Really Trying Not to be Angry W/Myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Really Trying Not to be Angry W/Myself
5
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:31pm
Hello All,

I have been trying to help others on this board as best as I can, trying to be strong and put together and take care of myself!!! I feel like a fraud and a failure and I am trying NOT to beat myself about this AND I'm ashamed and embarassed!!

I caved in and emailed MM back AND tried to call!! He wasn't home but he will see my name on his caller ID, so I wrote ANOTHER email telling him some lame excuse that it was a mistake BUT offered for him to call me back if he wants.

I don't know what possessed me to do this. I've been doing so good and feeling really strong. I hate when I'm weak!!! The thing that gets me is that there was NO real reason to do what I did. I'm not depressed or there wasn't an incident to cause this, so I can't explain or understand why. I need to take Motrin, I gave myself a real bad headache!!

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:15pm
Oh boy, Midnightblue! Try not to be so darned hard on yourself!!!! I think we've all BTDT. I can't tell you for the life of me what possessed me to text OMM on Saturday morning and ask if he was alright. It was like an irresistable impulse or something. It's like a disconnect from all reason and reality. Something comes over you and you can't stop yourself. UGH!

I hate to liken this situation to my battle with drugs and alcohol, but all those in recovery are aware that relapses most often happen without any thought whatsoever. They aren't premeditated, they're usually thoughtless. We have a saying that it in the jungle it aint the lions and tigers that will take you out, its the gnats and mosquitoes. Same applies to staying away from these darned OMMs!!! During the difficult times when we're really tuned it we stay close to this board and are very conscious of our desire to reach out to them. Then, out of the blue, comes this irresistable urge to contact them and KABANG! We've got the phone in our hot little hands before we know what hits us. We dial the number automatically and the next thing we know, we've got a connection with them.

Don't beat yourself up, honey. Just resolve to do better next time. Like we say in recovery, we're just one bad decision away from our next !

Love and hugs to you! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:24pm
Don't beat yourself up. Things are much easier said than done. Many times I gave advise wanting so desperately to follow what I said and didn't. It was so much easier to be strong when I was telling someone else what to do. I look back to last fall and I was soooooo pathetic. Everyone says NC, NC, NC. I had to take tiny baby steps myself to achieve the level of NC that works for me. XMM and I are neighbors and we work together, so complete NC is out of the question. I decided to take some time off of work to clear my head. It didn't help that I have to drive by his house constantly, but I'm ok with it now. He doesn't acknowledge me if he's outside and that is ok, too (although, I had a bad day last week and it really ticked me off when he ignored me.) I just say NC is best to myself as I drive by.

Now I am staying true to myself and I feel like that is what is important.

Hang in there, it will all be OK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:47pm
Hi Again,

I feel like I'm losing it, but at the same time, and don't ask me why, I am finding this whole situation funny. It could be my nerves, or something. What I failed to realize is this, and I'm going to have to give a brief background.

My MM's W is the most controlling, manipulative B@#CH and he is afraid of her to some extent, meaning he will do what ever it takes NOT to have any confrontation and do whatever it cost (including $) to keep the peace. 2 very good examples of this is: 1) He is paying off 3 personal loans he took out to buy her jewelry. A diamond ring that in the end she said was too big so it sits in the drawer collecting dust and 2 past, present and future pieces. The reason for 2 is that she didn't like the first one after all. The next example is her and her friend were going to NYC for a what he calls a "Day O'Fun". He had such a fight with her on the phone ( we worked together) that in order to make the piece, her Day O'Fun consisted of giving her $950.00 for the day. I know NYC is expensive because I'm orginally from there, BUT I have survived and had a blast with $150.00 and my friend(s).

I know this sounds awfully petty but trust me when I say that he "Yes Dear's" her death, it really is nauseating. Anyway, on top of this they live with the W's mother who owns the house that they pay the mortgage for, BUT he is not allowed to have friends over and when she gets home from work he is to be off the phone and is not allowed to watch television in the living room, AND he has been given a list of chores to do that better be done by the time everyone gets home (he is self-employed, working at home).

I'm sorry for the long post but here is my fear. I made that phone call at 2:25pm in the hopes of either hearing from him OR him emailing me that he got my name from the caller ID. He always erases my name so no one sees that we spoke. It is now 3:48, and I know his mother-in-law is home by now. His W knows about us but has chosen to stay ignorant. Her words to him were "As long as I don't see anything, do what you want." They are supposed to go a vacation in a couple of weeks as well.

His mother-in-law is going to see that I called and I have no idea what will happen after that. So, I am on pins and needles waiting to see if something happens in his household. He is going to band rehearsal tonight so I don't know if he ever saw that I called to erase my name.

Thank All For Listening to MY Psychosis....

MidnightBlue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:51pm
I entertain myself sometimes, too, with my own psychosis. No real thoughts on your post, just had to respond that I could identify. Everything looks different after a few hours have passed, huh... Love, Mo

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:39pm
Midnight

You should not feel ashamed, you give a lot of support here. I have had a really hard time with the ending my A. I came to this board and found so much comfort in your words. I to called XMM's cell just to hear his voice. God knows why! I am finding it so very difficult to not be part of his day. My A was long term and I miss him terribly and hurt so bad. I read all the advice her and can relate to all the emotions posted here. This board is truly a blessing for me.......where else can you find so many amazing women who share their pain to support others. Thank you all, it has helped me so much.

Lexy

P.S. I am trying so hard not to obsess over him tonight!