Right or wrong to lurk on BS??
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| Thu, 09-09-2010 - 10:48am |
I have been reading some threads on BS board. I thought it would be good for me to read about what they are going through. And be happy that I'm not longer participating in causing another person so much pain. But I wonder if I should be doing that sometimes. Have any of you?
I noticed something though. A lot of bashing of the OW. Which I expected and fully understand. But not so much towards the H. And a lot of self pity on their part. Are they more entitled to feel sorry for themselves? What is it in them that keeps them from blaming H? Isn't HE the bigger problem than the OW. It was the OW who caused him to cheat??
I just don't get it. I'm so tired of the opinion that "Boys will be boys!" But women are whores, psycho, have issues, low self esteem. That's why they get involved with a MM or that's why the allow their H to be unfaithful but take them back.
I believe all of this is more complicated. There isn't any way to grasp the big picture here.
I think I understand now more of where you vets are coming from. LET IT GO and focus on YOU and Only YOU. If you keep trying to understand the why other people do what they do how will you have time and energy to understand yourself.
I believe the worst part about cheating is the lies. Lies are so evil. My H is a recovering A. He was in recovery before we M. But the day we got back from our honeymoon he announced to me he had relapsed and was facing a DUI charge. Our first week of wedded bliss was me sleeping in another room crying for a week.
We recovered from it, but obviously I still resent what he did. What is it about me that attracts or is attracted to a person like this?
Will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship? Do we all just have forgive each other? All human beings have issues and weaknesses don't they? Who can claim perfection?
I guess it boils down to finding a person who you love enough to accept all of their flaws and hope they will work on themselves and grow and if they don't cut it loose and wish the best for them.
I'm so f'n happy I start T this afternoon.
Lilly

Lilly,
I appreciate that you're trying to see all the sides with clarity and that you think you'll be motivated by understanding the BS's pain and perspective, however, I think that you're really new to this ending and that (you nailed it) you really need to stay focused on you and only you right now. I would suggest that you don't lurk on the other boards, especially not MAS. It's difficult enough trying to assimilate and digest all the EAS is feeding you, without distracting yourself with more perspectives.
Also, you will read here in the old posts that the tweeners and vets take a pretty protective stance when it comes to respecting the BSs. Posts that are pejorative to them in any way are usually smacked down tout suit! And with good reason.
You have enough wounds to lick right now without causing new ones. Stay in your own yard for your own sake, Dear.
Keep up the good work. I like where I think I see you going.
Best,
Dee
Great post Dee! I agree. While we are in an A and when we are newly out of it our view is so tainted we don't see clearly and could never understand the harm that we have caused to other individuals involved in the mess we created.
Once we are at a better place we began to see our casualties of war.
Lilly,
Dee did a good job in responding to your thread. She was much more eloquent than I would have been so I will just copy and paste her words:
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You can read other boards, but having opinions about what is said and bringing them here is a
~Iddy~
and Lilly....time you will see...its hard to relate to BS's pain. Not that you were trying, although I guess you were. Many women know its not just the OW's doing. Takes two to tango, its just easier to direct their anger to us most times. and although we think they get off scott-free, they don't. None of us do. Not really anyway...eventually we all get a bill in the mail, how soon and how big the bill is, well that is up to God....but the bill comes. Always.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida