Recovering
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| Tue, 11-17-2009 - 10:12am |
Hi, I've not posted in a while but I do still read here regularly. Ended 3 yr A at the start of year went back mid-year xAP walked away from me again, it felt pretty brutal at the time. Past few months xAP resumed fishing attempts (we work together).
Thing is I know I won't go back now I can say it and I believe it inside myself. Its taken me so long to get here I never thought I would be able to resist the temptation in the past no matter how badly we ended every time I would go back I was like a zombie.
Time and very little contact has given me the strength to walk away from something I realise I overly emotionally invested in. I attached too much importance to a relationship that can't ever work out. Now when he fishes I think what's changed? Answer - nothing so I've learned the hard way, I live with the feelings and won't act on them again, too painful.
I couldn't have done it without the help here. Messenger and Lovely Starr were the two CLs who helped drag me out of the sea, I honestly didn't know which way was up or where to turn and I am very grateful to them both and also to all who have taken the time to reply to my posts in the past, I really can't thank you all enough!
Roxy xx

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Hi HTGO, yeah it did take him a while to come fishing again because, as I read the situation, xAP had a lot of other stuff going on this year and this is how I see things:
xAP fished in May and I cave so now he's confident I can be reeled in to better suit his timetable so its ok park me on the bench until the rest of his personal stuff is sorted. I thought he may try again in September and surprise surprise he has. BUT with the good few months of NC and the cycnical way he's manipulating my emotions I can see things much more clearly - guess its my lightbulb moment. :))
Its a shame you can't get more distance between you and your xAP HTGO I remember (ha ha my good memory again!) that we both made good progress in the summer when they were out of our hair for a while.
2 weeks NC isn't long enough for definite I wouldn't be where I am now if xAP hadn't had too many plates to keep spinning this year which also made me realise what a huge priority I was in his life (ha ha not!). Call it fate or whatever, its given me enough headspace to make my exit :)
OOOps rambled on again!! its does feel good to get it all out though I've no other outlet so if you made it this far thanks for reading :)
hugs
Roxy xx
Hey Roxy,
But OF COURSE I read all that you wrote!!!!!!!!!!! How could I not? I really like to read your posts. Oh yes, I remember the vacation time very well too. How good did that feel! In 2010 he is planning to go on a vacation for TWO weeks instead of just one. Yay!
I am so glad for you that you got enough time away from xAP to end it once and for all!!!!!!!!!!
You will never cave again, will you?
Hugs
Htgo
Hi my cyber friend :) well I know after all I've put myself through, the advice I've had and tried to apply and all the potentional consequences I'm aware of I should be able to say 'absolutely there's no way I'll never cave again' yeah, if only life were that simple!
I know if I go back no good will ever come of it, it won't work out, blah blah blah blah you know the script so all I can do is my very best to keep on the path I'm on every day I think not today, so far its worked out :))))
By the way, that was a really tough question to answer made me think a lot, thanks xx
Roxy
ps just read your brilliant post to Mickey well done you made the Healing Library! you're getting there dear HTGO
Edited 11/21/2009 7:45 am ET by roxygirl2009
Hey Roxy, my friend,
I was very happy to hear that one of my posts made a little sense :)
Sometimes it feels as if I am just typing all the time: "oh yeah, my xAP is a total loser too!" or "he could be your xAP's twin!" ha ha
I really hope that you will never go back again.
Hm, it all of a sudden makes me think of Monopoly. (do you know the game?) Make sure you never get "In Jail" again!! It will only slow you down.
LOL the xAP's did not even want to buy us a little house on the cheapest street, and if YOU "play" wisely and smart , you can buy yourself a luxurious home in a beautiful suburb (and no, xAP's are NOT invited!)
In other words, having an xAP in your life makes our lives very unfulfilling (crumbs!) and we will be so MUCH better off without them. (very much talking to myself too)
So don't go back to Jail!!!!!!!!!!!! ;) (you should look up the little image on Google that's on the square 'in Jail'. It looks too funny :) It could be us, wondering : "HOW WILL WE EVER GET OUT???", holding the bars and shaking it)
I am SO proud of you :)
I guess I am thinking about Monopoly because my son likes to play it so much.
Big hug,
and another Hug to Go ;)
Htgo
Ha ha that's really funny the game I always think of is snakes and ladders I reckon i'm on number 75 nearly at the finish yay! but I can see the huge python (no pun intended!!!) lurking ahead! that could take me back to square one - boo :(
Used to love Monopoly when I was young - maybe the creators of board games were xAPs too!! Wanders off to try and invent multi-million dollar selling board game ......
I've thought of it... ok its called 'No Dice' it comes in a very seductive, irresistable box and contains one heavy board.
Rules (quite simple): take board out of box and hit yourself over head until
a) you've had enough decide to take a break but miss the headaches so much you begin game again
or
b) you eventually knock yourself out (or end up looking like the guy in the jail on the Monopoly board!).
Enjoy. Please note however, other more enjoyable board games are available.
Have a happy weekend HTGO :)))
Roxy xx
Edited 11/21/2009 1:09 pm ET by roxygirl2009
Edited 11/21/2009 1:11 pm ET by roxygirl2009
OMG, Roxy,that was so funny!!! LOL
I can't stop laughing.
Hm, you certainly have a point where as you wonder
if the xAP's are the ones who created the board games! That must be it!
LOL we better not play the game "No Dice" !!!!
I am still laughing! You are so funny, Roxy!!!
I hope you'll have a great and happy Sunday
Hugs
htgo
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