Part of ending an A is not about “what” we are thinking but more importantly “why” we are thinking it.
I encourage asking yourself these questions.
Why is it important to you that her R fails?
If it fails and she moves on to a new R and then another and another, will you spend the rest of your life hoping each one fails?
Do you have obsessive thoughts in other areas of your life?
What do you avoid focusing on in your RL by focusing on xAP’s R instead of your own?
Is it really xAP moving on that you are having a problem with or is it really bringing up old feelings from the past and another R that you are wishing to restore? Sometimes we try to use situations in the present to resolve problems from our past. Unfortunately it does not work.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Your post made me really think a lot about my A and the past two years, especially those words.
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While I was in my A, I thought my xMM's life was where I wanted to be. I wanted to know what he was doing all the time, and wanted to be a part of it in the worst way and when I wasn't sharing in his life, I was angry. I was angry at my life, my H, my kids, my friends, I was blaming everyone for my unhappiness except for myself. Well, perhaps I was blaming myself, but I was doing nothing about it.
Now, that I'm out of the A and NC is in place, I don't have that burning desire to be a part of xMM's life and really don't care what he is doing, whom he is doing what with because it doesn't matter anymore. I have my OWN RL and need to be a part of it for me and my family.
I know why I was escaping my RL, know why I got involved in the A in the first place, but don't have a clue what to do about it. Okay, strike that, I know what I need to do, just not sure how to go about it and when I do, I'm terrified I'll make the wrong choice. So, for the past couple of years have been in major limbo land...and boom, opportunity presented itself with an A, and that took up the time I should have been focusing on my problem and family.
Now, I have no choice but to confront my demons. If I make the wrong decision, I hope I can 'right' it or modify it make it better, but to not make a decision at all is what is draining the life out of me.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I am trying to live more in the present and definitely don't want to be stuck in the past (meaning A fantasy land). I can't plan too much of the future right now, since I'm still working on the day to day.
Yes, it will be hard work ahead and I'm hoping it will be worth it! Change is scary!
I am sure you are not the first AP to feel that way. In my case, my exAP was married and I didn't care what he did after NC was started. Not helpful to me in moving on to worry what he was up to. I would be safe in saying if things don't work out, she will find a single man to go on with. I think she realized the A was going nowhere and did not want to be beat her head against a brick wall anymore. I really hope you can move forward with your marriage.
Part of ending an A is not about “what” we are thinking but more importantly “why” we are thinking it.
I encourage asking yourself these questions.
Why is it important to you that her R fails?
If it fails and she moves on to a new R and then another and another, will you spend the rest of your life hoping each one fails?
Do you have obsessive thoughts in other areas of your life?
What do you avoid focusing on in your RL by focusing on xAP’s R instead of your own?
Is it really xAP moving on that you are having a problem with or is it really bringing up old feelings from the past and another R that you are wishing to restore? Sometimes we try to use situations in the present to resolve problems from our past. Unfortunately it does not work.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
E1,
Your post made me really think a lot about my A and the past two years, especially those words.
<>
While I was in my A, I thought my xMM's life was where I wanted to be. I wanted to know what he was doing all the time, and wanted to be a part of it in the worst way and when I wasn't sharing in his life, I was angry. I was angry at my life, my H, my kids, my friends, I was blaming everyone for my unhappiness except for myself. Well, perhaps I was blaming myself, but I was doing nothing about it.
Now, that I'm out of the A and NC is in place, I don't have that burning desire to be a part of xMM's life and really don't care what he is doing, whom he is doing what with because it doesn't matter anymore. I have my OWN RL and need to be a part of it for me and my family.
I know why I was escaping my RL, know why I got involved in the A in the first place, but don't have a clue what to do about it. Okay, strike that, I know what I need to do, just not sure how to go about it and when I do, I'm terrified I'll make the wrong choice. So, for the past couple of years have been in major limbo land...and boom, opportunity presented itself with an A, and that took up the time I should have been focusing on my problem and family.
Now, I have no choice but to confront my demons. If I make the wrong decision, I hope I can 'right' it or modify it make it better, but to not make a decision at all is what is draining the life out of me.
MovingON
Hi MO,
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It is very interesting that you bring up the word “limbo.”
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thanks E1,
I am trying to live more in the present and definitely don't want to be stuck in the past (meaning A fantasy land). I can't plan too much of the future right now, since I'm still working on the day to day.
Yes, it will be hard work ahead and I'm hoping it will be worth it! Change is scary!
THANKS,
MO
MovingON
Edited 7/19/2010 1:32 pm ET by lstwk2002