Really confused -sorry, long
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|Thu, 04-03-2003 - 4:32am|
Guys, I'm really confused...and could really use your input. I posted here last week because I was about to start a project working with the MM who was my friend and was really apprehensive. Here's a bit more history - we were friends and about 7 months ago, worked on a project together. We started feeling something deeper and he pursued me but I couldn't get involved because it's just not "me". I'm just not able to enter into something where I felt I would be hurt in the end, not to mention everyone else connected - his family, etc. It was hell, because I really felt connected, attracted and friendship. We emailed awhile though and then he just stopped emailing - cold. Never answered my last email, acted distant and treated me very business-like at a meeting we both had to attend. And, believe it or not, I felt rejected - there was no A, yet I felt that.
I tried to accept that for whatever reason, this is how he chose to handle and deal with me and tried to accept that this type of sudden N/C was probably better in the long run. But inside, I was really hurting because I thought what kind of friendship was that? Why wouldn't he just at least try to explain that he felt uncomfortable, that he felt he made a mistake - anything to at least let me see that he wasn't just being cold and rude. But there was no choice but to try to accept that change in the friendship. I just didn't have the strength to approach him and find out at that time -
Well, that was four months ago - and I worked hard on myself to deal with what I perceived as a "rejection". And I was doing great too. I really was able to get myself to the point where, no matter what happened, I was still worthwhile, worthy of better treatment, etc. etc. And the first day of the new project I handled it - I was professional, we said hello, he actually came over and sat beside me at the meeting - I did not approach him. Then I left, and actually felt I was o.k. I really didn't feel the same sense of hurt I had felt before when he ignored me. I truly felt I was going to be o.k. with this working situation.
Now the present - last week, he did not come into work. It was announced that there was a death in his family. And it was also announced that another one of his family member was also terminal with cancer, and may not have much time, so that our support for this man would be greatly appreciated. Folks, I'm only human - this man was once a friend. I knew (know) his family. I reacted as anyone would - I had to send a condolence and emailed immediately. I know I did the right thing for me because I would have felt worse if I hadn't. He emailed me back very quickly to thank me for my kindness, how hard it was right now, etc. I know I had to do this, but sadly I feel like I'm back to square one in my "healing". It's brought so many things back and I am going through a huge gamut of feelings - compassion for the family and him, yet anger and resentment too, because he never contacted me when I could have used it, then that makes me feel guilty "how dare I be hurt and angry when their family is going through so much?" It's like I'm comparing my pain to his and mine should be "less". I feel I should have said something four months ago to at least attempt to get closure or at least avoid misinterpreting what happened. But at that time, I felt so rejected, I just didn't want to face any more. Now I feel it's too late and totally an innappropriate time.
I feel all the work I've done to try to "move on" has been for nothing. I'm crying again over this, yet I feel like I have to "be strong" again and swallow my feelings and try to be supportive at these meetings. And I don't get it...I really thought I was making progress. I guess I just needed to come back here and unload because I don't understand what I'm going through right now...thanks so much.