Remind me please
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Remind me please
| Tue, 07-06-2010 - 9:16am |
As for all of us, there is a big part of this that is an addiction for me. Like craving a cigarette during certain parts of the day for a person quitting smoking, I'm at a very weak moment right now.
I knew it - I've prepared myself for it. XAP is back to work, down the street. We talked every morning before work. We talked off and on all day long during work. My mouth is dry. My anxiety is through the roof. I am reminding myself over and over that I want a real relationship. That he doesn't deserve me, etc. But right now it's just too empty and silent here right now. I won't pick up the phone. Just remind me that this hell is better than what I've been going through. Thank you!
Bodhi

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Think about last week he was curled up with his W in a hotel room. He took her on vacation, right? I'm sure they laughed and had fun together and now he is back and ready to start stringing you along again. He knows that you are salivating and wanting him because you have always kept yourself as a secret in his life. You have always stroked his ego and stayed hidden from his real life. He wants his toy back and you are it. Is that what you really want? I really don't think (from reading your posts) that you have to settle for some MM. You wrote about your children and your full life on other posts. You wrote about how happy other parts of your life is. You sound like an amazing, smart woman and any AVAILABLE man would be happy to have someone like you in it. MM is going to fill your life with drama, false promises and lies for as long as you let him. Why are you afraid to allow someone to love you honestly? Why are you afraid to not be hidden but be loved by someone who isn't going home to someone else? Why? I promise you that there is nothing better than having a man stare at you from accross the room with that twinkle in his eyes that says you are the ONLY woman for me. It is so wonderful to have your man not hide you but show the world you are his and he is yours. If you force yourself to get past these times of missing another woman's H, I promise you that you will invite true love into your life one day. It's wonderful not to have to share a man with another woman and no addiction feels better than that.
You can do it. If you don't do it, think about the consequences. Another seven years of hiding out in his life.
Bodhi,
You're off to a good start, actually. You've labeled correctly that your feelings are an addiction. That is spot on. Instead of being soft and wallowing in the feeling of missing your drama (I won't call it a 'high'), get mad and determine that you and your life will NOT be controlled by an addiction. YOU are in control. YOU determine your path, not this addiction - which will wither and die from lack of nurturing in due time. You came here instead of emailing X, so you obviously are thinking straight, in spite of your pain. Good Girl!!!
You can do this; I have faith in you.
Dee
One of my favorite sayings in times like this is: suffer the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
What you are feeling will pass. This is your first big test- and WHEN you pass it, each subsequent test will be a bit easier.
You can do this girl. I know you can!
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thanks Dee :) I am trying very hard right now to hang onto the determination. I keep repeating I'm in control, I'm in control. I do NOT want him controlling my life anymore. Thank goodness I'm self employed and can leave for a bit if I need to - I'm feeling like that might be a good idea. I have so much respect for those of you who have to deal with all the other aspects of this - husbands at home, and holy cow - working with the XAP.
Bodhi
Thank you Jane - that's a great saying. I'm focused on doing whatever I can to get to noon right now. I know you're right that the feeling will pass. I have to keep reminding myself that I was fine over the weekend and even this morning as I got ready for work and NOTHING is different. Maybe I'll pretend he's still on the beach with his W.....
Breathe.
Bodhi
Why -
You asked some great questions. Thank you for reminding me of the vacation - I needed that visual to get mad enough to keep going. NO, I do not want to be his toy. You are right, I don't need to settle for this. I am an amazing woman. I am smart, funny, cute, fit, etc. And I'm probably one of the most "eligible" woman in our small town. But my self esteem has been almost non existent. I have learned so much about myself over the past 7.5 years, and one good thing has been humility. Previously, I had confidence and then some. I think that's one of the things that attracted MM to me. I can swim with the big fish - hold my own with men. Plus, I'm small and cute. This experience has humbled me. I need to get the confidence back that I used to have - without the borderline cockiness. :)
<<>>
Really good question. Right now, I have to get XAP's hooks out of me so I won't feel like I'm doing something wrong. I thought he would/did love me honestly - I thought all the things we all did. That he was the man. That it was real. I know that I have to get over the commitment I feel for him. I'm afraid.
I'm going to think deeper on your question.
I do want true love in my life. I don't want another woman's problem husband. And NO, I don't want one more day of hiding, let alone 7 more years.
I'm feeling a little better right now. Thank you all SO much.
Bodhi
How
Babysteps
...even if it is all I can do, I can take one babystep.
NC/LC since May 21, 2010
That means a lot Babysteps :)
Officially this is day 10. I stopped talking to him a little over 2 weeks ago when he left on vacation with his W. But I just disappeared because I was scared to say "don't call me". It didn't work, and I got the courage on the 27th.
My goal was to make it to noon - now I'm going to shoot for 3:30, then I am going to leave and go to yoga or run.
Thank you so much -
Bodhi
This 1st week will be the toughest, but once you see that you made it through unscathed, next week will be easier and so on and so forth. You just have to get through this one.....as it will set precedence over future behavior, so
~Iddy~
It's harder than I thought it was going to be. I don't know why his geographical location makes a difference! Even though he was around last week, I guess it was different because he wasn't at work. As much resolve as I have stored up over the the past 2 weeks, it still doesn't seem like enough.
You're right about continuing to change my routine - that worked well last week.
Thank you Iddy :)
Bodhi
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