really really sad... need help
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| Sat, 03-26-2005 - 3:53am |
Hey,
well, i've been browsing here for a couple of weeks now using you guys for inspiration and strength whilst my own world slowly collapses!!
i don't know if it makes me feel better or bitter that so many people are going through this in the same way, for the the same reason with the same outcome...
My MM and i came to a very civilised and mature and grown up decision exactly one week ago (and co-incidentally one week prior to our 1 year anivesary) to end this. He is moving into a big new house with his family and has decided to leave me behind with his old house and his old life!
I had no option but to do the decent thing!
Now although i know the principle of NC, I am counting the days til i can text and not be seen as desperate or needy. I don't know what to say. i just need to hear from him.
and to hear from you NOT TO DO IT!
i know it is right to move on, we now live in different cities so won't have visual contact, but how can i get my heart to understand what my head is telling it?
sorry for this ramble on first meetings, but think this is eating me a bit more than i realise!!
thanks for listening
No Angel

My situation is similiar to yours xmm started nc couldn't handle the guilt and although I knew it was best for both of us I struggled. That was 6 weeks ago. I saw him 4 times in the last 4 days and everytime he says nice things and tries to make it easier on me but it just hurts. Why put yourself through that? It took me a long time to accept this situation for what it really is. The bond you thought was so strong does not exist. It is an illusion. That strong bond was created because you both have unmet needs. He is now meeting his needs some other way. Even when you are together and you both feel that bond again it just hurts because you know that it can not be.
He is not your friend. He can not help you through this. All you will get from seeing, talking, emailing him is more wasted time and more hurt feelings. It doesn't matter what you guys say or how much you care. He is with his family, not you. Your life is of no importance to him. You need to make his of no importance to you. Wish him well in your heart and then figure out what you wish for yourself and work on that. Everytime you think of him, think of what you want instead. Everytime you give in it is like itching a sore, the urge is so strong and it feels so good while you are scratching it but then it bleeds again and takes that much longer to heal.
So even though he was supportive, said all the things I thought I needed to hear. We talked, we hugged. The reality is that he is not in my life and I am not in his. My evergy belongs with my family. My real relationship is with my H. I need to fix that. I cried all the way homea gain yesterday when I had been moving along with my life. For me it was a breakthrough though I had moved away but still felt so connected to my old area. I know now that this is where I belong.
I wish you luck
Tiny xx
NA
DON'T DO IT, NO CONTACT and TIME are the only thing that is proven to get you out of this emotional MUCK.
There is no good time to text him unless you want to look either pathetic or like a crazy XOW STALKER, so don't do it hang on to what dignity and self-respect you have left and start to cultivate a new crop of both.
Remember one thing "WHAT HE WILL DO TO HIS WIFE HE WILL DO TO YOU", he married her and made a family but that did not stop him.
Free
Thanks everyone
Tiny x
NO Angel,
u are addicted to thqt feeling, u have to let go, I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS to LET GO, i am trying to LET GO also
yes its hard but in the end u have to be practical, do u want to be miserable all your life?, u come home and sit and wait and wish, we fall down but we haver to stand up
u have to do what u need to do, cry if u must , its like someone died, bury him and move on
u can do this, all of the people in this board are able to do this in one way , we are all trying to move on and let go , different stages but we all have the same goal, get out of the AFFAIR, iTS full OF LIES
feel angry, bitter, remorse or whatever u want to feel, it is part of healing, if u are married, try to save it if that is what u want, focus on your kids if u have any, i wish i have kids so i can focus on them
ask yourself what will u get from calling him, sending text, u will just second guess yourself again, be in pain, think of him like crazy and be non-productive, it destructive, trust me, for about 6 weeks i cant eat, sleep well, can do work, nothing, i feel like i just want to die, but is that what i want, NO , we all want to be happy so go and find happiness, try to find yourself
cry if u must, after crying eat some ice cream, it feels good !!! , go shopping !!! do whatever necessary for u to move on
IF HE WANTS TO BE WITH U, HE WOULD HAVE DIVORCE HIS WIFE AND U WILL NOT BE IN THIS BOARD AT ALL, THAT IS THE TRUTH OF IT, I KNOW U KNOW IT BUT U JUST DONT ACCEPT IT NOW
take care,
max
Thanks guys for all your replies.
I think I needed to hear it from someone else - you can only play the record for yourself so many times!
he was my boss, and so from necessity i couldn't tell anyone, so having all your support has helped.
it is a difficult time, and i checked my phone i don't know how many times today - and was good and didn't use it myself!
i think you are right too. he was fulfilling a part of me in an abstract way - it was him who said that if he was free i wouldn't want him any more, and that i needed to take off my rose coloured glasses - how can he be such a rat and so wise too!!
but he can't take all the blame... i was as willing as him and it takes two to tango - so they say!
anyway. held up today, so thanks for all your support! i think i'll be a regular visitor here until i can straighten things up in my head, so i'll catch you all next time...
big hugs
No Angel
<<<>>
Good for you, Tiny. It's a huge start! Next time he shows up, don't even answer the door ;) I happy to hear that you are paying attention to what is being shared on this board. There is terrific advice offered here, even through the tears. It is a difficult process for everyone and for those of us who have crawled out of darkness, we wish you strength and peace in your journey to break free of him.
Keep posting,
Id
<<>>
Understanding the part that we are just as much to blame shows great insight on your part. That is one of the first realizations necessary for healing. I also work with my boss, and I have been affair free now for 10 months.
If you need a shoulder to lean on, I have an extra one available. You can email me at Id_Diosyncrity@Yahoo.com anytime.
Take care of yourself,
Id
Dear id,
thanks for your shoulder and your words - they'll be used in plenty in the near future i feel!
things slowly getting better - only cried about 3 times today and managed not to call as i had wanted to do.
still think about the good times, i think they will help me keep some self respect. if i hate him, i'll end up hating myself for having been with him, and i at least need myself right now - even if i'm not very good company most of the time!
thanks again,
here's to friends who understand
NA