Redemption
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Redemption
| Fri, 02-26-2010 - 8:10pm |
What is is going to take to feel 'clean' again? I'm beginning to really appreciate the concept of Christian redemption for the first time in my life. I was reared a Christian and understood the concept, but I've never, ever felt the need for redemption quite like I do now and I am not 'feeling it'. I want to feel self-redeemed, universe-redeemed, maker-redeemed.... and I don't. Will I ever feel CLEAN again?
I don't need spiritual guidance. And I don't want to discuss Christianity. I know I am forgiven; it's just that I wonder if I'll ever FEEL redeemed.
I'm a little low today.
Do you feel redeemed? Do you _want_ to feel redeemed? How did you get to the place where you didn't feel dirty anymore, if you did?
kisses,
Dee

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You will.
Comments and
Ahh De-vine,
Sounds like you need some directions to Redemption. I Google mapped it.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
It's funny (not), the feelings that come up over time. So much muck to druge through. God, how I wish I never never never went "there". I regret every single aspect of it. My only redeeming hope, I think, is that maybe I'll someday have the wisdom and words to guide someone else from the path I so stupidly took in my darkest hour. I almost don't want to be free of the pangs of remorse and pain because they are so useful to me right now. I want to FEEL this so that I won't ever be such an idiot again. And I don't even mean an idiot like an Affair Having Idiot, just the kind of idiot who believes her own lies and takes the wrong path out of weakness and lack of discipline. Never again. I fear _myself_ and my own weakness more than any fantom or boogieman ever come before. I was my own worst enemy. That is a scary place to be.
xoxo
Dee
Ok now Dee-Stain,
You have the directions to leave Guilt City and get to Redemption. No turning down Condemnation Avenue, Judgment Blvd, Defile Way or Remorse Avenue those streets never lead to Redemption.
<>.
If you keep this up we will have no choice but to send you to Bob Newhart for T.
This could get ugly. Do you really want me to bump up your “Bossin’ You Around” thread? Do you really want me to have to use that against you in EAS court? Do you really want to have to read my post on that thread again and wonder what in the world I’m talkin bout? Don’t make me open a can of…well you know. Don’t make me go there GF.
You know you have already gained a lot of wisdom and have shared it to help others…whether they wanted to hear it or not. That is not the point. The point is that you have sometimes single handedly dragged Newbies out of the toxic quicksand they were in. Do you think you could do that if you didn’t have the knowledge of exactly what they were going through? Do you think you could decipher when the addict was talking if you didn’t know what an addict sounds like?
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
((Dee))
<>
You are already doing this, honey, and paying it forward will fulfill that hope.
Our maker has forgiven us but forgiving ourselves is the hard part. A lot of prayer and long talks to the man upstairs helped me
~Iddy~
Dee,
Hey momma, the ladies all chimed in already, sorry I am a bit late. I am on an up kick as of late but that thing redemption is still far away...somehow I believe its ok and it will come one day soon. I did like E-1's directions tho. Here is some personal info about me....I hope it helps you one way or another.
Feeling clean....you have no idea how many times I have stood in my shower once the water has grown almost cold thinking it would make me "feel"clean. I thought I could wash MM off my skin. I would visualize him. And scrub my body, not to the point where it was raw....but close. Those are dark times and I would try to refocus and then as I would be lotioning up my skin, I kinda feel like I am polishing my skin and making myself brand new. I know it may sound silly, but it is all I have. And somehow it helps. Overtime, I have felt better, there are still times when I feel bad. I actually say STOP out loud. N then I shift gears like a car and keep moving.
Before the A, I used to love my shower time, bath time etc...it was my "ME" time. I would have music playing and I would feel so beautiful and free. I would feel so feminine and natural. I would look in the mirror and think the years have been good to me...I would feel confident. Post A....all that was shot!! Gone! Poof! Just like that.
So to answer your questions, no I do not feel redeemed. NO, I do not feel clean YET. But I am closer by the day. Sounds a lil odd but I do not feel dirty anymore. I think I am letting go of the guilt...perhaps that helps. Whats keeping me positive our thoughts like this....Everyday I am NC, I am peeling another layer of him away from me. I am restoring me. I am refinishing myself. I do it one day at a time...although I am in a good place, not a day has gone by that I do not think about MM and B. I look at my body and think a thousand what if's. You name it, its been a thought, Boy, girl, all that yucky stuff that does me no good. Its my pain and my choices and I deal with it. I am handling it the best I can and I have resolved that is all I can do. So I pray a bit....I journal. I come here and I am healing....that is all I know. But it all still scares me too.
I also feel like I had to feel all this pain head on. It has simply sucked but I had to go thru it. Still am. I am responsible too. I feel I need to remember. I can never go back "there" as you put it. Its the pain and fear that literally drive me. But the very thought of EVER hurting myself or anyone else again is a huge fear. I am in a steadfast effort over come it daily. And FYI- you have already helped so many....including me.
You are so powerful. It hurts me to hear when you are low. I truly respect you. Your posts have pulled me thru some dim and dark moments. I have laughed at your wit...I have loved when you wind up and say it like it is. You hold nothing back. Some people are so scared to do that. U seem fearless in so many posts. U r a pillar around here. I can not tell you how many times I have laughed out loud as I read your post. Laughter is something we always need around here. I bet you are an asset you wherever you work and I can also bet that people gravitate to you, look up to you. U r sassy. Its pretty adorable. I mean these words. I aint sucking up...although one would think I am the biggest brown noser right now...LOL..
Hope today is better for you than yesterday. I hope somehow I helped you. Let me know how you are....please, thought about you a lot.
Besos y Brazos
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Dee-
The responses to this post have been great, and there's probably nothing else I can say to add to them... especially love the directions to redemption! However, I did want to chime in and say that your posts have helped me more than you can know. Iddy is right when she says you have pulled many newbies out of the quicksand. I too have a long way to go and deal with the guilt and remorse on a continual basis, but at day 30 NC (2 days LC- work only), it's ladies like you and others here that give me hope. Keep up the fight, Dee.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
All of your kind words and support have really lifted me today. I am sorry to whine about feeling low. And, gosh, knowing that I've helped here on the board really makes me feel proud and hopeful. I have been helped soooo much here; the board is my only really good source of support, and I really _have_ come a long way - I'm proud of that. And I'm proud to be part of such a fine community of people. I don't want to let you down - don't want to let myself down and I really don't want E1 to beat me! So I'm going to buck up now. ;)
xooxoxox to all of you! You are true friends.
Dee
Hey there Dee,
Hey Dee,
I lurk way more than I post on here but when I read this thread I just had to tell how floored I was because while I'm still a "newbie" as far as NC goes I've have been feeling the EXACT same way as what you say in your post.
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