Relapse - Yikes
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| Sun, 02-13-2005 - 9:04pm |
Hi All,
As usual, it's been awhile. I thought I was totally over my A once and for all. But then, I had a relapse of sorts. No worries, I didn't see xMM, but I did break NC. I had a really really bad week personally (M and job), which culminated in an anxiety attack. Well, I tried to get in touch w/one of my friends, but I got their voicemails, my H was not reachable, so I called xMM b/c in the past he had helped me when I had one of these attacks. Well, I was able to reach him and he was surprising receptive to helping me and we talked for nearly an hour (not about us), but just stuff that helps me get thru it. I felt a lot better when I finally got off the phone. But of course I had opened the door again to who knows what. On top of it, a special day for xMM & I would have been this week (not Valentines Day). I guess I'm feeling rather emotional, and after him being so nice & there for me when I needed it, I am - yikes please don't hit me Free - considering speaking w/xMM again. I miss him - not the jerk him, but the nice him. And I guess I was wondering if I could perhaps develop a friendship w/him w/the understanding that we would not cross the line again. Can guys do that? Oh man, I don't know what to do!
Thanks, Blue

hi blue,
im new to this board but been in a affair and trying to cope with ending it, me and OW have been going back and forth trying to end this more than once, its just gonna hurt more
i dont think "friends" can work so pls dont cross that line
my 2 cents, take care,
max
Blue
No you cannot have a friendship with the man you CHEAT on your husband with that is wrong in so many ways, besides once you cross that line going back is next to impossible not just for him but for YOU.
Add to all this if you still retain any desire to save your marriage how do you think you being the OM buddy is going to affect how your husband is going to look at you and your trust worthyness HUMMMM ?
Get real girl you know full well that idea is a pile of horse dung, what are your real motivations for thinking about it, needing some attention or what ?
BYE THE BYE turning to the person who wrecked your marriage and put you under all this stress for help ain't that bright is it !!!!
NO OFFENSE Sweetness but your having a BLOND DAY
Free
Hiya BEBG,
<<< I miss him - not the jerk him, but the nice him.>>>
Unfortunately, we don't get to pick & choose which bits of people we'd like to keep and which bits we'd like to ditch. The jerk him is still very much there and who do you suppose you'd see most of if you were to continue an inappropriate friendship with him?
<<>>
Only if you're willing to swap a physical & emotional physical affair for an emotional only affair. While exMM is in the picture, you're not able to fully reconnect with your husband. If you don't want to reconnect with your husband, then perhaps that needs to be discussed with your husband.
"From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
"WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?"
Shirley Glass PhD tells us that any one of these things is a dangerous sign of disconnect in a marriage or relationship that needs to be addressed urgently.
If we look at this friendship objectively for a moment, just how great a friendship is it? How many of your other friends have been happy to drag the worst behaviour out of you (lying, cheating, betraying) rather than encouraging you to be the best person you can be?
<<>>
Sure, some guys can do that. The question is more along the likes of can *you* do that and can your marriage survive it? As long as exMM is in the picture, you aren't giving your marriage your best attention. If preserving your marriage isn't something you're interested it, then take the appropriate steps.
<<>>
Sure you do, BEBG, you just weren't over-keen on the answer & were hoping for another one. ;)
Strength & peace,
Posie
Hi
I havent been postign as much mainly b/c I am doign better and feel right now I need to talk about MM less. But there is soemthign that is mentioned a lot on this board and I think it is an "assumption" but not always true.
Posie said <>
I dont necessarily agree. How about the H's that are disconnected from us and have been. I have never once been emotionally absent from my M. No matter what state of my A i have ALWAYS been emotionally and physically there for my H whenever he wanted me to be there. Before my A started, during my A and after, my treatment of my H has always been the same..really well!! If is he has who fades in and out of this M. I have beem working thru that in therapy but I started that 5 months beofre My A ended and had nothing to do with the ending of my A.
I will say that as much as I think my A never took away from my M it did take away from ME!! Took me away from life's simple pleasures, outside of my M, that I once enjoyed and am startign to enjoy again.
So maybe I am an isolated case but this is how it impacts my life!
Bria
Hi Blue
Please be careful in what you do. Friendship after affair is in my opinion impossible, I tried and it just lead to the same old thing all over again. Its phony to tell each other lets be friends, no such thing, think about what is a TRUE friend and u will see its not him. Good Luck...
Ladybug
Thanks to all of you that responded. And yes Free - I'm having a very blonde day (or more accurately week). I'm just going thru one of those stages in which I really miss xMM as a person in my life, as opposed to the inappropriate aspect. I do not wish to do that again with him or any other man. I know mentally I couldn't take it, plus I do not want to hurt anyone (H or his W) again. I guess too that I'm feeling really lonely. Things with H are just not good (and they weren't good before I spoke w/xMM the other day). I know this is going to sound super pathetic, but I really want to feel loved. I have never liked Valentines Day b/c every year since I was 14 I've had a super bad/disappointing day. Plus, like I said, a "day" is coming up this week for xMM and I and it's bringing out the nostalgia in me. I know I can't pick & choose the parts of a person (ie the jerk v. the nice) and I also agree that xMM is not a friend in that a friend would never have aided in cheating. I do understand that and agree with that. My H does know that things aren't good between us, b/c of xMM but also b/c of other things. While I wouldn't say our commuication is great, we at least both know that. We've been discussing separation/divorce a lot lately. I guess I just really need a hug - but I realize that xMM is not the one to look to for that.
I'm Blue
Blue
(((((((((((HUGE))))))))))))
The is one big hugre for you.
Understand one thing---if XMM had any real honest feelings of LOVE for you he would never ever have laid a finger on you.
Hon I don't know how things are going to end up with you and hubby but I can tell you with absolute certanty that you do not want or need a CHEATING MARRIED MAN as part of your life, no peace no Joy nothing good can ever come from it in the LONG RUN.
And you sure as hell don't want one with no tiny little short penis do you.
Free
((((((HUGE)))))) One for the road.