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| Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:31pm |
So, tomorrow will be 3 weeks w/NC. The last time we spoke was very ugly - we had a huge fight after H called while xOM and I were 'together'.
Anyway, I've been doing pretty good - feeling better everyday - until today. I've been going steadily downhill all day. I heard 'our song' on the radio this morning and before i realized what I was doing, I called him. He answered the phone, in a very cheerful tone and as soon as I heard his voice, I hung up. My cell # is blocked, so he either knew it was me (but can't prove it) or thought it was someone else (I use to be the only person w/ a blocked # who called him).
Anyway, I think hearing his voice is what pushed me over the edge. I've been feeling really crappy ever since then - just missing him and feeling weak. I'm so sick of this. I highly doubt that he has days like this - why should I????
Diva

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Crissy
You need to force yourself to eat and drink enouhg or your going to end up in the hospital or worse.
Make sure your sleeping, if you have to see your DR for a mild seditive, first and fore most take care of your health.
When you can put an end to his calls there only going to hold back your recovery.
Free
Free,
Thank you for caring. Seriously...I'm at the point where I want to hate myself so I'm trying to talk about it with whoever I can. I'm trying not to look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted at the person I see. I'm going to try to eat now.
Crissy
Crissy
Please take care of yourself nothing is to be gained by harming yourself, there are people in your life that really love you and would be devastated if they were to lose you.
You can recover your life it will take time and patience but you can do it and you will do it when you decide to.
Peace
Free
Crissy,
My heart goes out to you!! I completely understand what you are going through - but Free is right - hurting yourself won't help the situation. You need to eat and you need to rest.
I know me telling you that things will get better seems like BS right now, but it really does. You just need to take it one day (or one minute) at a time. Concentrate on now - getting through the present.
Also, I have found the hard way that continuing communication w the X only makes it worse. If you can, you should try to stop contact w/him. Post here often - you will find a great amount of strength, wisdom and support among the people who come here.
And most important, know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! We have all been there and experienced the horrible feelings you are having right now, and we have LIVED to tell the gory details!! You will too!!
Luv,
Diva
Diva,
Thank you for being here. I went to bed for a while because I couldn't cry anymore. Since this happened...I find myself waking up and not realizing for about a minute that my whole world as I knew it is gone. Then some more tears. Sometimes I actually scream and wail...it scares my dog and then I have to apologize and then I feel crazy and pathetic for only having a dog to talk to. I have been reading all of the other discussions and have not wanted to admit to myself that this relationship was not "real."
It hurts too much to think that. I've been divorced for 3 years and I have to say that divorce was easier than going through this because this was not my choice.
I was very cynical about "love" and this man said things to me that someday I hope to hear from someone who is truly mine (yet, I feel like I will NEVER find someone like him.) He melted my heart and made me doodle his name!
He initiated the talk about us being together forever. I totally fell for it and planned out our "forever." And now he is gone but I know that he wants to be able to talk as friends at work like we used to. I don't have to see him at work every day, thank God. But people are always bringing his name up at work (for work related reasons) and I just don't even want to hear his name! Nobody at work knew about us...and I had looked forward so much to the day when they did...and we would be able to go out in public or to work functions together and be seen as "the happy couple." That will never happen now. I replaced him at the job I'm at now...and rumor is that he is about to be promoted and that I will be promoted to replace him again...I can't take this right now. I've apologized to my boss for being distracted at work and he totally understands but does not know the truth. I want to be good at work again. Everyone always says that I'm highly thought of...but I beat myself up and can't imagine that to be true when I know I've done better. I will keep posting...seeing all of this in print helps me see how foolish I was...and makes me mad.
Crissy
Crissy,
I've never offered anyone here advice because I dropped in looking for some advice & insight myself, so I don't feel particularly "qualified" to dole out any pearls, if you kow what I mean. Now, if you want to learn how to F-up in love, then I'm your man. What I'm saying is, I can relate to your self loathing and plummeting spirit.
In the short time I've been looking "backwards" into the A I was involved in for 10 years, I found this concept called "Wish Fulfillment." 'In psychoanalytic theory, it is the satisfaction of a desire or need through a dream, fantasy, or other exercise of the imagination.' (Book term, not mine.) The idea is that we fantasized many parts of the R when we weren't getting our true needs (time & personal attention) met. I'm telling you this because I have found that by "naming" something it helps explain our behavior; that is, it's all been done before by so many other people that we can take comfort knowing we didn't just go off the deep end.
I can also relate to what you said about wanting to be the "happy couple" in public. If you look down a few topics to "The Unfulfilled Future," you'll see I'm sruggling with the exact same issue.
Best I can tell you is that you're not alone. I'm trusting those on this board who say there is redemption if one goes thru the process authentically. And, like you, I want to fast forward a few years to escape much of it. For right now though, it looks like it's one day at a time for us.
Sorry not to have something more profound to say. Take care of yourself.
-LG
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