This really sucks!!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
This really sucks!!
19
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:13pm
I am in the worst mood tonight. I miss OM so much. His wife is out of town with the kids and he's ofcourse taking full advantage of it. My husband is acting like a moron. I'm telling you if this man talks its like a grunt and he walks around like he's 70 - its driving me crazy! I think I'm closer than I've been in a long while to emailing OM tonight. I so want the fun, romantic conversations again. I keep thinking - why am I giving up the sparkle in my life?

For gods sake - how am I going to turn this around. I know, I sound like a basket case. I seem like I'm doing well and then for a while every day or two - wham - I'm a tiger in a cage. Right now I could honestly cry I'm so unhappy to be here tonight with H. I just can't even begin to work on anything with OM on my mind 24/7. I just don't have it in me to do it all...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 9:22pm
Don't do it Crystal! Please don't e-mail him! You know you'll be kicking yourself later for doing it. You've been doing so well. Don't backtrack now. If you e-mail him its going to send him the message that you didn't mean anything you said about wanting him to stay away from you and avoid you. And he's never going to stay away if he knows you don't mean it. Show him you mean it! You can do it!
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:26pm
Thanks!

Unfortunately, I don't really mean it tonight, I'd love to hear from him. But I know I'm not looking at the big picture. I know I'm missing all the reasons for not doing it, so even though I want to, I'm not going to do it. I can't believe how hard this is, and I just wish I could know I'm getting somewhere. I assume this is going to one day ease up - you know? Is this how you get over these guys, or am I missing some crutial step?

PS Thanks for responding - I needed a friend tonight really bad and your post helped so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 10:50pm
You're very welcome. I know temptation can be a bitch... and I can't imagine having the guy live across the street (if my memory is working tonight I think yours does live across the street right?). I know it must make it that much harder. Keep strong. Just try to think about how you'd feel afterwards if you did make contact and try to imagine the regret you'd have (and I know you will have regret if you do e-mail him). That's what I do when I stare at the phone wanting to call. It helps. Feel the aftermath before you do it. If that makes sense.

Have a great night Crystal. I'm turning in. And I better not find out in the morning that you did something not-too-bright. ;) I have faith in ya.
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 11:00pm
Nah, I won't. For one thing, I absolutely couldn't face GT if I did it!!! But seriously, I'm starting to realize I need to fight these little urges to win the big battle. Its tough though.

Off to watch Americal Idol!!

Goodnight!

PS Yes, he does live across the street and it is very hard. I'm going away in two weeks on a trip though and that will probably help a lot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 7:25am
Oh no, wish I had seen your last post before I went to bed. I would've warned you that they all sang lovey-dovey sentimental songs on American Idol last night. LOL. That Carmen girl better get the boot this week!

Anyway, just checking to make sure you didn't do anything you'd regret... you didn't... did you???

NotTooBright

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 7:40am
Oh Crystal, I'm so sorry I didn't see this post last night, but I had already logged off for the night when you posted...

I hope you got through the night without contacting him... I DO know how hard it is. I have had totally weak moments and I don't know how we get through them - we just do... One thing that kept me going at times was that I had ended and re-started with XMM a few times and when I finally meant it FOR GOOD, I had to admit that if I went back to him again, he would NEVER give up. He would continue to always torture and pursue me because he would know I really truly did not mean it when I said no - that if he just tried a little harder, I would come back. Sometimes that helped me in staying away - just knowing that it would never be over with him if I didn't stand firm this time.

You asked "why am I giving up the sparkle in my life"? I have so many thoughts on this because I can relate to that question and have asked it myself... I guess that I am slowly coming to the conclusion (and I'm not all the way there yet) that the sparkle is really inside of us. I think eventually I will get to that point... the XMM are NOT the sparkle - they are just a way we expressed what was inside of us.

On the other hand, it also seems unfair that we have to give up a lot of what we had with them if we don't think we can ever get it with our H's - the passion, excitement, feeling of being ALIVE... I keep wondering if those things are possible to sustain in any long-term relationship. Is passion only at the beginning and never possible to keep for years and years through kids and paying bills and just plain familiarity that comes over time? Bottom line though, is you are right - you can't possibly start to try to improve your marriage with XMM on your mind 24/7.

You are doing well, we all have bad days (I had a bad week last week)... and I know that in the long run you WILL get through this. Maybe you'll discover there is more to your H than you realized or gave him credit for - he could be acting like this because he senses that you have checked-out emotionally???? Work on getting rid of XMM in your mind... then you will be able to more fairly decide about your marriage and your H...

Hugs and keep posting - it took a lot to post instead of just emailing XMM, didn't it? You are STRONG.

If you ever want to talk more, please feel free to email me - just click on my profile to send it...

Glinda

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:06am
You're funny!!

No, I did what I said and went and watched the show. I love Simon - he's so terrible. Kind of reminds me of my XOM. Seriously.

Anyway...I'm back in no contact land today. Feeling good.

Thanks!!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:25am
Thanks Glinda-

No, I didn't contact him. Honestly it would take a lot for me to actually contact him at this point. Even though I want to at times. I'd feel like what I'd just been going through was for nothing and this is way too difficult to do that. I need to make it through this to see what life is like once he's not in my life. I just have this feeling that if I put in the effort I will see the payoff. Kind of like quitting smoking. I remember it was so hard. I was one of those people that loved smoking, even though you know its bad...(This is a lot like OM actually) Anyway, it was so hard to quit for me, I definitely didn't want to, and I had to dig really deep to stick to it. Now ofcourse its been 10 years or so and its been years and years since I've even wanted one in the least. I guess the key was I had finally found a reason to quit that outweighed my pleasure. I'm now in the same boat with OM, although I need to firm up that reason in my mind - perhaps write it out somewhere, so its always there for me when I feel weak. I know one of the reasons is that my health started to suffer greatly at the end of the affair. Now I'm feeling really good - what a difference. I'm working out, taking care of myself, sleeping so much better. At the end of the relationship with OM I started taking sleeping pills as I would get so worked up over things with him. We were used to emailing several times a day, but if he was mad at me he would just stop for days with no indication of when he's forgive me. I just hated that. I'd be checking my email every five minutes for days. Obsessively. It was horrible. I have to remind myself of all those things don't I?

As for my husband, I think I'm really doing a weird mental thing with him right now. Clearly I'm going through a lot with the end of my affair. It did come down to me realizing that I couldn't just leave at this point for OM - other factors too as I've said before, but OM was ready to leave his wife and wanted me to leave too and I couldn't quite do it - especially with the way he'd act towards me at times. Anyway I'm wondering if I'm being hard on H because I'm subconsciously blaming him for my pain right now. Is that possible. You know 'If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be hurting like this?' I know thats totally not fair, but I can't help but feel if thats whats happening in the back of my mind. I'm not sure how I turn that around. My H is a nice guy, but I'm going through a lot right now and I just need to work some of the thoughts around OM out.

Anyway, thanks for listening and for the offer to email you. I will. I always appreciate your posts so much. You're a fabulous writer and have wonderful inshight.

Hope you have a good day!

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:26am
Hi Crystal,

I'm so sorry you had a bad night. I hope everything seems better today!! Please hang in there you have come so far!! I know how you feel though!! Sometimes I look at my husband and can't help compare him to the life I would have with OM. But we are entitled to our bad days!!

Keep your chin up girl!!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 10:13am
Crystal~ It is a good thing I read your post and all of the responses BEFORE I responded. I was about ready to blow a gasket! You know, let out all sorts of hot air?! LOL. But you made it through. And if you can get through one bad night, you can get through as many as are necessary. Way to go!

Here's some tips for you. One thing I have noticed about you is your attitude. Now please hear me out as I know we all go through our hormones etc, me being absolutely no exception. But when the days come when you feel your discontent at home, you have got to learn to check your attitude. You can do this with positive affirmations which are nothing more than a handful of sentences you have somewhere that you read when you begin to doubt yourself. Start with how good a person you are, list some great characteristics about yourself. Then list the ways in which you have felt better since ending the contact, just like you did in one of the responses here. Last but certainly not least, list the things you are greatful for by being married to your DH, regardless of what he did.

You see, when it comes to an A relationship, what seems to be an all fulfilling relationship that brings us so much pleasure ends up being the one thing that drains all that is good from us! You know...the MM did that to me. Until I put my foot down. He would email me telling me something oh so sad that he was going through and I finally told him that his ploy for sympathy wasn't going to fly with me anymore, that I wasn't going to listen to him complain about something he had no intention of changing. I made a huge turn around in my own situation when I got strong with him rather than giving my strength to him.

As for your DH's personality being quiet, I had the same exact problem with my first husband. He was so introverted that when attending a wedding reception, he would rather sit at the table alone and consume a pitcher of beer than socialize with our friends. Your DH needs to get into some couples counseling with you so you can really talk about these things with a disinterested third party to see both sides. It is manageable if you can both find a place of self discovery and work towards uniting again. But he has to be willing. You should not have to feel so trapped in a house with a H who will not give more to see that you too are happy and content. And it does take work!

Honey, I am glad you were concerned about how I would respond to your post because you know I tell it like I see it. And I cannot stand to sit and watch you keep repeating a cycle that is so bad for you. You are a sweet and very caring lady who is also extremely intelligent. Don't you let anyone and I MEAN ANYONE make you feel less than you are. Stay away from that man!

Love to you.

GT

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