Resetting the clock
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Resetting the clock
| Wed, 03-02-2011 - 1:59am |
I broke NC, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but i responded to XAP's fishing (knowingly). I'm not going to get into detail because i'm shaking right now and feel nauseous. Just wanted to come to the only place i can turn to, to feel safe, and most importantly hold myself accountable. Oh God, why, why why did i ever have an A? i don't deserve my beautiful children, i don't deserve my H, i am a lowlife, i

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Vanessa hang in there yes!
Thank you for picking me up from the ground, because that's exactly where i was, right there amongst the muck, feeling all those horrible emotions again. I thought i was going well, i thought he moved on and gave up with my no responses.
I just don't understand why i would respond!
I am more informed now of my destructive year long A behaviour, I'm out of the haze, to date i have dodged the dday bullet, i am fully aware now that i am just one response away from changing my life, my H's life, and my children's lives forever. Then why would i respond? I don't love my XAP, yes we always exchanged ILYs when we were together, but i didn't truly love him, i loved him feeding my ego, that's what i loved, and vice-versa, that's all that BS was, i would never and never intended to leave my wonderful H for him, XAP could not be half the man he is, and not someone i would date with if i was single.
I am loathing myself because right at this point in time, i have people in my life who are struggling for their lives, struggling to find a partner, struggling to conceive and i have ALL of this, my health, my husband, and my children and yet i put myself in a position to jeopardise all that.
There is simply no way in this world that i will return to that A BS anymore, because that is exactly what it is just BS. I need lots of T, i know that.
Thank you for being there for me.
V888
xxxxx
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