Reasons for getting trapped in an A-hole

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Reasons for getting trapped in an A-hole
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 8:29pm what are everyone's thoughts on why A's even happen?  What is so attractive about the A-hole?  Is it boredom in M?  In RL?  Is it caused by needs not being met on a regular basis?  A void in one's own RL that desperately needs to be filled?  (falling into an A-hole is an ironic way to fill one - think about that)  Why is it so addictive?  Attractive at first, addictive at best, a trap to be certain...

So, I was doing some reading (not in the HL, but I really should get my rear-end down there soon and read some more), and found this article on the web.  Here is the link:

This couple came up with around 300 reasons why affairs happen and how to prevent them.  It is an excellent article.  Should have posted it over in the bad.  Maybe I will get it over there, too. 

I encourage you all to read and post your thoughts here.  Maybe we can come up with some more reasons and some solutions as well.  :smileyhappy:  I will do some more seeking to see if I can find an article coming from a single person's perspective...this one deals with married couples. 

Hearts <3 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 9:36pm
xAP and I were friends for a long.time before the A. We were in the same business and so we 'got' each other on that front in.a way that our spouses.could not. Later when.we had our respective children, we both ended up being the more involved.parent in.our marriages and so we clicked on.that level.too.
I think though my voids are less about my marriage. My H is a great guy but not good at expressing.affection or approval and xAP *is* great at that.
BUT, I think it has more my childhood. Never feeling.loved or good enough to be loved. My mom is (untreated) mentally ill and not.capable of such things.
Quite.frankly, I think I was terrified.of losing my long time friend if I "rejected" him.

Of.course, once.the.A.started, I quickly became addicted to feeling valued and.cherished and wanted. Somehow in a busy 2 income household.with 3 kids, letting.your partner know.they are.all those things falls by the wayside sometimes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 9:39pm
My xAP was a very unexpected target for me. Walked into his office as a patient one day, saw bright shining light around him - "love at first sight." It became an obsession, a project to 'get' the ungettable. It was very addicting and validating when I 'got him.'

I liked this article a lot! Refreshing to read about As from a different perspective like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2012
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 10:54pm
For me I met XAP just as I was seperating from my H and my Mom was terminally
Tall and Handsome and took me in his arms, he became the security blanket but it was always a short term fix

I will always be left to wonder if he preyed on the carcass of the dying marriage
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 7:17am

Personally I am still trying to unravel the big complex mess in my unconscious that led me to the Ahole!  Thankfully with T. But so far I think what happened was that I was at a very disrupted time in my life, XAP was familiar to me, a safe (ha!) place in a storm I was weathering, he seemed as needy of love and affection as me, we seemed like a perfect match and fell right down the A hole clinging on to eachother and whipping the whole thing into a love that knows no bounds type of fantasy - the whole package, we were looking for somewhere to live, obsessed with eachother equally it seemed, intense to a ridiculous degree until (sound of record scratching and music stops!) his W found out and then I never saw him again! Wow licking my wounds still even after a long time, in effect its only been 1 month NC due to so much e-fishing going on and that's why even though I have been here for months, I feel like I am only just out! True NC only just started and true explorations as to why I fell in the A hole only just discovering. Please take the advice BLOCK and WALK! You simply cannot go half hearted on the healing process its a lingering agony.

Coco x x 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 7:18am

ps my two on line saviours, EAS and Baggage Reclaim