Restraint
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| Sun, 03-13-2005 - 12:13pm |
Me and my best friend were talking about relationships earlier today. She's the one who introduced me to xMM and knows everything from the very beginning. He was separated for two months when she introduced us and she feels so guilty about what's happened...
Anyway, we were talking and decided to go to Match.com to just do a search for guys for fun. We didn't want to join, but just look at the pictures LOL So, I get curious and decide to search by profile name to see if xMM has one on there. And he does. OMG - I just went all clammy and cold. I didn't look at it objectively at first. I just saw that it said he was looking, had never been married, and didn't have any kids. I was ready to send it to him with a nasty note, or send it anonymously to his wife.
My best friend, who is my reality-check button, calmed me down. The last activity listed is "Active over 3 weeks ago" which is as far back as they go even if he went on there 3 years ago. Since it said never married and no kids, she's like "it's old, it's not current, calm down." (He has been married only about 2.5 years and his son just turned 2)
I've calmed down now. I'm not sending it to anyone. I'm not going to mention it to him that I found it. I realized that even if it is fairly current, or even if it's not and he just never took it down, that it's none of my business. That is between him and his wife.
What also helped to calm me down was to come here and read the "Chaser/Runaway" article. I am definitely a Chaser and I recognize a lot of the Runaway things for him. I am so glad I get to see a therapist starting Tuesday!

Well so much for my restraint. I couldn't help but be upset today. I didn't want to be, so I don't know why I was. I finally sent him the profile that I found on match.com and he started laughing. He said that it was really old and that his wife knows about it anyway.
Gawd, why do I even care so much? Right now, I think he's the biggest jerk in the world. I think "how could someone who swore to love me so much, who swore that I was his one and only true love and he would love me forever" could be so cruel to me? I understand that all the things he told me he most likely told his wife and former girlfriends before her. I know that I'm not that special, but how am I supposed to have self-esteem when I don't think that I'm that special? It's a horrid contradiction. You should think that you are that special if you have good self-esteem. But in this situation, it's unhealthy to think that you were that special. Ugh!
I went and cried in the bathroom at work again. I know what I should do and what I should feel, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it! I guess I don't want to think that he is a bad guy, but he seems to keep doing things that prove it. I'm really angry right now. I'm angry at him and I'm angry at myself.
I am so glad that I'm going to see the therapist tomorrow. I really need it right now :(