Is this ridiculous???
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| Tue, 12-28-2004 - 6:04pm |
Hey All -
Hope you had a great holiday! I went back east to visit family I hadn't seen in a long time. It was really great. My H got along so well with everyone. So, here is the ridiculous part...it sort of aggrevated me! Is that weird? I was doing ok as far as xOM goes - hadn't thought TOO much about him, just a little bit here and there, but the more everyone told me how much they liked H, the more I thought about xOM and got aggrevated with H!
Now, it's Tuesday and my friend just called and cancelled our New year's Eve plans! We were suppose to go out w/ her and her H (the 4 of us are very close friends), but they decided they didn't want to go out and are just going to have a quite evening at home. SCREW THAT! (I know, I'm being selfish)
I'm really feeling irritated and annoyed and frustrated and a whole bunch of other emotions that I don't understand. I really want to call xOM, but I know that is wrong and pointless and self defeating, - so I'm posting here instead.
Diva

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<<<<<>>>> Hey Diva...if you want...go ahead and divorce him...free him up...send him to Florida...I'd appreciate someone JUST LIKE THAT...especially if he likes attention, sincerity, compromise, and laying around cuddling and watching tv on NYE, hearing I love you's etc. My party days are over,(hangovers are harder to deal with when you've lost the endurance...I dont get sloppy drunk...I dont need to...I am fun and kind (sometimes quiet...and need reassurance from a stronger personality) ... and wanna focus sexually and reallly get into it and inspire them in return ...and remember it LOL) I don't always need center stage and I bask in pride of someone and those that notice them (hey he is with me and they think he is great ...and hey ..if he is handsome...all the better. If they are sloppy or sometimes say stupid things..well hey..i had five brothers...toilet seats left up have absolutely no significance to me (as a matter of fact..who says the toilet seat was made to be left down all the time rather than left up ? (my version of half glass full/empty). I would LOVE TO HAVE A MAN IN MY HOUSE TO LEAVE THE SEAT UP. (One of the things i loved when my brief MM came over to my house and did that...that feeling again ::sigh:: a man in my home....i miss it........anyway....This is just the man that I WANT.
How is that for a wake up call? Or if not that much...its posing an interesting question...What do you realistically want in a man?
Lizzie,
I think you misunderstood me. No, I don't want to divorce my husband. Yes, it's great that everyone thinks he's a great guy - he is. He's not sloppy, doesn't leave the seat up. Believe me, I know how lucky I am. This is not about wanting to go out and get sloppy drunk either. H and I happen to be two very different people. It's actually one of the reasons we were both so attracted to each other. We openend up new doors for each other. HOWEVER, sometimes it irritates me that he DOESN'T want to go out and party, or DOESN'T want to rip each others clothes off in the kitchen, or DOESN'T remember soemthing important I asked him to do because he was too busy with work.
I know the grass isn't greener on the other side - xOM proved that. I just needed to vent about it without running away and trying to have someone else solve it.
Diva
Diva
"I know the grass isn't greener on the other side - xOM proved that. I just needed to vent about it without running away and trying to have someone else solve it."
That sounds like growth to me at the very least a good step in the right direction.
Free
Aahhh...ok (thanks for explaining to me). How about giving him some books on the subject of compromise in a health marriage. (Can't hurt)Dr. Laura's books might be a good ticket (i dont always agree with her harshness in tone on the radio). She has a "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" out now perhaps there is a prequel to it for wives that he can read. I'd buy it and put it in the bathroom lol or just on the nightstand...never know what he might see in it at a private or bored moment. That way its not shoved infront of him as a demand but rather "his idea" ....men always respond better when they think its their idea
adding levity =)to the post...
Happy New Year,
Lizzie
Lizzie - Sounds like a good book...I just may have to pick that one up ;-) Thanks!
Free - thanks for the support and encouragement. There are days I feel like I am making progress and days I feel like I am regressing! Just gotta keep pushing the progression days!!
Diva
Hiya AD,
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Have you told him so? In as many words? If not, how the he77 is he suppose to know? ESP? Vulcan mind-meld?!
Have you ripped HIS clothes off in the kitchen? Why not?!
My Gran used to say that if you are bored then you're boring. It's a perspective thing.
What can YOU do to spice up your married life? Remember that you can only ever control YOU and YOUR actions. Quit trying to make him do as you say, and cut him some slack if he should forget something you deem important. He's a busy man working hard to buy you new cars, remember?
If you can't think of anything, or prefer to have someone entertain you instead, then cut him loose, AD. It certainly sounds as though Lizzie would be able to appreciate his finer qualities... He77, if I weren't happily attached to DH, I might even head on over to NYC to give Lizzie some competition! ;)
<<>>
The grass needs to be mowed on both sides of the fence. If you don't mow your own grass, someone else will...
Wishing you strength, peace & a Happy New Year,
Posie
Posie,
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Yes, and yes.
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Again, yes...or should I say, I have tried. He's a bit more...conservative ;-)
<<>>
How long do I "cut him some slack"? I'm into the 4th year of it now.
This thread has definitley taken a turn I am not comfortable with. It was not intended to bash my H. I love my H - he is a great person and any woman I know would love to be with a guy like him. I am not saying I am unhappy with him. My point was simply that SOMETIMES I get irritated with things in our marriage. Everyone I know who is married goes through the same things. Again - I did not post here to get reemed for my feelings. I thought posting here was a better alternative than turning to xOM.
Diva
Diva,
Posie's worth listening to. She "reemed" me a couple of times this week and now that I've cooled off I see that although her posts were hard to hear because they honestly appraised my life choices - which were lacking in many areas, by the way - she gave me no choice but to confront the truth.
Isn't that what these boards are about?
Faith
P.S. Posie am I the only one who just ended and A hanging out here tonight? I feel stupid.
Hiya Diva,
For a start, I haven't seen any posts reaming you out, and I certainly haven't. Seems to me you're putting up defences when no offence has occurred.
>>><<>><<< ~ Posie
<<>> ~ AD
He hasn't heard you or the gravity with which you mean it. But then, then he's at a distinct disadvantage since he doesn't exactly know the stakes either.
"Honey, I need to talk and I need you to hear me," is a handy phrase for getting blokes to extract the cotton wool from their ears. DH knows me well enough these days that if I say this phrase, he knows I'm stating my needs clearly rather than farting around.
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A marriage necessarily has two people in it, there is give and there is take. What are you GIVING, AD? Let's face it, DH has given you enough slack that you had an affair. The same is true of me, AD, I did exactly the same thing. With therapy, I've discovered the why's and how's, but my why's and how's will not be yours.
There was nothing wrong in my marriage, there was everything wrong in *me.* Look to yourself for what's broken here, AD. That empty place, that feeling of being incomplete, that void - it isn't something that can be filled by exOM nor by DH nor anyone else on the face of the planet for that matter.
Expecting someone to fill you up, "make" you whole, complete you, and/or "make" you happy, is a gargantuan responsibility to place on someone elses' shoulders. The one certainty is that it will fail each & every time because the overloaded carrier becomes overburdened. Both the carrier and you become resentful in time because it's just too big a load for one person.
The quick-fix would be to go the route of continually replacing the carriers as they become worn out, AD, and many do just that. Doing so cheats you of a whole bunch of personal growth and means you will never, ever be happy, fulfilled, complete or whole. The whole process drags all those poor AD-happiness-carriers down the pan along with you, though, which isn't particularly nice for them either. It's got to be a terribly sad existence knowing there's a time limit to how long someone can "make" you happy before they collapse under the weight of the burden and knowing you'll have to find another and another only for the cycle to continue ad infinitum.
The long-term solution is only in working out of what your very own void is comprised, then using that self-knowledge to begin filling it up yourself. When you can do this, AD, then you can be happy *with* someone rather than happy *because* of someone. And you know what? It feels damn good, too.
<<>>
You know it's a better alternative. Just don't think it's any skin off anyone else's arse if you should decide to do so. The only people you'd be hurting by doing so is you and, of course, your husband. You have free will, AD, your choices, decision & actions have consequences. If you're happy with the consequences, good & bad, then knock yourself out.
Wishing you strength, peace & a Happy New Year,
Posie
Hiya Faith,
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No need to feel remotely stupid, the boards are often quiet over weekends and holidays.
Midnight was about 4hrs ago now for me, so took I a break to welcome in the New Year with the police officers in the station I'm on-call in tonight until 6am. A thankfully quiet night so since my paperwork's up to date, I hit the boards. I'm not long back from a two-week vacation so I drew short straw for on-call duties for much of the unpopular late shifts lol.
Happy New Year,
Posie
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