self respect you will have in the end. You DO deserve to be loved, and respected. He will never be able to give you that. You are worth so much more than you are getting! The sooner you end it, the sooner he can't hurt you anymore!!

Owl

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