remind me again why friendship is out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
remind me again why friendship is out?
8
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 9:47pm

hey guys,
i know i can never be friends with my xAP. i know it with every neuron in my brain. but in my heart, i'm waffling.

he's constantly emailing me, telling me he misses me, and that its downright cold for me to "cut him off", that you just "dont treat people like that" and that he wants nothing from me except to know that once in a while we might be able to chat or get together.

i know that for him, friendship is his way of holding on to me bc he cant deal with losing me. he's settling for friendship when he really wants more. but at the same time, his comments about my cutting him off being so cold given all we've gone through really stings--isn't he right? isn't it horrible to cut somebody out of your life after sharing so much physical and emotional intimacy for months and months?

i like my APs personality. i think he's funny and clever. i'd like to be able to know him in some way. i feel that right now, i cant, bc i need to get over him, but i'd love to think that months or years from now, we could reconnect, and maybe be friends.

so, yea, i know this is all wrong and very dangerous thinking. dont yell at me for being stupid, bc i know it. but please remind me why friendship is impossible. have any of you tried and failed? is NC forever and ever REALLY the only way? and if so, how do i process the guilt of AP making me feel like i'm horrible for cutting him off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 11:18pm

Hi E82


No, No, NO,


Take it from me, 3 times (maybe more)

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 11:38pm

Here is a post that may help:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=27889.21&x=y


Your xAP doesn’t understand what you are doing will help him heal too. He will realize it in time. For him to move on, he needs to let go too. You are not being mean or rude. Only doing what is necessary for both of you to move on.


Much love and big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 10:39am

thanks guys. i know you are right. i also realizing that being friends because i feel guilty is really no reason to be friends.

the problem is just that he emails me multiple times a day, anm although i have his email set up to go directly to the trash, i'll log in and see i have 8 new trash msgs and can't help but check them (i know...i know...) so i see how desperately he is trying to beg me to stay in his life, and i feel a mixture of disgust for his lack of self respect as well as pity for how lonely he must be. these are no bases for friendship, i know, but it leaves it on my mind constantly.

how do i stay strong when he's so obsessively trying to hold on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 11:00am

Hi Ex -

<<>>

Is there a reason you can't change your email address? If you can't, you have to STOP reading the messages in your trash.

You have to constantly remind yourself that you don't want a relationship with him. He's a big boy and has to deal with his own life. My XAP is still driving by - he did yesterday. I have a lot of moments where I remember the "good" things and start checking into fantasy land. Then I get b-tch slapped into reality - like this morning. I went for my run and XAP's wife passed me in his car. She wasn't stalking me like he does, she was simply driving her husband's car. Thank God I was running - the emotions flashed through me very quickly. I could hear all my EAS sister's advice. First it hurt like hell. Then I heard Dee's dad's quote about revenge and two coffins. I was mad and wanted revenge - wanted him to see some man driving my car. How dare he drive by my house and invade my life and then let his W drive his car? Then I rationally thought, of course she can drive his car.

Let it go.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 12:46pm

<>

thats what i need to remember. he doesn't "need" me. he's makijg himself into a pathetic victim, which he isn't. he needs to pull him self up by the bootstraps just like im trying to do. i dont need to take care of him, or lessen the blow of the end.

your feedback is always so great bc i remind myself that you deal with AP driving by your house, potentially running into him and his W, and all i get is e-stalked. i should manage this; you're doin it, i can too. thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 12:59pm

<(i know...i know...) >>


If you already know this, then do you also know that reading those emails is breaking contact? This is in the HL, which for some,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 1:57pm

"the problem is just that he emails me multiple times a day, anm although i have his email set up to go directly to the trash, i'll log in and see i have 8 new trash msgs and CAN"T HELP BUT CHECK THEM (i know...i know..."

Because you are still addicted to him. It took me a long time to just admit that i was getting so much ego stroking outta all these messages being sent to me that would go un-responded to. I used them (and him unknowingly) to 'ease' into NC - no such thing.

It is clearly breaking NC and it is much more about our fear to finally let go, than any excuse about being unable to leave them unread or you just feel so bad.

You have a choice. You are choosing to engage even if it is 'just' reading.

I say this, because i have btdt.

It is all about our choices now, no excuses.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 4:22pm

The other posters have all provided great information, so my post serves nothing more than to reinforce theirs. All my EAS buddies know it took me three attempts to finally end my A once and for all. The reason? The friendship thing. I work with my XAP. We were best friends. We were soulmates. At least I thought so. The first two times I tried to end it my XAP would also hit me with the "friendship" thing. I felt absolutely terrible ignoring his attempts to reach out to me. He told me how much it hurt him and how rude and selfish I was. This is something I've never done to anyone, but somehow I found a way to do it to my best friend?? I still feel bad about it at times, but I keep telling myself this is what I had to do in order to get my life and myself back. The toughest part is that I have to see him almost every day.

But each day gets a little better.

NC=no new hurts.

CSN