A Reflection on the past 60 Days
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| Mon, 03-29-2010 - 12:07pm |
Today marks Day 60 NC/LC. 60 days ago I walked away from my xap and made a choice to put "me" first. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I had reached "enough is enough" and had to get out before the A destroyed me completely. I had become a shell of a woman inside the A.
I wanted to give an update to those who have supported me and talk about my journey for those newbies out there... you will make it, I promise, but you have to be willing to put in the work. It is not easy.
The past 60 days have been a roller coaster. I went from being completely empowered and liberated the first week, to feeling completely heartbroken and despaired the next.... and the cycle continues today. But I kept posting and reading here. I've gained a lot of strength through NC and learned so much about myself. This is certainly not easy, but nothing worth anything ever is. I have accepted that the A is over. The fog has lifted and I can see the A for what it was. I have not left any doors open to that and I am only looking forward. When thoughts of the fantasy creep in, I remind myself that it was only fantasy, despite how it felt.
I have re-devoted myself to my M and I am literally happier than I have been in a long time. My DH has forgiven me, and because of his forgiveness and willingness to work on our M, I have discovered the true meaning of unconditional love. I have learned what it means to be safe and secure in a relationship. He and I are on the same team for the first time in a long time and I am comforted by that.
Yes, I have moments. I cry my eyes out. It still hurts, but I saved myself from the wreckage and I know that with each day I grow stronger. And I know that I am on a righteous path now. It is scary. I don't know what will happen, but I do know what will NOT happen. I will not get sucked back into the fog of the A.
If not for this board and the support of the people here, I do not know if I would have made it this far. The wisdom and insight I have soaked up is irreplaceable. I want to thank everyone for posting here. I surely would have died without it. I will say it again- this is a hard road to walk, but nothing worth having comes easy. I wanted my soul back, and I've got it- and I will never give it away again.
Love to you all!Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Edited 3/29/2010 12:18 pm ET by secretlifeofjane28

Jane,
Congratulations!! You have proven to me that getting over this and working through it is possible. You're right, it is NOT easy. I think it might be the hardest thing I have ever done.
You should be so proud of how far you've come. Thank you for being a motivating person in my life.
(HUGS)
Hazel
Jane-
You and I used to be on the same exact day of NC...until when at Day 49 he contacted me. I ended up caving faster than a heroin addict back on the streets. I thought he wanted me, but he just wanted to "check-in" and then disappeared. Then, after several days of obsessively checking my e-mails and not getting one back from my correspondence, I went off on him and told him what a jerk I thought he was for contacting me then not responding. I mean, he broke NC, so I win, right? NOPE. I still lost, was rejected, the whole nine yards. The day after my "you're a jerk" e-mail (I felt so good about it for a whole hour before regret set in) I end up apologizing and asking if we can be friends and meet for lunch once in a while, just friends. What the hell am I thinking? Anyway, just thought I would comment on your 60 days, considering I am back at the starting gate again.
Wow, livefortoday, this is scary.
Jane,
I am so very happy for you.
Thank you all for your kind words. I do feel a sense of renewed strength after a rocky end to last week... but the sun is shining, my real life is taking shape and I can FEEL myself healing.
Livefortoday- I am so so sorry that he fished and you got sucked back in. I used to be jealous of the ladies on here whose xap's fished, but now I know that NC really is the only way to maintain strength. Just having to communicate with him for work drained the life out of me last week. I wanted to know that he was thinking of me and blah blah blah. Who cares? It doesn't matter. Our paths diverged 61 days ago and now we deal with the endings in our own way. I hope that you find the strength and resolve to block and walk again. I know that you now know how self destructive the A is... I wish I could give you a big hug. You can do this. We are here to support you.
KMG- I'd love to talk with you more and answer your questions. Would you like to email me? You can do so through my blog or my profile.
BIG HUGS TO ALL MY EAS FRIENDS.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
I love your strength and wish you all the best in this new chapter in your life. Much love to you and yours and that your marriage becomes much stronger now then ever before. I hope to get to where you at soon. I'm working on it.
Much peace & Love,
Rayne
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NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/