Riding On...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Riding On...
4
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 8:47pm
Hi All,

I have been gone for months, but I have a very important question:

Has anyone in an A, fallen in love and been able to leave their current relationship for the A partner and had it work out? I am on the brink of this and need some help.

My story is long--but the re-cap is: I had an A with a MM last year for about 4 months. We fell very deeply in love. I was miserable (but thought it was depression, because that runs in my family) in a 15 year marriage, going through the motions, being the perfect wife, but totally unfulfilled as my H went on his ego-seeking missions (that, yes, I realize now I allowed him to go on!) MM and I both have young kids, met at work, live several states apart, and both spouses found out about the A. Mine, because he confronted me and I told him, and MM's because his wife had us tracked by PI's. The A ended after the chaos and fear of being followed, but I continued to work with MM and was emotionally entangled with him. I had never been in love with anyone before MM. I had never felt as happy as I was when I was with him. I know now that I married my H because I was very young, practical and intellectual--marrying someone because I wanted to learn from him, have his kids, but not because there was passion. During the A, MM and I began to make plans to be together, until the A was revealed. The fear over what happened with the PI activity, etc., threw us back to our families. None of us had been through this before. We did not know how to react or how to act. We did not "resolve" things between us and those feelings between us were very real. I continued to work with him for about 4 months after the A ended (or where I promised my H that I was done with the physical stuff with MM) and that was basically true. But, we had lunch and reminisced and confessed how much we missed each other. The A was NOT over, but we were not as intense. I wanted more and continued to try to meet him, etc. He would refuse me--or at least not be as "there" as he used to be. Plus, I hated my job because we had decided not to work so closely and he was a good mentor that I missed. I got a new job a few months ago and don't see MM anymore at work. We met a few times for lunch, but it became frustrating for me. He said he missed me because seeing me at work was better than not seeing me at all--but I had always wanted more--the more that he used to give me before the A was revealed, but the more he was incapable of giving now. So, I called it totally off--and asked for NC. I had tried this several times, but was unable to do it, especially with working with him. I had become very frustrated because MM had previously told me I was his true love, we were meant for eachother, etc., but as soon as we ran back to our families, he cut me off from those feelings. I continued to try to tell him how much he meant to me, how much I missed him and loved him. All the while, trying for some "normalcy" at home. This is really hard because my H saw intimate letters and notes MM and I wrote to each other and also knows that MM and I really connected; had great communication and the lovemaking was heightened because of that. Why my H still wants me, I'll never know. He knows I don't love him the way he loves me. I suppose he is hoping that in time we can recapture (what?) some kind of love. And now that I have had a different experience, I think my H finds me more attractive or more worth keeping?

After I asked for NC, MM lasted about 4 days. He said all the things I had wanted him to say to me during the months we were in limbo. I can't even explain how wonderful it was to know that I did not imagine all of this.

In a way, I am back where I started, but, I have the courage and the knowledge now to look ahead. MM and I have not made plans to get together, but we are communicating again. He was my best friend and I missed having him to talk to. All of my friends shut me out because of the A and they were so shocked and hurt that I had not been honest about my unhappiness in my M. So, I come here because I am on the brink. I know I should leave my H. He has been generous to take me back, but I can't be with someone out of pity.

I also know that MM is the one for me. It is a mutual feeling. I don't think I am imagining this.

Please help me get the courage to do what is best for everyone.

Thanks for thoughts,

Lofluv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: lofluv
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 10:33pm
HI Lofluv

The succes rate for AP makeing a longe term R work is about 2.5 percent, less then 5 percent last one year.

Good luck

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lofluv
Sun, 02-15-2004 - 11:21pm
How about taking a year away from your husband to see what it's like to be on your own? Because right now you're on the fence, and that's not fair to him or to you. As for your other man, who knows whether or not he'll leave his wife. He probably won't. But you've said, quite clearly, that you no longer want to be married to your husband. If you really feel that way, leave. But don't count on the MM being there for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: lofluv
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:16am
Yes, my xMM and I are deeply in love. I am waiting as he goes through the steps to end his marriage.

If you decide to leave your husband though, make sure that you are able to stand on your own 2 feet if your relationship with MM does not work out. In other words, make sure that the decision is the right one for you.

Good Luck!

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: lofluv
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:21am
Free, the rate of A's that lead to marriage is 2.5%

Yes, it is pretty rare for the couple who are involved to end up married. The stat that you describe is not the success rate though. I can attest that the odds ARE against the couple who marry after being in an affair.

But who cares about stats when you're in love??? ;-)

~Love

Love