Really confused & need advise
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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 12:12pm |
I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible. I've been in this EMA since 1987 (seems like an eternity). But it's only been since 1999 that he has been promising to leave his W and family to pursue a life with me. Needless to say it hasn't happened, and honesly I don't think it will. Even if he did leave his W and family, there is no way I would want this man in my life.
I know I don't want him in my life anymore. But there is this unexplainable hold. I can't seem to tell him, I don't want him.
Here is my situation today: He helps me financially, he basically pays my cell phone bill so that we can talk. Now he is getting a settlement from his job, and wants to pay for the repair of my truck, it amounts to about $600. I feel bad taking his money knowing that I don't want him in my life, and planning to end it with him, as soon as I get the nerve. When he paid my cell phone bill this month, I made a promise to myself to never accept money from him. Then 2 days later my truck broke down. I have no other way of paying for the repairs. I need my vehicle to get back and forth to work, and to take my daughter to school.
I honestly think he wants me to depend on him financially making it harder to break up with him. He says that he feels the distance in our relationship. Well, he's only strung me along for 4 years. I'm tired and I want off this roller coaster ride.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
SL

Since 1987?!? Big hugs to you....this is not going to be so easy....an EMA that lasts for 17 years is a long time to extricate oneself from--so congratulations on your first step!!! (really!).
Honestly, and you know the answer to this, he isn't going to leave his wife....not now, not ever. If he was going to, he would've done so by now. Even if he DID leave....leaving one person for another is just disaster waiting to happen. But you seem to know this on one level (now, whether there is a smattering of "hope" that just maybe, someday, he might leave....lol, well, that's another thing to deal with later...).
I can understand why you want off of this ride...the roller coaster makes you nauseous after a while.....
First things first....stop accepting ANY money from him. I KNOW this is MUCH easier said then done, but it will the first step in buying your freedom back. If he doesn't pay the cellphone, well good! less opportunity to talk to him!!!
The car issue...well, that's trickier.....do you have a credit card? (not that I'm advocating cc use, but its good for emergencies such as this?). How long have you been going to your mechanic....ever try working out a payment plan with him? How is your relationship with your family? ever try to borrow money from them? (i know that can be a very LOADED topic with some families). Is there any way you can carpool your daughter for a short time with promises of re-paying other parents in the future? Do you live near or close to a busline? IF you ABSOLUTELY have no other means to money and HAVE to go to MM...consider it a LOAN and PAY HIM BACK...even if it's $5 or $10/week--do what you can, but make it clear that its a LOAN.
To me, it *sounds* almost controlling....he knows that you now depend on him financially to some extent...and that throws off the control/power of the relationship....maybe he likes the fact that you have to run to him for money..giving him an inflated sense of self or power. (or I could be WAY off base, and he might be a nice guy trying to help you out). But look carefully at this situation.
When YOU want to end it, you will.....and nothing will change that fact.
Good luck...keep posting!!
To answer a few of your questions regarding my transportation. My daughter's school is far from where we live, and there is no one in our neighborhood (that I know anyway) that she could carpool with. My cc is maxed out from having my car repaired in November. The only family member I could borrow money from, is my mother, and she is worst financially than I am. I live out from the city and no buses run out there. I'm so strapped with financiall obligations it would take me forever to pay my mechanic $600. I'm still making car payments. Accepting this money from MM, is the only way.
But, you are right, I'm going to stop accepting money from MM. This is a loan. Even if I have to mail him a money order (because I have ended things) he will get every penny of this money back.
I think you are right on another issue. It makes him feel good for me to run to him for money. This is the first step of ending this night mare once and for all.
Find a relative, or another friend, a bank, hock some "stuff", or SOMETHING. I never advise running up a credit card, but if you have one, I'd incur that insane interest rate rather than borrowing more money from him.
Do you own your home? You could take out a home equity line, and the interest is tax-deductible. Use it to pay off your card and your truck.
Separate yourself. I'd bet you could find the money somewhere if you tried hard.
Trust your instincts.
Do you work for a large firm or a small one? Some firms will provide assistance to employees for such things. They won't offer unless you ask ("hey... help me get here to work")
Another angle would be local social assistance agencies. Do you have any aid for your daughter? Food stamps would free your grocery money for things like home/truck repair.
(on a lighter, funnier note.. I bet if you set up a website.. "send me a buck so I can get away from this guy" with a picture, you'd make your $600.)
;o)
A bank would laugh in my face. I always used my cc as a back up, and when my transmission went out a week before Thanksgiving I had to max it out to get a transmission for my truck. The interest is insane.
Believe me if there was another way I would do it.