revenge affairs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
revenge affairs
13
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 6:52am
My H is at work past 9pm for the seventh time in two weeks. Once he got home at 2.30am and once at 5.30am. He has an office based job and these sorts of hours are unprecedented in the 21 years I've known him. I trust him implicitly and believe his explanations for the long absences. Lying here alone waiting for him to come home does however make me very aware of three things:
1) all the books I have read which say it's not uncommon for a BS to have a revenge A following a D-day. I don't have any reason at all to suspect that's what's happening now, but it's still ghastly to know that my stupid actions have even made it a possibility.
2) how vulnerable I feel now that I am truly, fully, unconditionally invested in my M (for probably the first time ever). No Plan B. No escape route. No alternative waiting in the wings. Just me and my H and our M and my regrets.
3) how much it must have sucked for our spouses to have lived with years and years of odd absences, inexplicable moodiness, secretive behaviour, and closed emotions. Two weeks of late nights is bad enough. How unbearably cruel was it of me to put my H through 6 years of he!l.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Most of you will be waking up and starting your days soon as I head off to bed. Hope you have a great day.

Kat

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:03am
Kat,

I went through a similar feeling this winter when my husband had more commitments with work and extra-curricular events and was not home most evenings over a couple month period. I suddenly felt so jealous even though I trusted him, but couldn't help wondering bout the revenge A too. So completely unfounded in my case and I felt stupid for worrying, but it did make me think too.

I think the best part of your post is how you are using this feeling of worry, jealousy, and missing him to reflect upon the consequences of your A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 9:19am
Hi Kat, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 10:00am

Boy Howdy, you lighted on something there.

One of the consequences of having indulged in duplicitous behavior is that we've gone to the dark side, and it becomes almost second nature to project that onto others.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 10:36am
Oh Kat,

I think that a lot of people have gone through that thought process. For one, we are more sensitive (cynical) - and can tend to look at things with squinty, suspicious eyes. And of course, there is the whole ". . . and I would totally deserve it!" part of things as well.

Whether it is common or not for a BS to have a revenge affair - I will say this: Your having had an affair is NOT a free pass for him to do the same. While in the scheme of things, on the sliding scale of life, there is no real "better/worse" measurement - I will say that as a BS, he would know *exactly* what pain you would feel should he choose to have an affair.

He can choose to do the right thing, or he can make different choices. His choices are not under your control - and he will have to step up and take responsibility for those choices, just as you are. No free passes. :)

There is strength in vulnerability. I know that it's scary - but it can also be freeing. There is strength in being able to be all in, in putting everything out there, in knowing that you are being totally authentic, and real, and committed. It's worth fighting through the fear and feelings of discomfort.

You can check on him, and try to confirm or disprove your fears. But, if you do check - you will need to be prepared for what you may find out. What if he did? Will that change your decision to rebuild? Will you stay with him if you find that you are a BS? Is knowing for sure important to you? Will it help you in your journey? Or hurt you?

My advice? Talk to him about how you're feeling, and the sorts of things you are thinking. Bring it to him, lay it all out there, and give both of you the opportunity to work through it together. This is a great opportunity to start putting some of the things you've learned into practice, and to change how you deal with bumps in the road.

This is an opportunity to "walk the walk" - for both of you. To show each other that the rebuilding is a joint effort, and that you are both approaching things differently now. I know it's scary to be that vulnerable, to lay yourself bare like that. But, what's the worst that could happen? And, won't it be easier to deal with that worst if you know that you did your absolute best?

Apologies in advance for a lack of cohesion in this post. Nowhere NEAR enough caffeine yet this morning! :)

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 11:57am

((((Kat)))

I love Kim's advice to you -

I have thought about what I would do if my H cheated on me, whether out of revenge or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 6:17pm
I love this place! You all give the best advice.

KP - it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling like this. As for reflecting on my A, the one thing I have learnt here is that understanding and changing my own behaviour has far more positive impacts on my M than blaming my H and thinking that everything would be fine "if only he would do x, y or z".

Tuff - as always, I appreciate your support. You are always so caring towards others even when you're facing your own challenges.

Kim - you're brilliant with or without coffee.:) I hadn't even thought of the "I would totally deserve it" aspect but you're absolutely right - that it's part of it."Strength in vulnerability". What a great saying. It's something I really struggle with - I guess I'm so used to always holding a part of myself back, feeling as though I'm not worthy of that "all in" kind of love, having an escape path in case things don't work out. Sigh. Lots of work still to be done. My H used to be an open book - his email and phone were always available to me. After our D-day, he was so sure that we were heading for a D that he changed his password and began to make preparations for a life without me. Maybe it's time to start talking about whether he's ready to open those parts of his life to me again as part of our rebuilding. I have checked up on him a few times and he always is where he said he would be. These are my demons, not his. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 6:33pm
Dee - wow. I was really struck by your comment that an innocence has been lost and we now project our dark side onto others. It's so true and so sad. (Although, perhaps, there is also something positive to be gained if that loss of naivety makes us more aware of the fragility of our relationships and more willing to nurture our love for friends and family rather than taking other people's loyalty for granted?)

Never - I've heard some people describe the aftermath of an A like a nuclear bomb. The initial shock is bad, but it's the slow fallout that causes the most long-term harm. Hindsight can be a painful thing.

As I type this I can hear my H upstairs with the kids. Making the girls' school lunches, helping my son with his maths homework, making me a cup of tea to drink in bed before I start my day. He is a good, kind, wonderful man and we will get through this.

Love to you all.

Kat
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 7:08pm
>>I guess I'm so used to always holding a part of myself back, feeling as though I'm not worthy of that "all in" kind of love, having an escape path in case things don't work out.<<

I can relate. Totally. Exactly. :)

It isn't easy to change that kind of thinking, since it's usually so, so ingrained. But it is possible. Little steps may be little - but you still get where you were going in the end. :)

Your husband made the choice to stay, to rebuild, knowing what you did, what you were capable of. He saw your worst, Kat - and he stayed ANYWAY. He thinks you're worthy. Now...time to change the lens you're viewing yourself through.

Who are you holding back for? Who does that benefit? And, if holding back could mean that you end up losing a relationship...well, where's the benefit to that? Catch-22, right? :)

I've BTDT - and what you get to "keep" by holding out, holding back, doesn't seem so awesome after all. I do know it's hard - but it's like anything else: it gets a little easier with practice.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 7:34pm
Damnit Kim - now you've made me cry with your understandingness. Right after I put my mascara on for the day!! :)

What do I get to keep by holding back? That's a tough one. Some control over scary feelings. Some protection against rejection. Some confirmation that I'm not really the nice person people think I am.

Kind of dumb when I see it in black and white like that because, as you say, my "protections" simply increase the risk of loss that I'm trying to protect myself against.

Gotta go wash my face and get to my first meeting, but I will think about this some more. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Thu, 05-12-2011 - 8:11pm

Hello Kat,

My stbxH had two affairs AFTER I disclosed my relationship with xAP. The first )two month EA, minor PA) was with a dear friend with whom he turned to for comfort & support when his world was falling apart.

He also had a one night stand that failed miserably when he passed out from alcohol. Both of these events nearly destroyed him ... yes him. I watched him struggle with PROFOUND levels of self-loathing & disgust over his actions, at his complete lack of problem solving - he got himself into counseling. He was tremendously disturbed by his capacity to use people to heal his hurt ... it was awful to watch him lower himself to a level I once had in an attempt to show me just how hurting he was ...

I believe every bond had been broken by the time my affair was in full swing ... our relationship became like a free-for-all - no expectations, no safety and no accountability.

It was a "good for the goose, good for the gander" way of surviving.

We both nearly lost our minds once we took inventory of the damage we had done.

TU.

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