Really torn up

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Really torn up
8
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 2:09pm
I stumbled accross this board about a month ago when I was trying to find answers to my situation. I have been in an A for 2-1/2 years and the worst thing about it I work with him. His father is my boss and I work for a small company that is all family. I have been here for 15 years and love my job, and don't want to leave. We are both married and have children that are young. I have had problems with my marriage as well as he, but I know he never has never had any intention of leaving, because although he has money his W's family is very prominent and she is the main bread winner. I left my husband in October, but now he is back and we are in MC. During that time we had the best time together and everything was good, but I decided for the sake of my children I would return to my M because I knew he would never leave. H and I are doing good now and he is really trying harder. I have not had physical contact except for a kiss since then, but I can't talk to
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 2:26pm

Gal_mu,


First I would like to welcome you to the board. If you found us a month ago then you should be familiar with the lingo as well as the threads in the Healing Library. Have you been reading them? ;-)


<<but I can't talk to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 3:11pm

Ap knows I am back with my H. I was in a very abusive relationship with H and he knows all the pain it caused me, he was not only my Ap at the time, but also my Best friend. He works in the same office day in and out, and I dont even know how to begin LC with him. Since my husband has come home during christmas and we started MC I have distance my self to where even he notices. He is mad because he says I don't open up and talk about my issues at home anymore and that I have cut him off. Ap has always supported me in my decisons with H and told me if nothing else he would rather have me in his life as a friend then nothing at all. I just feel so torn because I really am trying with H, but I feel like I have this thorn in my side that I can't get over. Ap calls every morning to see how night went, at lunch if I dont eat with him and on my way home every day for the past two years, and I sit with him all day. How do I end it without sacrficing my job. What if he gets angry and tries to fire me. I need this job.


Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:36pm

Hi Gal,


I am more concerned about you stating that you went back to a M where your spouse was abusive. Did H go to IC and did he shown changes over enough time before you got back together with him?


Here is a link to another board here at Ivillage: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting


It is for recognizing domestic violence. I encourage you to read the board.


I’m all for ending As and rebuilding Ms as I have ended my A and rebuilt my M. However, the only reason I would encourage a woman to attempt to rebuild an M with a man who has abusive tendencies is if he has gone to IC and they can see over a long period of time that they have changed. If your H has not done separate work outside the M with a T then a more pressing issue is not your A or losing your job. It is your safety and well being.


Big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:53pm
Yes he has started IC, and MC as well. The Domestic Viloence has only been going on for a few years. Mainly happened when he was drunk and I pushed his buttons. Sometimes I blame myself because I knew I was not happy and would initiate the fussing. I think my AP plays a big role in my relationship with H because my M would not have been so bad if I would have given it my all instead of giving me to another man. I feel very guilty about that and really want to give my M a second chance, but I can't completley unless it is over with AP. I know all of this, it is just really hard for me to have NC much less LC. There never was a D-Day by the way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:38pm
There is NEVER an excuse for a man to use physical violence against a women--not matter how many buttons she pushes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:45pm

Hi Gal,


<only been going on for a few years. Mainly happened when he was drunk and I pushed his buttons. Sometimes I blame myself because I knew I was not happy and would initiate the fussing.>>


I worry about this response. One that you say it has only been going on for a few years…IMHO that is a few years too many. Also the fact that you are blaming yourself for his bad behavior says a lot. It is a common for sufferers of DV to feel this way. It is a thought process that often leads to co-dependency.


Has your H gone to AA and stopped drinking? Are you in IC?


I know you came to the board about ending your A and about how to do LC. However, there are some things in your posts that are difficult to ignore and raise some red flags.


Iddy the CL works with her boss and ended her A.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 7:57pm

True, I can give Gal some pointers in having to still work with

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 11:38pm

I might be alone here, but DV is where I draw the line. It's a deal breaker for me as I grew up in a home like that. The moment a man put his hands on me I would be out that door (yes, I have had stuff thrown at me and left the next day).


I hope you don't have children living with you. I also hope that your H can get some help for his drinking and anger. God forbid he finds out about your A - you might end up messed up in more that one way. More important at the moment you need to get support for DV... then work on ending the A.