Really frustrated with myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Really frustrated with myself.
5
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 2:51am
I have been in an EMA with a friend of the family for a little over a year. I have called it off several times but when I did we are always back talking within a day or 2. What is really bothering me besides the obvious(both of us being M) is that I think my 3 year old is starting to understand what is going on. We have kissed in front of her a time or 2 and she hears me talk on the phone. The reason I know she is realizing the situation is because she has started telling me "_loves you mommy. lets call him" And a couple of different times when our families got together she has walked up to him and said in front of his wife "you love my mommy". I love my kids dearly and don't want to put them in the middle of my mistake. Has anyone else been in a situation like this? The MM's son who is 16 has gone to MMW and said he saw his dad trying to touch me and MM played it off as if his son was either mistaken or just making it up. I don't want to do that to my kids. Sorry if this is too long I am just upset by this. Can anyone offer any advice on how to get out of this once and for all. How do you find the strength and courage to end it? Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 9:11am
Blunt answer here, but you asked for it.

Are you out of your mind?

How can you even think of being physically demonstrative with OM in front of your kids?

As your 3yo is demonstrating, even the little ones are very observant.

You've dug yourself into quite a hole. While it's probably too late to avoid devastating consequences, my advice to you is to stop what you're doing this instant and avoid all contact with OM no matter what.

Z.V.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 2:49am
I know I have made mistakes thats why I am posting on this board. As far as being showing affection to him in front of my child, we have been friends with the family for a long time and it is not out of the ordinary for us to hug when saying goodbye. Even a little peck on the cheek isn't uncommon. But never the less I know it is wrong. I am the first one to admit that I have made mistakes. I just don't know how to rectify the situation. Anyways thanks for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 10:44am
My advice to you would be to end this A IMMEDIATELY. It's one thing to have your daughter talking about it. She's beginning to understand, but she really doesn't know what's going on. But to have your MM's son witness it is something totally different. Not only can this cause a rift between them that could last a lifetime, but it could also have devastating consquences both families if he witnesses anything else. Both of you are M and if you aren't going to leave your marriages for one another (which doesn't sound like a good idea anyway) then you must break the cycle. It's hard because he's a friend of the family and you can't just get rid of him without revealing to your H the real reason. If you must stay in contact with him, do so only in the company of your H. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 4:17pm
Hi Shorty! It sounds like you are very torn over the whole situation. I would also recommend that you end the A before things get even more complicated. Once your child or MM's children become fully aware of what is going on, you are risking your own and MM's marriages.

Is there any future for you and MM? It does not sound like it from what you posted. I would recommend no contact or very limited contact from now on. Because MM is a family friend, complete NC may be impossible, but you should pull away as far as possible as fast as possible before the A becomes known to both families.

I hope that everything works out for you. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:35am
Yikes!

I'm in a VERY similar situation...in fact I just made a huge plea ("I'm in a Pickle") asking for help on dealing with it. I too have been involved with a friend of the family, and although we were very careful not to be demonstrative in front of our children, it was pretty obvious that we were very emotionally attached to each other. We told everyone we were best friends, which we were. But one day my 5 year old daughter said, "Mommy, are you going to kiss ______?" I said, "Honey, why would you say such a thing?" And she replied, "Because you guys like each other SO much!"

I had to explain to my daughter that he and I were just friends, and that mommies and daddies kissed each other (although she sees us give our friends hugs and pecks on the cheek). She hasn't asked again about it, but then again, our families pretty much cooled down on hanging out with each other a lot right after that. Big surprise. I think everyone caught on. Maybe the spouses don't really know that there was a major physical relationship going on, I think everyone knew we were emotionally connected in a very deep way. Heck, we couldn't hide it from a 5 year old.

I understand how impossible it is to have NC with someone who is so intertwined in your family, and that's my sticky situation. For my sanity I need to have absolutely NO contact, but dangit! I see him every single stinking day! If I was to have no contact at all with him, that would raise far more eyebrows than my daughter asking if I was going to kiss him!