Respect...
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| Sun, 09-20-2009 - 12:57pm |
One thing that characterizes all of our A’s, married or single, is the lack of respect (admitted or not) that A partners have towards each other. Even if you claim your AP loved you and was good to you, if you take a hard look at it you will eventually see the total lack of respect that was exhibited in broken dates, calls not returned, answering the phone for W when he was with you, promising things and not following through, expecting you to be there for him at all times and not reciprocating, the way they talk about/treat their spouses, etc etc.
I will also venture to say that even if you ever got together in real life, that would never change. It’s a dynamic that has been ingrained since the start of the relationship and has very, very little chance of changing.
My xAP had no respect for me or my boundaries. It was obvious during the affair, but the fog makes one tolerate bad behaviour, doesn’t it.
I realized that it would never change when I told him 2 weeks ago that I didn’t want him in my life, and did not want any contact from him. And of course guess what happened. The very day I triumphantly deleted every one of his emails to me, that evening he sends me 2 messages. All I thought was – You have no respect for me and my boundaries. I told you I wanted no contact. You’re not respecting that. Well guess what – for 3 years the relationship was on your terms, now it’s on my terms and I have the power. And I dictate that there will be no contact. You’re not getting a response.
I have to say this is the very first time he has not gotten a response. Usually I would tell him to leave me alone or go away. Then I finally realized he wanted attention, any attention even negative attention was better than nothing for him. He simply cannot tolerate being ignored. I was telling others not to reply to their xAP's, not even realizing that in my case giving xAP negative attention was just undermining my own power and giving him what he craved.
This time – nothing. Silence. No response. I feel EMPOWERED. I’m the one dictating the terms. Giving negative attention is giving away your power. Taking away attention is truly powerful.
I know it took me a long time to ‘get it’, I can be a stubborn girl sometimes. Now I am a powerful, stubborn girl lol.
Hugs to everyone,
trixie xo


Trixie!!!! *applauding!!!!!* Can you hear it? ;-)
Do you feel total indifference towards him now?
I really hope so.
Hugs
Htgo
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hey Trixie -
Very powerful post.
Great post, Trixie.
I too, many months ago thought about answering a call or text that he sent several months after I ended.