Roll Call and Introductions

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Roll Call and Introductions
22
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 7:34am

Good morning ladies and gents (if any are around),


I thought it was time to re-introduce ourselves to the board so others know who's who around here. Please tell us a little bit about yourself, how long you've been out of your A, and perhaps one important lesson you have learned so far. I'll go first.


Hi, my name is Iddy. I used to be Id-Diosyncrity for those who would like to read my very first posts. I've been on EAS for almost 6 years now, ending my A just before I started posting. I work with Xmm 'still' and we are both way past our indiscretion that started in 1999 and ended for good in 2004. He is still my boss but we pretty much run the business together. We had to lay off many people over the years with just the two of us left in the office. Unfortunately for me, the lay offs began in 2004 and I went through a very difficult healing period of about 2 years due to just the two of us working all day long together. Time has been on my side though, and now Xmm is busy with another business that takes him out of the office most of the day. Amen!


The most important lesson I learned through all of this is that messing around with an unavailable man was the darkest road I ever traveled. I have been through 2 divorces and never experienced this kind of emotional torment. I had a late in life affair, starting right after my youngest child left for college. This gave me loads of free time to muck

   ~Iddy~ 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:42am

Hi,

I am Jane. I am M (no kids) and I have been out of my A for 71 days today. I have had 3 DDays with my H. I stumbled upon EAS 2 or 3 days after I ended my A, which lasted a little under a year. He and I are co-workers, so LC has been necessary, but I just accepted a new job that will help me cut the last tie. I've learned that it's hard to be honest with yourself, but it's necessary to find true happiness. I've also learned that the intimacy in marriage far outweighs the intimacy of an A if you allow yourself to be open and honest at every juncture. If not for this board, I would not have made it 71 days. I've wanted to break NC so many times, but I always come here first, re-read old posts and the healing library, and have stayed strong.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 8:45am

Hi All,

Im DM, I came to EAS last fall sometime. Ive been out of my last A for 7-8 months or so. This wasnt my 1st A, Ive been in the fog for a total of 8 years. Im married, been with H for 15 years and have 2 children. Some days I feel like Im still coming out of the fog but for the most part I have my wits back-minus the bad days.

I think I have let go of XAP, to be honest Im finding thats the beginning of my journey. Because since this wasnt my 1st affair I do want it to be my last. Its difficult for me not to go and replace all those feel goods that XAP gave me with someone else. Its hard to remain focused on my M and all the issues that come with that when it is just so much easy to escape back into the fog.So I come here everyday to EAS to find my strength, twist my head on the right way and if I can to pay it forward on the things I have learned for the ones who are just coming out of the A.

Ive learned so much in this whole process. Im talking about from the 1st time I entered into an A to coming out of one. Ive learned more about myself than I would have ever thought. The road has been filled with alot of pain but I choose to focus on all what Ive learned about myself and where I wanna go. I would have to say the most important thing Ive learned in the 8 years is that Life is constant learning lesson; and if I can learn from how far Ive come to how far I have to go Ill be ok in learning these life lessons.

DM




Edited 4/9/2010 6:39 pm ET by dm2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 10:26am

Thanks for doing this. I've been on this board for a little while but not nearly long enough to know the story behind some of you.


I have been married for almost 12 years with 2 wonderful sons. My affair began when I needed things that I wasn't getting at home. It was very selfish but I sought out the attention from XMM and it lasted 16mths. He was also married, for 25 years, 10 years older than me and 2 teenage daughters. He had a DDay when his W found a card that I had given him, his M was disfunction to begin with and eventhough he will stay with her, I highly doubt that either of them will work towards making it better.


XMM drew me in with exactly what I needed. He was attentive, complimented my independence, intelligence, my looks and the way that I handled my busy life. Those were all things H never said to me. Once I got those things, I was hooked and couldn't let go. I craved the high those feelings gave me, he supplied me with everything I had always been wanting from my marriage. There was such chemistry, the sex was amazing but then we started talking about leaving our spouses and thats where it got complicated. He honestly made me think that my life with him would be better.


During all of this time I completely checked out of my M. I didnt care much about H or his feelings, we co existed. I wasnt really even there for my kids. I showed up late for games, school functions, all because I wanted, needed and craved seeing XMM. I look back and think of what I missed and that cuts me deep.


After his Dday, Xmm pulled away, he needed "his space", had "too much on his plate". I was like a lost puppy following him around. That self assured woman that he was attracted too would hang around waiting for him to want to see me, would wait for any little text, even drove by his office to see if he was really there. I dont know what snapped me out of it and Im still not 100% convinced Im out of the fog/woods yet but I AM better. I started IC, come to this board daily, had some really deep conversations with H about what I needed and he has started to actually listen. There has been no Dday for me so Im sure that makes my M easier to recover but there were issues before my A that my H never wanted to address but I think H saw the severity of the situation and has now stepped up to the plate. Knowing he is vested despite my behavior and what I have put him through with anger and crying fits that were both about him and XMM, has made it more comfortable to talk with him.


I have at least returned to the here and now rather than the roller coaster through all of the fog. Its by far the most difficult and painful struggle that I have ever had to navigate through on my own. Its not like you can go to a best friend that know your H really well and confess all thats been going on. But I have this board and thats what has really helped me see things more clearly and to try and stay on this road to recovery.


Hugs to you all,


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 1:53pm

Hi everyone,


I am "Healing" (at least I hope to be). I have only joined the board in the past week after lurking for a couple weeks. I have been married for almost 14 years (together for 21). The A really began 7 years ago, but has been physical for 5 years. I am not sure if I am a "real" 39 days NC. You see, HE initiated the NC....I didn't realize at the time he was just stopping. There was no indicator, no explanation, no reason why out of the blue he stopped talking. In the first week or two I tried to initiate a conversation...nothing, I asked what was up....nothing. After 4 attempts at a conversation, I was NOT going to let him do this too me anymore. It has been pure hell. No closure is a huge issue with me...but am soon beginning to realize I will NEVER have it...and what difference would it make if he told me why??? I will be honest to all of you and to myself here and that is I am not sure I would have ended it totally all alone and on my own...I am not sure that I would have initiated and stuck to NC. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 3:10pm

Hi! My name is Gal. I've been on EAS since October, when my 8 year, on again, off again A finally ended for good. I am M, xAP is S. I have 2 small children and a wonderful H. My A started before I was married, when my DH was still my BF. I met xAP in school. He had a GF at the time, and we started as friends, but it quickly crossed the line and we never looked back. We went NC many times; I think the longest was 7 months when I had gotten married. My DH found out about xAP before we were married and after some introspection, decided I was still the one for him. (thankfully) God only knows why I started up again with xAP and continued the A on and off throughout my marriage thus far. It's a sad fact, but I am proud to say it's finally OVER and that I will not waste another minute in my M on it. And thankfully, we didn't have a D-Day after we got married.

I've learned many things since I've come here. (1) My A was not unique. It was not "romantic" "star crossed lover" crap. It was torrid, sordid, and WRONG. I was never his to have, and I prevented him from living a full, single life all these years. (2) While I do feel that I loved xAP, I think I loved the escape, the danger, and the excitement a tad more. When I start feeling like I'm "missing" him, I just remind myself that I miss the escape and something to look forward to during my day, not the man himself necessarily. (3) NC truly is the only way. No email, no texts, no cyberstalking. Nothing. Block and walk. Blocking him from my email (which is how NC was always broken in the past) was the most empowering thing I've done in my 6 month journey here. I would block him from my cell phone, but my provider doesn't let me. :( Someday, I might change my number though. (4) I needed help getting through the ending process and this community has quite literally saved my life. (5) I am stronger and better than I thought I was. The A does NOT define who I am. It is a scar I will forever have on my heart and on my soul, but the damage is not irreversible. Taking back my life and moving forward will allow me to live a full, happy, and honest life. One that I will be proud to look back on someday, and not one riddled with shame, lies, and deceit.

((HUGS)) and LOVE TO ALL -
Gal

NC since October 2, 2009.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2008
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 3:15pm

Well I posted last week that 1 year had gone by with NC although there were 3 fishing attempts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Fri, 04-09-2010 - 5:28pm

Healing,


Give yourself time. That is the key!! I have had so many moments of doubt through this ending journey but I come here to EAS, I read, post, vent, and it helps. Personally, I dont think that you need to delete all of those things just yet (ill get heck for this I know) but you need to do it for the desire to move forward, not becasue you want to delete him from your life but becasue you need to take a step forward on the road to revovery. I can tell by your post that you understand what this A had done to you and because you know the damage it has caused, you will do all the deleting, blocking and erasing here very soon. I deleted everything right away, I didnt want to get caught up in remembering, but that was me. You know its needed, you know in order to move forward you have to do it.


You need to heal and once you begin to heal, you will see the importance of the "blocking, walking, NC" and then you will do it!! You will feel the empowerment of taking the control back. You are right, there never is really closure but here is your chance to close off these parts of your A and move forward.


So, Healing, please give yourself time. Stay on this road and on this journey to getting YOU back. If you need to email me, you can directly through my profile. Recovery from this is difficult and if you have someone who can help you through, its much easier. You will have both good and bad days and no matter which you have, come here to EAS.


Hang in there.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 10:19am

Thanks, Iddy, for starting a thread like this again. There are so many folks on EAS that I can't keep them straight, and it is nice to get these little blurbs all in one place for a review!

I am Lillie, 48 years old, married for 29 years, mother of four. I work in women's health. I have been out of my A since February 14, 2010. It was a long-distance A with a MM that started online, became physical, and lasted for two years. I found EAS when I had been in my A for just over a year. I tried and failed to end it in April of 2009 .

I looked for my A, sought it out. I was not a victim. It did not "just happen" to me.
My primary motivation for starting an A in the first place was a lack of intimacy in my marriage and my perceived inability to get my sexual needs met within it. My flawed thinking made perfect sense to me at the time, and it seemed to be a way to get what I needed without destroying everything else around me.

I had a chaotic, fatherless upbringing and have long recognized an unrealistic and relentless need to get attention and validation from men. My marriage has always felt more like a father-daughter relationship than a partnership, as my husband has sheltered, protected and taken care of me since I was 19 years old. Inappropriate attraction to and interest in other men has been problematic for me throughout my marriage.

I can't even begin to articulate the important lessons I have learned since embarking on this journey. It is so hard to distill the lessons of a lifetime into a few lines. The thing that occurs to me at this moment is that I have learned that an A is an escape from ourselves, our real lives. To perpetuate that escape, it becomes necessary to lie to ourselves, to deceive ourselves---and that is the most unhealthy, unkind, destructive and unsustainable thing a human being can do to him or herself.

Finding EAS is the best thing, the single very best thing, that has happened to me since I started my A. The instrument of my destruction---the internet---has also become a source of hope and power in my recovery in the form of finding this group.

Ending my A and facing my real life and my own issues is the hardest thing i have ever done. It is still hard. There are peaks and valleys, triggers and pitfalls. It is a long road. When I came back here, weeping, withdrawing and soul-sick, all I could think of from moment to moment was "How long? How long does this suffering last? How long until this all goes away?" I was hoping for the quick fix. Hoping that someone would say "One month----one month and you will be good as new." The reality is that it is a very long process, and it is non-linear. The beauty is that human beings are resilient, and they can heal. The proof is here.

Lillie

silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 04-10-2010 - 2:12pm

Lilliealma,

We have quite a bit in common. Our age, children, married young,and to a father figure. I was abandoned by father. I feel like I have a brother/sister relationship with DH. I have always needed the validation from men. Anyway, my last contact was Jan 13th and I am slowly healing. I don't want this to ever happen again and I too have learned so much from all of these ladies on EAS, a true life saver!

AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 04-11-2010 - 12:16am

I've been on EAS for four years now.

Onward and upward.

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