rereading

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
rereading
12
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 7:50am

This morning I went back to my original post on June 17 and reread all my posts and everyone's responses. It was 5 weeks ago that XAP left on vacation with his W and I ended it. Today starts week 3 of solid NC. I have felt better and people have commented on my progress, but it wasn't until I went back and read everything that I felt it. Someone posted early on to look at your own posts from an outsider's point of view. I would also recommend for everyone to go back and read their early posts. My feelings are still raw, I'm still scared to be single and I am still struggling to let go of the choke hold XAP has over me. He was so controlling and I was so committed to him. Iddy said in one response to repeat: "I am free to do whatever I want to do. No one has control over me." I'm working on this. I'm also reminding myself that no matter what, contacting XAP is not an option. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for getting me to the point I am right now. I can't believe it took me so long to get here.

Bodhi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:23am

Actually, Bodhi, you've made huge strides and very quickly. You should be very proud of your progress.

Your advice to reread ones old posts is a good, and advice that I've given a lot. Not only go back and read your own old posts, but reread the entire board! One's perspective shifts over time and one will read an old post in an entirely different light after one has been out of an A for a while. The fog is so thick in the beginning that only the laser beams penetrate it; a few weeks or months down the road, the more subtle and gentle light will shine through, too.

Bodhi, you're doing so well but I just want to remind you that it's ok to medium-well or even not-so-well; there's no shame in 'having a hard time', as long as we just keep plugging along. If you notice that you're stalling out a little, don't get discouraged! ok?

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:41am

Dee -

I've had to be strong my whole life, so thank you for your reminder that there is no shame in having a hard time. I can still hear my dad yelling "dry up" when I would cry :(

I struggled on and off yesterday after seeing XAP's wife driving his car. The visual kept popping up and it hurt a lot and I had to keep reminding myself of my goal and I got past it. There is just so much to sort out. Thank you Dee :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:48am

I am so proud of you, Bodhi. I know the last few weeks have not been easy. Actually they will be remembered as the hardest part of this whole journey. It's always so very difficult to take that first step. Remember your babies when they first learned how to walk? They would fall, get frustrated, put it off a few day, and then try again. But those determined little souls wouldn't give up. I remember the look on my first son's cute little face when he stood up and walked across the LR. He was so surprised that he actually did it, and then came the claps and cheers from those of us watching. That shy little smile

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 10:03am

(((Iddy))))

I'm crying right now. I expect so much from myself and picturing my kids learning to walk is such a neat memory too. It's coming clear that a lot of what I'm feeling not wanting to fail and not being "good enough" for his real life. I emailed you this morning too - even though I know I shouldn't focus on XAP I want your thoughts to process him.

<<>>

I don't know what I would do without all of you right now. The image of the closet is great - I will use that too. I've always felt like was cute little eye candy.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 11:32am

Bodhi,

<< I can't believe it took me so long to get here.>>

Doesn't matter how long, the bend result is that you are here! Way to go, you can make it, we all know you are strong. So proud of you! Hang in there!

TAKE CARE OF YOU!

MO

MovingON

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 12:53pm

Dear Bodhi!

You are amazing woman (-:

I have kept a file of all my early posts to do just what you are suggesting ... it is so powerful to look back on 'yourself' from a different time. It is one way to evaluate where you need to still do work while recognizing how far we do travel in relatively short periods of time.

Keep being amazing,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:47pm

MO -

<<>>

I agree - and so glad that I'm here. Thank you :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 1:50pm

Thank you TU :) I can't wait to get my Tweener wings like you. And I want to be somewhere like Paris when I get them too. I hope you had an amazing trip.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 6:54pm

((Bodhi))


You ARE amazing! I do hope you know that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:03pm

Thank you DAB :)

<<>>

Most definitely not. I'm really trying to keep my head in reality, even though reality stinks sometimes. And you are SO right, no amount of good would be worth going back. And we didn't have a whole lotta good for years.

Congrats on your new home! That is very exciting. I'm guessing there's a good chance I'd need a plane ticket to some help you move - but I'll be there in spirit! Let me know when you're moved in and we'll do a virtual toast.

Bodhi

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