Rock Bottom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Rock Bottom
26
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:19am

Alright, I finally have nothing to say.

Except I just hit rock bottom emotionally.

I cant stop crying.

I am going to do NOTHING to try to stop this pain - as it pours out of my soul.

Its over. Its REALLY over. Its JUST OVER.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:12pm

hi michele!

i am thinking of ya today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:46pm

Ohhh man! ((((Melinda!)))

Tears all over again!

You know...this is what I was saying to myself last night! I KNEW this was

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:52pm

awwwww- dangit! Iddy, MORE TEARS!!!

Yah...I tried to stay so far ahead of it to AVOID this crap! Bleh.

You know...I just kept saying to myself...It's over. It really is...and when I read Lillie's post that YES IT IS.

Omg! I LOST IT! Someone else acknowledging that it's OVER for me - was my permission slip to LET IT GO.

I TRUST YOUR WORDS IDDY - I KNOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I felt like such a proud kid runnin and BOOM! face plant! Skid on the knees! Fetal Position! Baby Bawling her eyes out - It felt like I was crying from some Deep Place in my soul. Dammit. Im a water works.

My little heart is BROKEN. I tried so hard...and for NOTHIN. My mind KNOWS I'll be ok & Trusts that I'll be stronger and wiser...but this poor little girl inside me is SAD.

Thank you for the Hugs - I soooo NEED them right now. I was thinking last night, man...It's been so long since I've had someone HOLD ME. Non Sexual...being HELD. And even though that doesnt SOLVE anything...It sure does make me feel good.

Your words mean more than you probably know Iddy. Thanks again!!!

Xo,

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 12:55pm

Michelle -

<<<>>

Your Aries is showing. :)

Hitting rock bottom is a good thing - there is no better foundation upon which to build. Be patient - I know it's hard. As far as breaking down being normal - heck yes - I have literally been on my knees uncontrollably crying. We all probably have.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 1:10pm

TU,

Coming from YOU...this is HUGE to me.

PERMISSION TO FEEL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??!?

Yes...You're right about CBT - not letting the feeling out - and You're right - Not automatically reframing something has some value to it AND (the trifecta) You're right again - with all I've been through...it sure DOES feel like the pain is going to swallow me and take me over.

Truth? I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS BAD! My head knows...what this was - but my little heart - wanted so much to have this love be "it". I didnt want to be screwin around with some jerk married guy for NAUGHT. I wanted it to mean something. And here I am...used up and ALONE. I let myself be USED. All those I love yous...We're meant to be together...You're the one for me...NOTHING. He is staying where he says he didnt feel he belonged. Its none of MY business and I dont care to analyze HIM because truth is...it's not going to do me a damn bit of good. AND! it's NOT going to make the feelings go away. How can I be so smart and be such a screwed up mess emotionally? (that's kinda rhetorical) Us smart, tough chicks FALL HARD. So much "pride" "ego" involved. Like being a mess is 'beneath me'. I shouldn't have posted that Fall apart Poster girl pic, so many times...cuz that was me last night - and Im not so sure she's gone today.

But here I am...at my 'big girl' desk job. Handling other people's money. And crying between writing checks because somebody else's husband wouldnt get a divorce and leave and be with me. I almost just called myself what I heard my growing up years..."what a selfish brat".

You know what too, TU...I never have given this a whole lot of weight or stock...but here's a HUGE revelation of my upbringing:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 1:28pm

<> ... Blech. I know. That still

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 2:10pm

dammit! YOu got me!!!!

:)

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 2:13pm

Thanks, Lill!!!

You have NO idea how much you helped me go there last night, when you wrote the simple words, "yes..it's OVER".

I NEEDED THAT!

God Bless you!!!

Michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 2:24pm

Always!!!

Right?!?!?!? The romanticizing...Jeeez-us and it seems so damn REAL.

Delusional!

I cannot wait until

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-15-2010 - 2:56pm

hahahahha Bodhi!

"Your Aries is showing!" hahhahahahah

Darn Straight!

All the strengths are being my weaknesses right now! Controlling, Analytical, Impatient, Firey...oh and the big one...the big BABY of the zodiac. Dont thwart an Aries! :) She just might throw a big hissy fit.

Well...Im HANGIN TOUGH!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010