Recovery at Month 4: A Desire to Simply Do Better

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Recovery at Month 4: A Desire to Simply Do Better
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 5:16pm

Next Monday will mark 4 months since I ended my A.  Aside from a short early text at week 1, I've maintained NC, and so has he.  The likelihood of crossing paths is nearly zero.  What has gotten me through my recovery (still in-progress) is a strong, overwhelming desire to simply do better. 

It was another A that broke up my first marriage 19 years ago.  I was young and married to someone who was simply not right for me at all.  I naively thought my then-xAP (also married) would just run away with me and we'd live happily ever after.  Over time, I discovered the ugly truth - that ugly truth we've all come to realize about A's... That A was no different and predictably ran it's sad course.  

I was lost for awhile after that - I could not go back to my DH, but I was also living in a new city, 500 miles from home, where I knew just one friend - who moved a year later.  It was singularly the most lonely time of my life.  But I was determined, and I put myself out there, in life.

I learned a lot from my first A, and one thing I knew for certain was that I did not want to ever again descend into that deep, dark emotional hole I once found myself in 19 years ago.  It was that lesson that gave me the strength to stop my 2nd A early-on.  I was/am in (another!) bad marriage, yes, but my 2nd xAP was separated from a woman who left him for another man.  I could so clearly see how it would play out, and as fond as we were of each other, I did not want any part of it.  I knew I could - and needed to - do better.

I still have more to do.  Life with my H has improved and is more peaceful, thanks to weeks and weeks of MC we've so far had, but only from a communication perspective.  It has really helped him more than anything.  (I mentioned previously that he suffers from deep insecurities and anxiety, manifested in mostly unwarranted anger in our home, and lots of shouting over the most innocuous things - over a period of the 12+ years we've known each other/been married.)

My T knows about my A, and has reassured me that feelings for my H will return as the quality of our communication continues to improve.  I guess I need to give it more time.  There's so much painful history with my H.  So much.  It's historically been like being married to a child who constantly throws temper tantrums.  Truly.  It's quite lonely being the adult, making the hard decisions and with little cooperation when called for.

I have days when I have serious doubts about ever being happy with my H, even with long periods of peace and cooperation.  It saddens me to think I could go to my grave feeling like this.  I just hope my T is right.  Until then, I wonder if I could do better.

I'm not sitting idly by.  We recently sold some property that was bogging us down financially (yes -- lots of tantrums initially, but thankfully they've recently stopped).

2013 will be the year to do even more clearing out - of accumulated "stuff" and effectively lightening the load and life in-general.

I am so thankful for my gym, where I've met so many wonderful people, who have become friends -- and for my job as co-founder of a promising new high-technology company.

I've placed even more importance on getting out and simply meeting new people - just widening my "network."

Deep down, I secretly wish for a better partner, but only if I am able to connect on the right path - and not through an A again.

Time will tell.  Until then, doing everything I can to open myself up to the possibilities of the universe.



Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 9:51am

Four months? Already? Seems like just yesterday you showed up, sounding defeated with your complicated life. Cool

Sounds like you are simplifying your life. Organizing your life. Taking care of your life. Nurturing your life. Sounds like you are getting it together. Taking care of business with YOUR life.

It isn't selfish to do such things. It's common sense. The happiest people in the world, take care of themselves.Think about it.

You eventually have to be number one in your life. 

It's a journey, but you are on the right road.

I'm pulling for you.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 11:15am

You're moving right along, a nice steady pace...and keeping expectations reasonable. 

You've come along way in four months.  Keep up the good work :)



Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 7:06pm

Dear Rather,

I enjoy it when you respond to my posts - thank you.

Every situation is different.  But I learned from my first A that I *cannot* rush into making knee-jerk decisions about the course of my life again.  I did that 19 years ago when I blindly fell in love with an unavailable man, immediately abandoned my H, and moved several states away to a city where I knew absolutely no one - not even my xAP (he was another two states south of me - I was "inching" my way toward him!). 

In the end, it all worked out with the xAP in the rearview mirror, but I was lost after that, and felt very lonely for quite a long time.  I knew everyone back home, but no one in my new place.  The right way would have been to properly and fully recover from the A  + my 1st D (absolutely necessary) - and map out a better-planned exit strategy.  It would have greatly shortened my overall recovery and left me in a far healthier frame of mind.  Oh if only I could speak to that young woman today to tell her how her future unfolded!

FFWD to today, I like my husband but do not love him (we were introduced through mutual friends and I settled).  Perhaps my feelings can change, and I truly hope so in the course of our MC, but I have big doubts.  So, until then, it's just the smart and right thing to do to downsize/prune/eliminate unnecessary baggage. 

Effectively making space/freeing up life - is what I'm all about, together with taking extreme care - mentally and physically.  I also want to find my true, strong self again.  I think only then can I possibly know where my compass truly wants to go - either to stay in home port or venture onward before it's too late to do anything about it!