Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 6:05pm
The weirdest thing happened to me today. I've been so sad - missing OM and feeling withdrawl, then today I was driving along - thinking about the affair ending and felt incredible relief. I kept thinking - thank god, it may be over. The nightmare might finally be over. I know this is a situation that has never been out of my control to end, so I can't explain why it always feels like I don't have a choice but to stay in it. Odd.

Anyway, when it all hit me, that I could have a new fresh start ahead of me, I kept saying to myself - what was I thinking? What have I been doing? How could I be sitting here thinking all my happiness was over, when really its my sadness and lies that really could be over. How could I have hurt so many people.

Then when I came to write this post - I did a search (as I read in one of the other posts) of my name. There were a few posts to me I had never read and some that I forgotten that were quite powerful. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I feel so much guilt. I'm scared of being found out. Have people suspected? I'm sure my husband wonders what's happened to me. Why am I always checking my email, etc. Will people find out?

My god, its as though someone has given me a pair of glasses and I can see clearly. I am so sorry for what I have done. Somehow I feel I wouldn't have got to this point without the NC I've had recently from OM. It really allows you perspective.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: crystal_clr
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:43am
Crystal, now ALL you have to do is make up your mind that you're gonna get it right, once and for all. It's very difficult because you have to fight between what is right and what feels good at the time. But you see, you're just beginning to realize the importance of making good decisions and having the behavior follow along. You have to let your heart be your guide to do what is right, not to give into the "feelings" you've created in this affair. The thing is we think we are somehow going to lose all those feelings for that person and they will for us, but not so. Not if you let it go now. If your A is discovered, then it could end up being a hateful situation and I don't believe for one second you want that.

As for staying in your marriage, only you can determine what is best for you there. But you can't do it when you lean on OM to make you feel better rather than facing the issues - ALL OF THEM at home. I am praying for you. Let yourself continue to see the light and watch how much more relief you will feel.

Hugs to you.