Reflection

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Reflection
7
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:09pm
As I sit here alone on Valentine's Day night, I'm thinking about what could have been. A year ago I had two men who cared about me H (did) & xMM (claimed to - liar). Tonight, I have neither. My married and single but dating girlfriends have all told me about the things that their men did for them today - roses, gifts, dinners, etc. And it strikes me hard that had I held tight to my dignity and selfrespect (i.e. never gotten involved w/xMM), I would have had a loving H who would have showered me with all those silly things so many of us women crave for V'Day. It's amazing what a year can bring, isn't it? xMM didn't so much as shoot me an email today. H gave me a card w/no personal message in it and then went out. I'm so lonely and sad. The worst thing is that I know it's all my fault that I'm in this position. I feel so down. I just want out of my life. I want a new life, a happy life, but I just don't have the energy to create it. If my life is this miserable at 25, what the hell will it be in another 25 years? I think I'm going to have a pity party - just me & my cat.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:21pm

Blue

Your right a year can make a big difference, 1 year from now your life may have taken a completly different direction.

It is pointless to expend energy on the past, learn from your mistakes and move forward into the future, that future may include your husband maybe not but you will recover from this as hard as it is to believe right now.

You will create that future when your ready, trust me dear the next 25 years are going to be full of interesting days weeks and years, BTDT.

Stay SOBER Blondy

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:36pm
No worries Free - I'll stay sober tonight. I have a ton of work to do tomorrow, so drinkings not an option! I know things seem so much worse for me right now b/c it's hard for me to imagine them getting better b/c I've been down for so long, but you're right, next year could be so much better. I hate when I get all down in the dumps like this. I know I have to learn how to make myself happy instead of waiting for some guy to do it for me. I guess I'm just impatient. Thanks for putting up with me :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:00pm

hey blue,

u are not alone, we are all here !!!!!

be RED ;), i too am sitting here in the couch and watching the evening news, so much trouble around the world, some people dont even have shelter and i am here sitting in a heated house in the middle of winter, we are still lucky , think of it

i too was reminiscing , i had a wonderful wife and i betrayed her, made some bad choice and i hope to learn from it, i will never get into an affair again, its all lies

hey u are too young to be thinking like that, im 39 and maybe i still got another 39 yrs to go, more fun i hope than heartache :)

Free is right, dont look back, just remember the past so we wont make the same mistake but look forward to more fun, the best is yet to come

dont wallow in self pity, i did that , was on anti-depression meds, trust me u dont want to be on those meds, they numb u and u actually dont feel any emotions, i t worked for a while but i did not like it

valentines day is so overrated, everyday should be valentines day, trust me , i am hoping that in time it will get better, stay strong

eat some ice cream :)

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:03pm

Blue

Your welcome.

Your VERY young so your looking at this with a young persons prespective thats way you feel like you have been down for a long time, I have spent more time changing diapers then you have been married so tend to look more long term, comes with age, SO IN SHORT it really has not been that long just feels like it.

You will survive you will learn and you will grow into the woman you have the potential to be, pity your husband if he does not hang around long enought to meet her.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:55am

Thanks Max! I know you & Free are right. I'm 25 so everything seems more important than it really is. I've got a lot of growing up to do. Things could be so much worse, but when I'm in the "poor me" zone and b/c it's my life it seems so much harder than it really is.

Incidentally I think I know what you mean about the meds. I've been on Lexapro since this summer & my doctor recently increased my dosage, and I just cannot cry. I know I need to release my emotions, but I just cannot do it. It's frustrating b/c I used to be able to cry at the drop of the hat & it always made me feel better. Ahhh well.

I hope you have a great day today!

Blue

PS I took you up on your ice cream advice :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 8:59am
Free - you always make me feel better! I am being quite the baby about things - I guess I just don't feel equipped to deal sometimes. But I know I've got to grow up & take responsibility for my actions. Thanks for listening & have a great day!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 02-15-2005 - 9:04am

hi blue,

ice cream !! good

meds - i was on Lexapro also, i know it blocks all your emotions, i stop taking it about 3 months ago i think

i hope we all have a better day today than yesterday, yesterday was bloody

max