Repost -would like to know some thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Repost -would like to know some thoughts
15
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:47pm
on this - I am struggling with whether or not to send the letter or maybe I should wait a month because it has only been barely a month since NC and him and his wife entering therapy:


I am writing this letter and thinking to myself - that ya know this is all

stuff he should know already. He knows everything he said to me, he knows he hurt me, he knows what a needy person he was (maybe) and how much I gave him, he knows all those special times we spent together and that I listened to and believed every word he said to me. Why do I really have to tell him that I am hurt, that he lied to me, that it is not ok to play someones emotions like that, that despite both of our blame in this situation that he really turned out to be a selfish coward - he should know all this. Let him go to his counseling with the W, let him profess his undenying love to her - she has believed it for 15 years and she can keep on believing it. He is suffering more answering to her and his children and he should,let her deal with the coward with no balls and his tail between his legs, let him think I forgot about him and that I don't care and that I am moving on - because I AM. BUT ANOTHER PART OF ME wants my hurt to be heard and my final words heard - ....But god help that man should he ever ever think I would let him be my friend again.

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Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:02pm
Hi Lyssa......... What do you think will be the BEST thing he would or could say should you send him the letter?

That he's sorry for hurting you and that he's sorry for the way things worked out. PERIOD! If the letter could change the situation, I'd say send it but you know it won't change anything. Heck, you can send it to me or any one of us here and we'd all tell you we're sorry he hurt you.

Letting go sucks! But the good thing about letting go is that once we do, we're able to move forward with our own lives. That IS what you, me and all of us need to concentrate on.

Write and rewrite that letter and then have a burning ceremony to let it, him and the past go!

Good Luck and stay focused on your future.

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:49pm
well lyssa here goes my thoughts...it hurts deeply to be rejected. i am still wondering how can i think about this BO-ZO so much every day. i sometimes wonder if he even lies in bed in the dark (when W can't look at him and try to read his mind) and cry tears in the dark knowing that he and i will never be "we" again. we got into an argument once and i asked him how could he not have enough respect for me to call me when he said he would? i then stopped being angry and said to him "RESPECT! boy, if that ain't a joke...how can you respect me when i don't even respect myself...here i am sleeping with a married man!!!" we got used lyssa thinking with our hearts and there is nothing we can do but pray hard and heal.

as for CLOSURE...we may not get that. in the dictionary AFFAIR means incident; occurence; episode; occasion. that in itself means something that was brief or maybe just passing thru our life. it is not anything that has eternity, lasting or a beginning and ending. i am working on my own closure. so the jerk didn't have the balls to end it with kind words after all i was or thought i was to him. he probably would have lied thru his speech anyway.

thank GOD for this board that we can vent, support and be there for each other. we may be a bunch from the yakie-yak sister-hood..not quite the ya-ya sisterhood but try to put yourself first. go to the gym (i am proud of you for taking those steps)

i may not be too clear explaining my thoughts and i hope other ladies out there give more sound advice and thoughts to help you thru this....one day at a time and he ain't worth it (maybe not worth the darn 37 cents stamp)....huggs to ya....rain

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:57pm
Do what is best for you, Lyssa. If it's going to help you to send the letter, then send it. Just be prepared not to hear anything. Or to hear something you don't like. We all come to closure in our own way. I felt I had written the MM enough letters, so I didn't need to send him another one.

I did send him a couple of messages about a week ago, and he didn't respond. I'm not sure he got them, and I don't really care. I just needed to do it for myself. He reached out with a simple hi, and I didn't respond directly. The world didn't end, and I'm not back with him.

So I think I'm kind of disagreeing with the other two posters in that I think if you really want to send it you should go ahead and do that. I think you're pretty clear about not wanting to be in this A anymore so that no matter how he responds you will stick with that.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:02pm
good idea sherry! and true!!

i kept a diary from the first day i met MM and i think i wrote more of the bad stuff rather than the good stuff. i keep it next to my bed at night and sometimes when i get really to missing him and boo-hooing i read about when he didn't call, or cancelled dinner etc. etc . i think writing does help the mind.

hopefully one day i can read all those years back and say "what a total jerk he was!"....take care...rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:21pm
Lyssa, Lyssa, Lyssa.......

This is called real LIFE here honey.You played..you LOST.

The man SHOULD have been bonding with his wife and kids..thats what a married man SHOULD have been doing and though he DIDNT..how can ANYONE know if he wont change in counseling and become a new man? You went in this eyes wide OPEN honey..he was a middle aged man...had a mid life crisis..and those are so common as to be the brunt of Late Night tv Jokes......and he finds he wants his wife and FAMILY.

There is NO reason to send this man a letter...why?

he is TELLING you with his FEET where he wants to be, he has the RIGHT to stay where he wishes..and if he can make it work..its his BUSINESS now not yours EVER again.

EVER.

If he falls off a truck? NOT your business.

If he gets the flu? Its NOT your business.

If he is in a marriage where he is ECSTATIC..NOT your business.

If he is in one where it sucks like a vacuum sweeper and he is MISREABLE..it is NOT your BUSINESS.

His wife has given you FAIR warning she isplaying HARDBALL and is out to KEEP her family. Whatever HER reasons are its THEIR business.

I dont want to be harsh here....I DO want to be STRAIGHT and Im going to say this staright. I dont want you rehashing this stuff for months and months and reliving this like digging up a corpse so you can piss on it okay?

Big sister to little sister.

Lyssa..you have come a LONGGGGGGG way here.You believed an older man who was in a crisis and you were his lifeboat while there was a storm IN his life.BUT..he has a history with his WIFE..children( and unless you HAVE them you dont understand the tie and deep BOND of father and kids)...and his VIEW of himself.When he sees you he is REMINDED that he did some pretty smarmy adolescent stuff. When a person is in a crisis..ANY rope will be grabbed..and you will do what it TAKES to keep the rope around your waist till you are pulled to shore.

His WIFE pulled him to shore.

He realized SHE is what he wants.

Period.CASE closed. Thats the bottom line.

He may or may NOT have meant EVERYTHING he said WHEN he was with you..men have been known to reveal state secrets when in the bed..BUT..it was a WRONG relationship from the very beginning. WRONG, not inconvenient.And when you DANCE to the music you WILL pay the band.YOU are paying NOW.

Sending this man a letter will make you look RIDICULOUS and like EVERYTHING the wife and he said ABOUT you was TRUE..you are OBSESSED with him.

You may find it can be used to get a SERIOUS restraining order AGAINST you iof you do NOT leave this man ALONE.

Get it?

ALONE.

It is not one BIT anymore about how you FEEL..it is ALL about how HE feels andSHE feels and they want you OUT of the darn picture.

You can WRITE the letter....rewrite it..write it 50 times....but dont SEND it.

Burn it, piss on it and flush it..bring it here..whatever..but dont SEND it.

It is TIME....BIGTIME time...to make every OUNCE of effort to STOP hurting yourself. You have done TREMENDOUSLY well with NC..more need to take your efforts and apply it too....BUT...the OBSESSING has to quit..and you shouldnt send it.Thats my take.

If you want to llok like a FOOL? Send it..a college aged girl who isnt getting a grip on LIFE...if you want to look like a woman who made a screw up..learned from it..is moving on..and wants to heal and not GET into this mess again..DONT send it.

Your SELF esteem will go UP..and sending it while you wait for his RESPONSE will make it go down.Its your call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:22pm
I suppose that is what I would want to hear and that is what I got the first time. I am stupid for having let him back in as friend. I got burned worse the 2nd time, as I suppose it was a continuation of the affair as a "secret friendship". He apologized to death in January when his wife found out, he showed up everywhere I went after that wanting to talk to me, telling me he missed me, telling me about these list he made about everything he loved about me and everything he wished he and I could of done together, he cried, he called, and wanted to talk. It ended the week after V-Day with me not showing up to meet him (I didn't show because I realized my heart was breaking worse and could not continue the relationship without it being a real one) Well he called all angry at me for not showing, ofcourse I did not tell him why, he told me he needed to talk and that he moved out of his house and then I never heard from him. Apparantly his wife had his phone tapped, his email password and had a PI following him. He freaked when presented with all the "evidence" of continuing to see me and apparantly agreed to NC and counseling. His W said some Nasty things to my friend, which prompted me to call him and tell him (in a message) what I thought of him(coward)and how I deserved at least a phone call. Well he called a few hours later and told me he could not be my friend anymore. I was numb by the time he called and actually said not a thing - nothing - I think I was in some kind of a state of shock. Since then - nothing but the SNUB a few days ago and I ran into his friend who told me that I was the first person xmm ever fell in love with, that he married his W beause he thought (back then) that it was time to get married and that he told xmm not to move back home but take the time to think about what he wants but xmm freaked and ran home and is agreeing to everything W says including counseling, and W is trying to be the perfect little W and that since she is 15 years older than me she is very threatened by me and asked xmm to never ever speak to me again. And that xmm refuses to discuss me with his friend since he started counseling and that is that. But I guess I feel I never got to say what I wanted good or bad. I guess I feel I was a bit mean in the end with that message. Just regretting a lot I guess - but I have to let it go - THANKS FOR LISTENING

Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:22pm
God only knows how many letters I've sent to him. Letters trying to clue him in to how I was feeling, trying to sort through things, then waiting for a response in kind that never came.

That's the key phrase, waiting for a response. As long as there was a need to hear from him the affair wasn't over because he still had my attention.

He got the last letter this morning, basically saying AGAIN that it was over, that I wasn't interested in being his playmate, and that it was too damaging to me. But this time I really didn't care what he thought about it or if he responded because after all this time I know he won't say anything of substance. His closure was physical, I needed something emotional. The old Mars/Venus thing in action. I might as well be speaking Japanese and him speaking Spanish.

So if it won't keep you on the edge of your seat waiting for a response or keep you pounding on the door for a different response then fire away!

But it's all about you now, not him. Do what's best for you. If you just need to clear the air with no expectations then go for it! Just don't expect much. After all, he's just a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:32pm
Agreed Awiagina and that is the last thing I want to look like - an obsessed fool. It just seems as though he is somehow getting off as the "good" person in this scenario - its ok for him to tell me he wants a future with me one day and then have him and wifey gang up on me the next. I find him immature and weak and not owning up to his mistakes. HE PURSUES ME AND I AM THE OBSESSED ONE because he freaks when wifey scares the crap out him with the PI evidence? not fair ....but I guess it wasn't fair to anyone to begin with especially his wife. I got no respect but I guess I wasn't respecting myself to begin with to get into the situation no matter how many times I said NO first.

Thanks for the reality check.

Lyssa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:33pm
Thanks rain - you are a sweetheart and I am glad you are on this board, thanks for your kind words and you are right - I'll save the stamp!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:35pm
Thanks iamdelightful - you are sweet. I think I am going to hold off though - as much as I say I do not want a response and that is the end I think I may be bothered more if I don't get one. I think I need to start moving forward again, I was doing well and then got trapped in this emotional upheavel again. Take care - I am glad you are doing well.

Lyssa

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