Rebuilding and having troubles

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
Rebuilding and having troubles
8
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 11:50am

Well, I've been doing the NC thing for awhile now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 12:50pm
Hi Lost. I'm not sure I'm at the place you are hoping to be, but I'd like to share what I've learned. Part of feeling sexually alive with XAP is, no doubt, the fact that it is prohibited. Of course you want more, more, more when you can't or shouldn't have it (that same current fueling your desire is no doubt fueling his too). That's why all of us who have had A have had "the best sex of our lives." I do think there are some lucky couples out there that have stability, love, years of history, and AMAZING SEX, but I don't know any personally. All my dear friends and family have to work at it, go through lots of bouts of "this is boring," etc. In my experience, sex with XAP was fuelled by so much desire, and I had been missing that desire so much, but the truth is, the actual mechanics of it are far better with my H. I actually faked lots of O with XAP, which is so ridiculous now that I look back at it. I also loved my XAP and if I let my heart go there, still would. And it's hard. And sometimes I think, how can I go the rest of my life without that desire? I honestly don't think I'll ever have that same desire with H. But at the end of the day, this is a choice we make. Do you want a life full of desire but no stability? Or do you want what you have with your husband? I DO think sex is incredibly important - maybe not to all people but to me at least it is - and I don't think a marriage can work if you feel "dead" sexually. But I don't think it's that you are lacking some magic chemistry. I think it's perhaps (I'm guessing here)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 1:18pm

Lost:

Since my xAP left the company I work at 1 month ago I found my desire went to zero. My body said - if I can't have AP then forget it - and now that the A is over I have just got to realize that I need to adjust my expectations.

I look at it this way: A-sex was a couture gown designed just for my body - incredibly form fitting, vibrant, and I glowed in it. Marriage sex is like a favorite sweater I pull out when the weather gets cold - soft to the touch and warm. I can't wear that couture gown day in- day out - it would fall apart or start to rub the wrong way. The favorite sweater will always wrap my body up and make me feel safe and secure.

Maybe some long-timers can tell us if the libido does bounce back eventually . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 2:41pm

gal, that was a great post. You have described a lot of what I went through and a lot of what I'm still dealing with post affair sex.


One of my excuses to myself for having the affair, was I deserved it. I deserved to have desire, lust and love in my life. I honestly thought I had never felt it like I did with xAP. I craved that "in love" feeling and wanted to give love to someone. I felt I had a lot of love to offer. Bull :-) !!


That burning, raw desire for sex fades after a long marriage. But it's not all about the sex. There is so much more to consider and gal, you said it all very well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
Fri, 09-25-2009 - 6:18pm

Thank you all for the replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Sat, 09-26-2009 - 12:25am

Hey LaG,


My two cents on the issue may not be worth much..i've been married only a short time but i have been with my H for over 8 years. In the beginning i felt very sexually attracted to him, especially so when there was drama and uncertainty in our relationship. But now that we're married, i don't feel that same way. So i see a correlation between drama and

Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sat, 09-26-2009 - 9:42am

Good point, sunshine. lost, she is right

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
Sat, 09-26-2009 - 10:11am

LG -


Gal said :

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2009
Sat, 09-26-2009 - 1:32pm

There has been good advice given here.