Resetting the clock

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2010
Resetting the clock
12
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:59am

I broke NC, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but i responded to XAP's fishing (knowingly). I'm not going to get into detail because i'm shaking right now and feel nauseous. Just wanted to come to the only place i can turn to, to feel safe, and most importantly hold myself accountable. Oh God, why, why why did i ever have an A? i don't deserve my beautiful children, i don't deserve my H, i am a lowlife, i

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 2:22am
V888 don't say those things. You are strong beautiful and your writing always inspires me! I'll smack your butt if you put yourself down.

I'm sure you will share details when and if you feel comfortable doing that. But know that we all made mistakes, having the A, breaking NC, responding to fishing attempts- you name it and we have collectively done it.

What makes us survivors is how quickly we realise that we fugged up and how fast we brush ourselves off to start again,

Big breath sweetheart. We are here for you to brush you off, sit you on your bike again and help you power on !!!

Iggy
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 3:59am
Vanessa, honey, you might have made a dumb decision but that doesn't change the fact that you are a smart and kind and caring woman and a wonderful mother for your kids. Big hugs.

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 5:08am
Vanessa, dont put yourself down like that honey we are human we all make mistakes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 6:22am

V~

Sorry you fell down that slippery slope. You have to wear the right shoes when sludging through that muck.....

So pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and next time grab yourself a V888. Healthy choices, remember?

((Hugs))

Edited to add: Putting yourself down keeps you down. Stop doing that to yourself, okay?

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 6:29am

(((Vanessa)))

I know how much you are hurting. Breaking NC hurt you in a couple ways: it tore open that scab of "feelings" for xMM and it also caused disappointed in

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 10:00am

V888,

Remember that negative self-talk tears us down and makes us think that we _deserve_ negativity and dysfunction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 11:12am

OMG. VANESSA.

VANESSA.

#1. regardless of breaking NC which we'll get to LATER.

STOP BEATING UP ON YOURSELF. STOP. THIS IS WHAT THE CYCLE IS ALLLLLL ABOUT HONEY.

Its the very act of SELF LOATHING that keeps us more PRONE to breaking contact again.

While, I GET your feelings whole heartedly.....And have felt them too - It just doesnt HELP you STAY ON COURSE.

You MUST understand WHAT TRIGGERED YOU.

WHAT came right before you said, OK...Ima cave?

WHAT COULDNT YOU HANDLE?

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 11:17am

PS.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 12:02pm

(((Vanessa))) you will get through this low moment, you really will. But one piece of advice I can give you is, despite how much you want to move past it, try to REMEMBER this feeling. How degraded and ashamed and empty you feel after breaking NC. No "loving" relationship should ever make you feel this way. And just consider that it was the temptation of GOOD feelings that led you here...was it worth it?

One of my biggest struggles in maintaining NC has always been that my mind WANTS me to remember the good feelings that used to come from my A, so that's what has always gotten the better of me--the memory of good times. But if you force yourself to remember just how terrible and small the A can make you feel, like right now, maybe you will be less likely to cave to your exAP's next fishing attempts. I hope this helps :)

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:07pm

HUGS to you Vanessa,

Please know you are a special person...it is great you come here to post and please continue.

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