Remind me again why it had to end...
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Remind me again why it had to end...
| Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:21am |
Hi all
Think I have the "Week 3' jitters (is there such a thing?).
| Mon, 09-27-2010 - 12:21am |
Hi all
Think I have the "Week 3' jitters (is there such a thing?).
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Iggy,
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
You asked why:
YOU know he would continue in a very crude FWB arrangement.
YOU didnt actually have areal friendship,you were always trying to seem light and flirty, putting up with him droning about his life and his woes
YOU never wanted to share any of your personal 'woes' because he was very judgemental and say himself as better than others.
HE had no time for YOU.
YOU were relegated behind everything else in his life whilst YOU prioritised him above everything!
YOU lost your priorities big time!
YOU waited for every call, was crushed when it was a short platonic text, devestated when he didnt contact YOU at all, or cancelled your many plans.
So... Friendship? Nope!
Great sex? Nope!
Attention and flattery? Nope!
WHY are YOU wishing YOU were still one of his useless possessions that sits on his shelf waiting for his attention?
THIS IS THE QUESTION THAT NEEDS ANSWERING! The question of why it needed to end has obvious, simple answers: it was an affair Iggy. Let go. Release it. It is over. Time to move on. Make that the choice - look forward & inward. Backwards and outside isn't what needs your attention.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
<
So why am I wishing I was still one of his useless possessions that sit on his shelf waiting for his attention? Im not sure what I miss! But I miss!!!!!>>
TU nailed it!
In some ways he made you feel good and I bet that is what you are missing. You are not missing the him (the real him) that made you feel unworthy. Keep reminding yourself what you just wrote - no real friendship, no great sex, no real attention or flattery. What was left, what was real? So was it what was in your own mind, your own making? It was a fantasy in your own world, not his? You are missing the crumbs he threw your way, only when he was doing the throwing you couldn't see it was just crumbs. BTDT!! The crumbs fed you so much, but crumbs can't nourish.
As TU said, move on. I know hard. Take back yourself, take back your own personal power. This has to be my soapbox if I ever had one here on EAS !! I hurt for any poster that accepted crumbs as the real deal, because I went through it. Be better than the person who thinks so little of them self that this kind of attention is what you risk so much for. This is hard to see when you are fogged in and can't see the affair for what it is. And when you do finally see it, dang, it hurts we accepted so little. Take back your "self", grow your power, be a woman of dignity and respect. Have to say, when I finally got that, my self worth grew and I changed so much.
Iggy, I could have written your post today and, sadly, I
Iggy,
<<>>
You have entered the "bargaining" phase of grief. Anything is better than nothing, you are thinking, and this is your junky mind playing tricks on you.
<>
Yep, and this is not going to ever change either, so don't go there. Never make someone a prioirty who only makes you an option. As an OW, that is what we did, and looking back on it now I was acting shameful and desperate. These qualities are not attractive and in the long run make us look pretty darn needy/pathetic. Men aren't
~Iddy~
hey Iggy,
Im back!... It's amazing how the end of our A's were synched almost exactly. Remember over on MAS, all the anxiety we had because we NEVER knew what was going on with them? I'm in the same place as you, wondering if I was too demanding...feeling like I forced the ending and was hoping against hope that somewhere somehow in the weeks that we were ending it that he would just figure out how to make it work. I couldn't and still can't understand how he just let it go! It was so fun, we DID have some good times and for a while he and I were both happy with things like they were when it used to be easy. But Iggy, it stopped and there's nothing you and I could have done about it. Not like we didn't try though! I wore myself out emotionally trying to figure out what he needed from day to day. A therapist? A lover? A friend? A punching bag? WHAT WHAT WHAT? I never knew! We were always NC on the weekends. So every Monday was a crap shoot. My stomach would always hurt. Did he have a good weekend? Is he going to call or is he in a bad mood so he won't call me? Is he going to make plans to see me this week? WIll it be lunch? Or hotel? Will he cancel.? WIll they have a big fight before? Will she post some sappy crap on facebook about their sweet family? Ugh, I don't miss that!!!!
You know what? In our last tear fest talk, just before we hung up for the last time he offered to "get together" for one last time! Just like yours did! I haven't told anyone that! I couldn't believe it! Of course I said no thanks but wow! He told me all about how guilty he felt all the time, and how confused he was about what to do about "us" while he was trying to decide wether or not to stay with his wife. That he need to give 100% for at least a month but oh yeah..blah blah blah BUT.he was sure to get in one more lay before he did. That would have really broken my heart!! And yours too I'm sure had you given in.
Bottom line... we were going all the work you and I. It's over on MAS, read it over and over to remind yourself how miserable it was and how OVER it really was. Just imagine what you would be getting into if you called him now. I have 3 scenarios that could happen if I broke NC just to find out what he how he was doing...
1) he immensely happy and so relieved to be free of our A. Marriage has made a quick turn... around all love and roses now. Crazy married sex. (doubtful and would literally kill me)
2)he's in the same cycle of misery as always. Fighting, not speaking to the W for days on end. Totally bummed but will always be conned into giving it one more shot. Continuing to be the chronic sad sack he has been for the last six months. Fun Fun! (most likely)
3) he's finally decided to leave. It's a messy, ugly situation. He feels like a failure, a terrible Dad. A bad husband. Dealing with the "what will they say down at the club" and all the gossip and turmoil that his leaving causes. Ugh...no making him happy there either. (somewhat likely...enter me to what? cleanup? get caught with him and suffer the wrath of W? oy..no way!)
Not trying to make this post about me but I think you get the idea...let's just let them go and be glad that we got out so "easy", meaning no stalking, no d-day. OK? Don't bail on me!!!!LOL!
Chechi :)
Hello everyone- every beautiful EASer!!!
Thank you SOOOOO much for supporting me. I honestly dont know where Id be without you all- THANKYOU!
Yes Iddy I am definately in 'bargaining' mode. Thats exactly what it is. I was thinking this today actually- why am I now thinking that i could and should have put up with it? Why all of a sudden am I willing to lower myself (yet again) and be whatever he wants me to be.
I came so disgustingly close to breaking NC today. I didnt. But I was crafting texts in my head all day. Honestly I was on the brink of saying to him 'I made a mistake, I want you back'.
But to what end?
Oh, I really needed to read these words this morning! I am Day 24 NC and thought I got past the bargaining stage but feel myself slipping back to it. I HATE the bargaining stage. I think this is where we are most vulnerable. Gotta keep hanging on...
~alwayst2
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