Resisting the urge...
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Resisting the urge...
| Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:18pm |
Day 14 NC. Struggling very badly today. It's a milestone sort of day because the last 2
| Tue, 02-09-2010 - 4:18pm |
Day 14 NC. Struggling very badly today. It's a milestone sort of day because the last 2
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LFT,
I swear I could have written the same post!
IMEP-
I have been meaning to reach out to you a few times...I've been reading your posts and we have been at exactly the same point here all along. Same days NC, same feelings...I will respond more tomorrow morning. I have to leave the office now and can't be on this site at home. But I want to write more to you. We are going through the same emotions...are you married? I wasn't sure. I am and it's not great. But not terrible either. Be back tomorrow....thanks!!
Yep, I'm M and my M is about the same.
Hi LFT,
You mentioned that your xAP is starting a new family and you have also mentioned that alone has lead you to end the A as you cannot bear the thought.
One question you had is that you wonder if he is missing you. I will answer that but first would like you to think back when you and your H were planning your life and family together. What were you and your H focused on? I’m sure your xAP is focused on the same things. I’m sure when xAP is not focused on that he is missing you. He misses having someone on the sidelines to cheer him on. He misses having someone around to fill in the gap for the hour or so that his wife may not be available or when he is having a slow day at work. He misses sneaking around behind his wife’s back to correspond with you.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Me too--miss the banter, the flirting, the connection, the highs, the ego stroking.
"I find myself wondering if I will ever feel happy again.
I'm in a funky mood, and that's nothing new. Y'all know me well enough. I'm going to risk this post:
I live in Sunny SoCal. When I moved out here from a place where I grew up with dramatic seasonal changes, I missed the seasons sooo much. It was 80 degrees here on my first Thanksgiving and I cried because Thanksgiving is _supposed_ to be chilly and crisp! I've been here for 20+ years. Nowadays, it dips into the 50s and I am all "whoooo!whooo! it's WINTER!" and... it rains every once in a while and I'm all, like, "oooooooh, it's soooo dramatic and exciting!" Lord forbid we get more than two inches of rain, because then the local news stations all go on (insert dramatic music) STORM WATCH 2010 -- and then all the drivers go nuts and sometimes the schools close.
I read in a sex advice column (yes, I read that and I NEED it, ha!) that women who use a vibrator too much can become unable to achieve orgasm through intercourse or manual masterbation unless they re-train their no-no girly parts to respond to more gentle stimulation. The retraining requires NC from Monsieur Vibrator for a while, and a hell of a lot of patience and, I would guess, desperation, wine, and a movie with bodice ripping and six-pack abs. But I digress.
I had another story to illustrate my point, but I got lost in thoughts of Hugh Jackman and how good I'd look in a tattered bodice. Anyway, I DID have a point. I mean, I DO have a point.
Does anyone get it?
I think we in As, coming off of As, know how it feels to be amped the f UP, right? It's like we're turned up to 11! (Spinal Tap, youngsters. Look it up.) We have to retrain our minds, bodies, souls to be content, thrilled, enlivened with the wonders and joys of a more gentle and peaceful life.
I am three months post-A and I felt in the beginning the most overwhelming sense of mourning over the loss of passion in my life and the dread of a future without the hope of recapturing it. I still feel the 'blahs' about my H and I still wonder if I'll ever again have those highs (albeit _legitimate_ highs.) However, the intensity of the mourning/dread has lessened considerably and I am starting to feel like a life of passion, highs, thrills is CERTAINLY obtainable - available to me - it's there, I just have to go out and get it! Make it happen! Not sit around pouting, no wallowing! I can peruse my passions. I can be ALIVE. I don't need lies, negativity, bad juju, bad drama, and a fantasy lover to get it.
Okie dokie. I'm done.
Love you guys.
Dee
Amped the f up.
Dee
Your post was great. Had me laughing out loud. Thanks. I needed that!!!
(but this...goes to 11!)
You're a naughty, dirty little minky, aren't you, KMG6? oh, yes. you ARE. ahahahahahahaha!
(God, I entertain myself!)
Anyhoo, yah, I hear ya. For someone like you, maybe you should consider skydiving? or, and it can happen, running a major 500 corporation? (please don't tell me you already do this stuff because it's all I gots to offer right now!)
I was thinking that I'd amp up the love life with my H's dead little bits by making it a challenge. Not going to focus on H so much as I would just focus on seeing if I could do it. I'm, like, soooo competitive that way. I thought, "I'm going to MAKE him love me. I'm going to MAKE him a horny little bastard... if it's the last thing I do!!!!" And, honestly, it IS the last thing I'll do (or _attempt_ to do), because if this fails??? Lord, I'm so outta here. I have a sex drive like a sixteen year old boy (with hormone issues...and a porn addiction... ) you get the point. I refuse to live the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. Not even in a sucky-sex marriage.
Look, I massaged the A into existence with magical thinking and the determination of satisfying my NEEEEEDDDDs; why can't I just use my overwhelming powers of manipulation for good, instead of evil? right?
I'm going to start slow (pouncing on a stressed out 48 year old, libido-challenged man is never a good plan) -- going to get a list of the sexiest (non-porn, ew!) movies and put them on my NetFlix list to be delivered to the house. I'm going to start laying it on thick with the compliments... "oh, Baby. Chu lookin' good today. Chu been workin' out!?" ... and I'm going to make sure that free-loading mother-in-law whose been in my house for the last three months is available (and sober enough) to babysit the monkeys on Saturdays for a date night (which I will swallow my pride and book instead of expecting him to get a clue and do for a change.) Ok. so we don't have money for a real date, but I'll think of something..... THEN? I will drop it like it's hot with that BJ thing I do (that, according to xAP is.... "The Best BJ EVAH!" (yeah, aren't they ALL??!). Wish me luck. I'm going to have decent sex within, what? Like, um, three weeks? yah? Whoo-hoo. Three Weeks!!! (boom chickah wow-wow, chicka wow-wow!!!)
F sake, if I can do it--- ANYONE can.
Check back with me in 3.
xo
D
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