Rock and a hard place...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2011
Rock and a hard place...
6
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 7:48pm

Hello everyone, was hoping to find advice (like everyone I guess).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 8:22pm
I know the other posters will have better advice on handling low contact. Is there no option to find another job???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2011
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 9:23pm

The problem is

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2009
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 9:27pm
It sounds like you sill have a tough time working with him. Once you cross the line, sacrifices have to be made to move forward.

There are posters here that share your dilemma. I am sure they can help but I believe removing yourself from toxic situations is always the best solution.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2011
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 10:11am

I am in a similar situation. My AP ended it or said we needed a break last week. He is my boss and my best friend as well. Last week was absolute hell, I could not sleep, eat, or function. I posted on there on Friday night and it was very helpful.

I can not quit my job or cut my ties with AP professionally. It would destroy everything that I have worked so hard for. I have to tell you what is helping me is the fact that I don't need this to ruin my family and my career. He is never going to be with me and I don't even want him.

What you need to try to do is think about the big picture. You don't want to be with him either. Just start pulling back emotionally, you don't need him to be your support. YOu were fine before you met him. The A business is very addictive and I think women bear the grunt of the blow. Most of us can't be in a physical relationship without having feelings for someone, men might be the same way, but they hold it together better.

I think once you work on some of your fears of losing him, you will realize that he was never yours, you don't want him, he needs you more than you need him, and you DO NOT want to mess up your marriage and reputation over this.

Post more and we will help you. It will be ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 11:22am

Saffron,

I had a 4.5 year A with my boss. We tried 3 times to end it and the last time finally stuck. I have continued working with him, but it took 2 years to emotinally disengage which was painful, caused several health issues, and brought me to this board 6.5 years ago. As long as you work together you will be in one another's life one way or another. Dropping the personal attachment and making it strictly professional is going to take a lot of hard work, perhaps some counseling, and a complete overhaul of your emotional state.

I am gathering that you haven't ended this yet, so I will have to tell you that this board is for WHEN you do end it. Until then, please continue lurking, learning, and reading the Healing Library faithfully every day until you have covered most of it. The thread on "How to Maintain LC at the workplace" needs to be memorized. It is the ONLY way you will be able to end this A and continue working there.

As far as you thinking he may be seeing another OW, you could be very right about this. Remember, this is an A where no commitment is made, and the simple fact that you are both cheating on your spouses as it is, why would his cheating with someone else be such a surprise? I get the feeling this guy is a player...and has done this before. My Xmm swore to me I was his first OW, but with a little digging around I undercoverd another gal who came before me. I never told him I knew...I just used it as fuel to propel me toward the finish line. I ended it the last time and never let him lay another finger on me. It was the emotional connection that took longer to break. Working side by side leaves little room to heal in a healthy way.

You need to get out of this A, and the sooner the better. Let us know when you are ready to tell MM that you are reinvesting back into your M and that the A is over. On a more positive note, my Xmm and I have set aside any anomosity or hard feelings

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 9:39am

Iddy obviously was very very dedicated to ending it for it to be successful. I hope you take heed of what she says. I can't imagine working with xAP and being able to end it successfully. It's really up to you to make it happen. I can't help but wonder if staying in that work environment is just a way to prolong things.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!