Reflecting after 3 months OUT of the A
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| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:22pm |
Hello everyone,
I've been so crazy busy lately that I haven't had time to read or post lately. Fri. mornings are my "downtime" days and today is really the first time in a few weeks that I've had the time or emotional energy to contemplate what life has been like these last 3 months since the end of my 6 yr. affair.
I truly believe that I am REALLY close to completing the grieving cycle. Looking back at the last few weeks, I THINK there have been days that I haven't thought about XMM (at least not much). I have had a few brief online conversations with him over the last week but it was actually a good thing for me for a few reasons. First, our relationship ended very ugly and that added salt into the wound. There is a sense of peace having had a few civil conversations with him, the feeling of rejection from him was a hard pill to swallow. Knowing that he doesn't hate me makes me feel better about the A ending.
Also, some of the things he said during our online conversation really made me realize that we are very different people with very different values, I found my self asking "what WAS I thinking"? During one of our conversations he asked if he could call me the next day. I told him he could, knowing that he most likely wouldn't (as usual). Funny, it wasn't until the end of the day that it dawned on me....hey, he never called. It is a great feeling to not be on edge all day wondering if he will call like he said he would, and not caring that he didn't.
Another reason it was good for me to talk with him is that during the course of our conversation I never felt even a tinge of desire or longing for him. I wasn't missing him, and it made me realize how far I've come. I have poured myself into my schooling and our home remodel and my kids. I am a straight A student and yesterday I got some of my project back that I had worked on when I was still in the "anger" stage of grieving. I couldn't believe the stupid mistakes I made and I know it was because I was consumed with thinking about XMM. I am now working on another school project (Architecture/Interior Design) and I am excited and inspired now that I can think with a clear head. I have so much more to share but this is already long enough. I share in doses.
Good, positive thoughts going out to you all.
CG
