Right at the beginning of the end...
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|Thu, 01-16-2014 - 10:02am|
Ive been involved in an affair for about 6 months now, trying desperately to work my way out at this point, as I've gotten too emotionally attached to the AP. He's married, I'm married, our spouses know each other, though not well. We've known each other for years, and our lives have many interconnections. This is a first for both of us, and we've both been with our significant others a long time. It started as an emotional affair; both of us were going through some real problems at home, and in each other found someone to laugh with, share our problems and fears with, connect to. It's crazy what a high that is. Texting each other all day and into the evenings, never hiding it from our spouses, in some ways felt that we were validating why we were doing because it wasn't hidden. I'd always been attracted to him on a physical level, and now I had him telling me that he'd find any reason to spend more time with me, making me feel desired, needed, wanted. His wife could sense things were not what they should be, and lost it on him for it (rightfully so!). While he blatantly denied to her anything was going on, we shifted to less obvious communication- emails, finding non-suspicious time to be alone, etc.
Having to push this underground seemed to be the tipping point to it getting physical. Now we knew what we were doing was wrong, and we proceeded to make it really wrong. That has been going on for months, with a few attempts on both our parts to stop it along the way. We were excrutiatingly careful, we've never gotten caught though I think both spouses had suspicions. We are in a situation where we have legitimate reasons to be alone together, and kept any of this activity to those times. The few moments we could share together seemed to make the rest of the day and it's guilt, loneliness, and lying to our spouses worth it. The turning point for me came when I realized just how emotionally involved I had gotten with some one who could never make me a priority. We would always have to be looking at the clock, over our shoulders. I was jealous of his family-they had his real time and energy. He has so many complications in his life that it was never a possibility for this to work for us, and while my head knew that going into this, my heart wasn't convinced.
About a month ago I told him all this, and that I'd really have to back out of contact to get my head cleared. He was crushed, we see each other 4-5 times a week in our normal lives, and he wanted me to try and make it work but not lose contact, kept saying we would figure it out. I gave in... And we backslid twice in one month. Hard. The most recent just being this past Monday. I saw him like normal on Tuesday, but could not even make eye contact without being on the point of tears. He cut most of our communication after the first back slide, which just made it all worse... Partial contact, pretending to be normal? I can't do that, because it's not normal. And part of me is so mad and so upset that he was so adamant about keeping communication , figuring it out together, only to find that his means of doing so was to just pretend nothing ever happened, and stop talking except when needed. I know how he copes, he's got that soldier mentality of putting on the game face and powering through it... And I know he's hurting too. But I can't handle his coping mechanism, I can't see hi every day acting normal. Monday he was telling me it would get easier, to stick with it. How on earth is it easy to see someome every day who is trying to fall out of love??? I don't see that getting easier!!!
so I'm taking steps to change my routines and cut the ties that need to be cut. Not there yet, but working on it. I will still have to contact him at least once or twice more for professional reasons (fortunately we don't work together, but I've been doing some contract work for him), but that should get wrapped up quickly. I've got two friends in reali life who know what's going on and let me vent, and support me. I've got a husband at home who knows things got off track (not how badly, he doesn't know and I don't plan to tell him), and wants to work It out. But I'm still heartbroken, missing the AP like crazy. Mixed with a nice dose of guilt, some anger, and self loathing. Like I said, beginning of the end, but determined to really end it and get past all this hurt. Sigh... And if you read all that, you deserve an award..