Really having a hard time today....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Really having a hard time today....
6
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 2:19pm

Yesterday was 7 weeks NC.  I had a pretty easy day because I was completely swamped at work, didn't swell or think of xAP too much.  Today is another story.  I am just having such a hard time.  I know that wondering how he is, if he's missing me, etc is not helpful but I just can't stop today. 

Yesterday I had to work a bit late, and was taking my usual route home.  I was waiting to get on the expressway when I saw a car that looked like xAP's ahead of me turn and get on the expressway.  I don't know if the possibility of it being him stirred things up in me or what.  It's totally possible it was him, he still works in my area, and he also takes the same route home - just normally does not get on the expressway there.  I do know that if it was him I am glad I didn't actually see him, I would have been a mess.

Just having such a hard time today Frown

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 3:09pm

I'm sorry you are having a hard time today, (((Changed)))

Yeh, sounds like you were triggered...whether it was him or not...just that it could have been brought it all to the forefront of your mind.

I suppose this is what other addicts go through as well.  They see their drug of choice and the addiction tries to reassert itself.

Hang in there, Changed...it'll pass...as long as you don't act upon your feelings...it'll pass.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Thu, 12-06-2012 - 3:34pm

Thanks Clarity for the hugs, I can use them right now!  I hope tomorrow is a better day...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 3:24am
Hi Changed Sorry to hear that you are feeling down at the moment. What you going through is perfectly normal - even though its tough- you need to go through these bumps in the road to heal. There is a long road ahead of you, and each trigger you face, the less it affects you, and the better you are to takle it next time it turns up. Like you - me and my xAP "share" a motorway to get to work - even though I have changed jobs. I still catch myself scanning for his car, its bloody annoying, but as each day passes, I forget a little more - some days I don't even think about it. Things will get better, take your time, don't rush it, don't be hard on yourself, and congratulate yourself - 7 weeks is AWESOME :-) love WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 8:03am

Thank you WGO Smile I am trying to focus on the positive, but there are moments that are still very very hard.  Like you said though, hopefully over time it will fade, and I know that eventually, things will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 11:41am
First I must congratulate you on 7 weeks no contact...that is huge! I will also echo what others have said...that it will get better soon and what you are feeling is normal and part of the process of recovering. Having the "I wonder what he is ___________" . thoughts, sighting his vehicle and any other 'trigger' you may have or 'think' of; is difficult to navigate in the early stages of NC. This is where YOU have the control to self-master and re-frame your thinking. Replacing each and every 'trigger' and thought of xap with self-talk which may include phrases such as: "IT DOES NOT MATTER" "HE DOES NOT MATTER". will help you to regain control of your emotions and feelings and further your progression to the reality of the true nature of what the affair actually was. I hope you are feeling better. ((((hugs))))) progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 12:24pm

Hi Progression - yes I am feeling better today!  It's almost lunchtime here and I havent been obsessively thinking about xAP all day like I was yesterday.  Nor do I feel as miserable in general. It is a better day, a lot of them have been lately, but still just some really bad ones.

Like you suggested...saying to myself that "he does not matter, what he's thinking of does not matter" is actually something I have been trying today.  So far, it's helping!

Thanks for the congratulations and the reassurance that this is just part of the process and it will get better...it really does help to hear others say this!