Recongizing Patterns

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Recongizing Patterns
7
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 8:37pm

Hi Everyone-


Things have be going OK ...I mean in the sense of my M. Progress thought was being made but the last few days Ive found myself day dreaming about my future and Im not sure if my H fits in that day dream. Before I know Im thinking about another man, then yep right back to thinking/wanting XP.


So is this just all fantasy that we all tend to do from time to time? and is it OK to fantasize about XP? or is that just the start of the pattern?


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 9:07pm

Hi dm,


Losts of good thought provoking posts today (no pun intended)!


I think thoughts are just that...thoughts. As long as you recognize that it is nothing more than a fantasy and as long as you do not act on those thoughts or allow yourself to dwell or obsess over them, then IMHO they are just a thought.


Also as long as you do not allow those thoughts to interfere with any of your feelings towards your H or allow them to keep you from other things you should be focusing on during the day then I believe it is ok.


Much love,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.





Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 9:57am

I think its very easy to let thoughts wonder....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 10:24am
Hi Debra,
I am no expert but I can tell you it is definitely a pattern. I have been daydreaming about guys since high school and learned in counseling (at least for me) IT IS AN ESCAPE FROM REALITY. I have been married a long time, love my husband but every few years get the "feeling" of restlessness. I try to avoid it and stick with the daydreaming but it doesn't always happen. I can go so far as obsess about the person. I'm not sure why this is and have not delved deeper to find out. Most of the time I am happy in my M except sexually. I tend to be one to go out of my way to take care of everyone and think maybe this has something to do with it. I find myself drained and decide to take care of ME but in the wrong way. The affair makes me feel like I am the only one and it is all about ME. In other words, not taking care of anyone else's needs but my own.
It is probably different for everyone but I bet in one way or another we are all escaping. Why do you feel you do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 2:40pm

Hi Debbra,

If you're not sure about the future of your marriage I think it's normal to want to try on different 'scenarios' of the future in your mind, and your xAP probably represents one of the alternative scenarios (meaning, being in a future relationship with another man, not necessarily xAP).

Recognize it for what it is, as long as you don't act upon it. Try to visualize yourself 'cutting the cord' with xAP. That should help diminish the fantasies of him.

In reality leaving your H for another man is not the best way to start a new life, as you know. Good luck in your reflections, sweetie.

hugs,

trixie xo



"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.”
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 7:14pm
debbra, I have found if I let myself, I could easily get back into the rut (and pattern) of day dreaming and obsessing over xAP. But I made the decision after I ended the affair, that it truly was my family and marriage that I intended to focus on. I did obsess over him in the early months after ending. I hated it, but I had so much pent up anger at him (and myself) that I wallowed in the whole mess. I definitely knew better, but I couldn't stop myself. Time and EAS really got me through it. I think if I let the daydreaming/obsessing get the best of me, it's possible I would have contacted him because I would have conjured up so many questions in my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2009
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 9:01pm

Samantha,

I'm a lot like you. Totally boy crazy at a young age. I also don't much sex in my M. So yes, I enjoy the fantasy of life in another world. So thats why I've had multiple A's, Sadly this last one, as I have posted was so much more emotional for me that my fantasy is real to me.

I have never been content with routine. And m with kids can be routine. Stay at home mom. Workout at the gym, visit to costco, make dinner, homework, not all that exciting. H comes home tired from a long day. I want excitement, he wants rest and quiet time. No wonder and A is so thrilling, huh!

Truth is, in the Latin countries, having a lover outside a M is common. Its not secret, H or W can have one. But its assumed that the M stays in tact. Makes you wonder if its really against human nature to mate for life. Just look at all the articals about how to affair proof your marriage, or how to get the spark back in. If it was so easy, they couldn't sell books about it. We all have too much time on our hands.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Fri, 10-16-2009 - 9:17am

Hi Everyone-


There has been some mixed opinions about this; and I agree with all sides of them. I have a tendacy to borderline obessions and XAP is no expection. When I find myself daydreaming again I think its in my best interested to leave the person faceless, maybe that will help with leaving it as a fanatsy.


One of the things Im finding hard about ending my A is that its forcing me to look at my M. Whereas before I could care less about wanting to dig deep to work things out. I flip flop on this, is what I really want or not, but thats besides the point. Right now,weather my M can work or not whats important is that I recongize the patterens within myself so I dont ever fall back into that trap of misery I tend to set for myself. So I guess, none of this is about my M or my A its about learning to love myself enough not to hurt me again; I think.

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