Refresher Course Required

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Refresher Course Required
9
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 9:31am

Having spent the New Year in bed with flu, I dragged my sorry a$$ into work this morning. Going through the mail I ripped open a card which was from xAP!!! Basically wondering how on earth, we had got to where we are, why won’t I talk to him, oh and wishes me and my family a Happy New Year , while loving me always!!!! The irony...... I’m so mad, and upset, I’m done, it’s over. This is the third pathetic half baked fishing attempt he has made in 8 months. Always his attempts have been where I would have to make contact with him, so manly! This is not how I want to start 2013 with him in my mind and yet he is. I have worked so hard at moving on and putting this behind me, him behind me and largely I have done that. Yet here I sit fully aware of his personality flaws and limitations’, knowing it was a fantasy filled ego trip for both of us, and still I feel like I’m being heartless by ignoring him. It just isn’t in my nature to do that. And maybe if I dig really deep there is a tiny little part of me, the part I can’t show to anyone, that part of me is overjoyed that he is still hooked......   Even though I KNOW he is, it was, we were, deluding ourselves in a load of fantasy filled nonsense, that wasn’t real, if I’m being brutally brutally honest with myself, part of the reason why I will stick to NC is because I will not, not, not, cave in and make direct contact with him as he is hoping/pushing for me to do. Sometimes my stubbornness isn’t such a bad thing after all. I do though recognise that I could use a little refreshers course. So if anyone has words of wisdom I’d be grateful.....

 

Sunny Soon Xxx  

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 10:06am

Hi Sunny

I'm sorry to hear that your xAP has sent you though a loop again.

Sunny, sweety - if he really cared about you - would he truely be trying to hook you again? Think of what the A did to you, your marriage and your children. The A took your precious love, attention and affection to a lesser or greater degree, elsewhere - where it did not belong.

I know how much you love your family, and how much you want to stop thinking about your A. So try and think about what kind of man wants you to be the worste possible person?

A man who respected you, and the life you have built for yourself, WOULD leave you alone. IF you choose to split with your husband of your own accord, then you would be free to pursue this man - but only is he had left his wife.

Sunny - you made your choice..... you didn't choose him - you made the right choice for you. Your xAP - he wants to contiue making his cake eating choices.... he does not have your best interests at heart.

Rip up the card - and try and laugh it off as a desperate attempt.... and a little bit scarey stalker behaviour.... Keep up NC - this man is not worth risking everything for...

Much love to you Sunny xxx

WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 10:32am
Good for you for staying strong. Thing about his sorry attempts this way; instead of being flattered be insulted that in 8 months this man has asked you to throw your dignity and self-respect to the side and sneak around with him. Forgetting that you have made a commitment to another man whom you have promised to love, protect and be faithful. Your xap is asking you to compromise your values and get into bed with him and afterwards he goes home to his W and plays the good H until he craves a little action on the side. You see, he doesn't want you full time. He doesn't want to go through the good, bad and ugly of life with you, he only wants you for a release from his real life to escape life for just one night and then he is done with you. It's not worth it. There is nothing flattering about a man who is looking to use your body and time as a temporary filler. You have a man in real life who doesn't throw you to the side but who stands with you through life; one who doesn't hide you and doesn't ask you to lower your standards just to be with him. A man who can't be faithful to his W isn't worth risking your M.
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 11:51am

Sunny, super hugs sweetie.  What a yucky way to start the New Year at work, I'm sure you quickly found the shredder or at the very least the recycle bin.

Your xAP's fishing attempts sound just like my xAP's :(  I guess Knowing that your xAP is not unique is not really may helpful, but I got to think of it this way:

Our xAPs aren't even man enough to fish like real men.  This isn't fishing, it's a lame-o attempt at getting you to fish.  It is all risk free on his part.  He isn't risking rejection.  He is still in A fog, and in the A fog mind set this card trick is a win-win:  You respond and contact and he gets his ego stroked and it is you that ends up looking needy by contacting him.  You don't respond, it's no big deal, it was just a greeting card.  It's quite simple, his actions are all about him, it has nothing to do with you. 

So now your actions need to be about you.  How about wishing 10 people you know and genuinely care for a Happy New Year.  How about wishing yourself a Happy New Year.  Ok, that may sound dumb but try it.  Write down what you wish for yourself in 2013, close your eyes and say Happy New Year Sunny.

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 11:51am

Sunny, super hugs sweetie.  What a yucky way to start the New Year at work, I'm sure you quickly found the shredder or at the very least the recycle bin.

Your xAP's fishing attempts sound just like my xAP's :(  I guess Knowing that your xAP is not unique is not really may helpful, but I got to think of it this way:

Our xAPs aren't even man enough to fish like real men.  This isn't fishing, it's a lame-o attempt at getting you to fish.  It is all risk free on his part.  He isn't risking rejection.  He is still in A fog, and in the A fog mind set this card trick is a win-win:  You respond and contact and he gets his ego stroked and it is you that ends up looking needy by contacting him.  You don't respond, it's no big deal, it was just a greeting card.  It's quite simple, his actions are all about him, it has nothing to do with you. 

So now your actions need to be about you.  How about wishing 10 people you know and genuinely care for a Happy New Year.  How about wishing yourself a Happy New Year.  Ok, that may sound dumb but try it.  Write down what you wish for yourself in 2013, close your eyes and say Happy New Year Sunny.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 12:43pm

OHHHHHH!  SUNNY!!!!

I GET IT!!!

I’m right here with ya baby!

My XAP fished on 12/19, with an email (via work) reminiscing, wishing me a Merry Christmas, etc.  My T even told me not to be surprised if he used the holidays as an excuse to make contact. 

So, XAP gets in my head-again.  Quite nervy of him to send the email after I told him in a final email early October not to contact me anymore!

And I understand your feelings.  Yes, feels kind of good to think they’re thinking of us.  BUT, then I remind myself of what’s really going on.  WGO is RIGHT ON.  These guys do not really care about us; it’s about them and wanting their cake on the side.  They are not thinking about us in a respectful way.  It IS an insult.  I must have given off vibes and signals that I was the type that would screw around.  (Duh, that’s why the A occurred in the first place!)  So, of course he’s going to think that is still who I am.

UNLESS, I show him differently.  By protecting my “new” boundaries.  I may not have had boundaries before, but I DO NOW!

And Myra is right on also.  This is an insult.  After all, so what?  He wrote a card and hopes he’ll get something on the side as a result.  If he does, he’ll have “scored” and then will skip off to his life with his W.   Just 10 days after my XAP sent the 12/19 email, he posted on FB that he and his W were at a concert for his birthday, that he was excited, that he was having a wonderful birthday, etc”  I mean, really?  They don’t want us full time; not at all.  We are a release for them, an escape, a distraction, a diverson.  That’s all he wants.

“A man who can't be faithful to his W isn't worth risking your M.”

 

 Bingo Myra.  Thank you for those words.

And Happy is right on as well.  It’s no big deal, just a card.  My XAP’s 12/19 email (which he sent from work) was no big deal.  Just an email sent from work; easy thing to do.  Why not? 

I love Happy’s suggestion about wishing others a Happy New Year.  Why not send out 10 cards to people you love and care about and wish them a Happy New Year?  Love it!

Hope this helps.

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 1:43pm
Sunny, I have to agree with everyone else, this is so disresepctful. You told him not to contact you and he is doing it anyway. Repeatedly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 6:42pm
Thank you everyone who took the time to respond, laying it all out and telling it as it really is. In my weary flu ridden self I just couldn't do that this morning. Truth is I should never have went in today, and so I felt much more fragile. I agree with everything that each of you has said, it is disrespectful and insulting, it is all about him and his needs and no he clearly doesn't care about me. I think that is what hurts the most. I will not wallow in that hurt though, I shall use it to keep moving on, and sticking steadfast to NC. Happyasme, you hit the nail on the head, bullseye! I had came to that same realisation just before Christmas - it isn't about me at all, it's all about him. On the plus side, that little fantasy I had going on in my own head and it was in MY head, is well and truly over..... I love the idea of wishing a heartfelt happy new year to people I care about. Let me start with you lovely ladies here! Happy New Year to us all.... And Sunrise, I can't wait to read your posts this time next year, you WILL be in such a better place sweetie, I know you will. Many thanks and Much Love Sunny Soon Xxx
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 2:20pm

Sunny love -

Are you feeling better?  I hope that you are doing better today.

You are not being heartless by ignoring him.  You are doing the right thing, the best thing for both of you, and the kindest thing for everyone involved.

He knows how you got to where you are.  He knows why you aren't talking with him.  You have changed and grown over these last 8 months - and you know more now than you did.  He has had the very same opportunities to change and grow from this experience, and he has chosen not to.  That is not your weight to carry, sweet pea.

You are okay.  You are a bit shaken - but you are okay, and you will not let this throw you off course.

Hugs,

Kim

    

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 01-04-2013 - 5:17pm

Just popping in and hoping you kept your sorry ass in bed today to rest up, and that you are feeling better.

(((HUG)))...gotta love cyberhugs...no germs :)

Clarity

Community Leader,

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