Roll call and Introductions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Roll call and Introductions.
82
Tue, 12-08-2009 - 9:27am

To All: (Newbies, tweeners, vets, and lurkers)


I remember that Messenger used to do this every so often

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 4:32pm

Hi everyone. I've been lurking about for over a month and have finally decided to introduce myself. I'm 38 years old and have been with my H for 11 years. We have two beautiful very young children who keep me busy and exhausted as does my full time job. A few days before Christmas 2008, I was FB friended by an ex that I hadn't talked to in 12 years. Our earlier relationship was casual yet very intimate and special and I felt we were good friends as well as lovers. He's always had an aversion to monogamy (however, he was single at the time) but I appreciated his honesty and upfrontness and accepted him for who he was. When I was ready for more I moved on and we always remained on great terms.

After he looked me up again, communication was friendly, infrequent and all over email. We finally made a date to see each other again over dinner. That was the beginning of the end. He immediately regaled me with stories of how his marriage was crumbling after years of his affairs. While they remained married for the kids, she was effectively done with him sexually and romantically and this was extremely upsetting to him (duh!). Intertwined with his sob stories were romantic and sexual overtures. Due to our past history, he made me feel special by telling me things like I am one of the only people he ever let himself get close to, etc. and I believed him. I had my wits about me at the beginning and knew that he was a mess and needed a friend, not a lover. But he is EXTREMELY sexy and irresistible too.

So a couple of months later we consummated and my girl scout badge for being a faithful wife and honest person was revoked. That signaled a turning point for me of when the "fog" really began. I became distracted at work, at home, with my kids, i dropped weight, couldn't sleep, etc. While he remained somewhat attentive, I noticed an immediate drop off in the amount of communication, gushyness, etc. that he had demonstrated during the courtship phase. This was devastating to me and threw me into more of a tailspin.

To complicate matters further, he talked about me to his wife - I presume as a "friend" and she began reaching out to me to invite me to parties at their house etc. This put me in a difficult spot and caused me to question the truthfulness of his stories about the state of their marriage. I never got a satisfactory answer from him as to why he did not demonstrate more discretion at home. This helped me make my decision to end the affair.

I began seeing a therapist in October because I knew I had to get out of this before it destroyed me. I finally got the strength to end it in early December via email. He has not tried to contact me and this is painful. Very painful. Therapy helps but I think of him constantly. I have no urge to contact him but secretly wish he would reach out to me. I'm insulted that in the end, our history and friendship - more than the end of the sexual relationship - mean nothing to him.

I'll cop to cyber-stalking which is torturing me but I can't seem to stop yet. I know I have to, though.

So that's it. I'm proud of myself for getting in and out in less than a year. I know he wanted this to go on indefinitely. Unlike some affairs out there, he never told me he loved me, never led me down a golden path but it doesn't make it hurt less. In some ways it hurts more because I talked myself into believing that "the one that got away" finally came back for me.

Your thoughts and support are greatly appreciated. Reading that my experience is so similar to all of yours is heartbreaking to me. This is not a club I want to belong to. We are all too smart, independent and essentially better than this. I don't like having to think about things as generalizations - all men are jerks who fake their way through affairs and lie, blah blah blah. I'm sure every case is a little different. My guy liked to talk openly about his fears of abandonment and rejection. He cheats and rejects women as a means of self protection. So maybe he loved me 12 years ago and maybe he still loves me. Otherwise, why seek me out again? I've never been his doormat or kissed his ass. I've always been straight up with him and told it like it was. The idea that I was nothing more than an ego stroke is diminishing and I don't want to do that to myself.

I need to find a way to make my peace with this without closure from him. That is the challenge.

Thanks for listening (reading)!

Wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-08-2010 - 5:24pm

Wit, welcome to our community. Thank you for introducing yourself and

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 11:33am

thanks, Iddy. You are a real sweetheart and a guardian angel.

Wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 12:31pm

Bumping for newbies and weekend lurkers.

~ Iddy~

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 3:17pm

Hi All, and glad to have you as CL, Iddy.

I'm a newbie who's been lurking, rarely posting, for a year and a half. I'm 40, married for almost 10 years, a three year old, a 15 year old stepdaughter I'm raising, and in an A with someone I work (SM) with for 1.5 yrs.

Several times he has tried to break it off, and I have too, but we always fall back into the same patterns. He was always hot/cold...sending me constantly in an emotional tailspin. I had "almost" become numb to the pain I let this guy cause me, and was well on my way to cutting it off. I was so sick of the ease at which he could blow me off for weeks, and the obsessive longing I constantly endured.

Then, three months ago, his live-in GF moved out and he started pursuing me heavily, physically and emotionally. I finally had him emotionally - someone who usually pulls away - and I got the intimacy I had been craving all along. Before I knew it I got even deeper in this ridiculous hole, and it's only made it harder to see reality and what I SHOULD and NEED to do = end it now.

So last Thursday, I had the biggest "ah-hah" moment...and the sickness I still feel in the pit of my stomach will last for weeks...after he revealed (after some questioning) that he had been with his xGF the previous week, as well as a recent one night stand. This reveal happened as i'm standing in front of him in lingere. Please leave your $$ on the nightstand. I felt like a whore.

So I finally had to look in the mirror and realize I'm not special to this guy. Even if I left my H tomorrow this guy would not want just me. How selfish/arrogant of me to think that I'm so "great" that I could change him into what I wanted him to be...instead of seeing him for who he is.

And yesterday, as I'm grounding my 15 yr old for not making the right choices and being responsible for her part around the house, I'm cringing inside for being a deplorable hypocrite.

As y'all can tell, this is a big soul searching weekend for me. Thank you for listening and sharing.

Misty

p.s. I rarely can check this board but 2-3 times/week...too many "eyes" around...so it may take me a couple of days to reply to any posts. Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 6:14pm

Welcome, Misty. When you don't have all those eyes watching you, we will be here to help you however we can. Everyone

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 8:28am

My Story and introduction


Maybe typing it out will help me put it in perspective.

I deserve my Dignity.
NC since 2/4/2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2007
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 12:34pm

My story begins in January 2005.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2009
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 1:53pm

Dignity-


I can't write too much now because of time and eyes around, but I will write more tomorrow. I just am sitting here with my jaw dropped after reading your post. MY mother died when I was 15. MY father dated and remarried right away, also in my senior year of high school. MY father was emotionally abusive (not physically though) and I moved in with my aunt for a short time. But, I found a good stable man and married him at age 23, not in love with him but he was a good caretaker for me when I needed that father figure. I am in shock of how similar our stories are, right down to the PTA and church involvement. I also went back to school (just finished last August and am now working) and lost 50 pounds!! I will write more tomorrow - I wonder if we can be in touch via e-mail? I am on Day 5 NC - I will fill you in more tomorrow. I shouldn't be using this thread to respond - sorry Iddy! I didn't know how else to respond to her. The similaritites are unbelievable I had to respond to her. I will start a new post tomorrow.


LFT

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Sun, 01-17-2010 - 2:11pm

I finally found all of you and I'm oh so glad that I did.

myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)

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