The Roller Coaster Continues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
The Roller Coaster Continues
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Thu, 04-01-2010 - 4:33pm

Ok, so granted, I've had a tumultuous week. I had to see xap yesterday. I accepted a new job today. I informed my boss of my new job and had to inform all of my colleagues, including xap. He congratulated me, thanked me, and said I deserve it. All these good changes are happening in my life and I am sitting in my office in tears.... too many emotions at once. And in the midst of all of it, I am missing xap more than I have on this entire journey. I know it's probably just because I saw him yesterday and now know that our last tie has been cut because I took this new job. I will read the healing library and spend some time with my H tonight... but I am hurting. My whole body hurts. I am so tired of the struggle even though I know it's worth it. And even though I know these moments pass and everything will be ok, my heart hurts.

I hate it when xap rents space in my head, so I work so hard NOT to think about him, but today I have thought about nothing but him. I wrote him this letter, that I will NOT send... instead I post here so you can all kick me in my a&% and snap me out of this. This is the closest I have ever been to breaking NC... .and after I did so well yesterday. Damn roller coaster.

To Him:

Hi. I know that it’s been two months since we’ve spoken. I know that most likely, you will not respond to this, and that is okay. I know that what was between us is no more. I know that any sort of personal contact with you will hinder my healing. However, at the end of your last letter, you said that you would be here if I wanted to say hello or good morning, and you probably feel differently now, but today, I want to say hello. And the point of my hello is not to reopen any doors, but just to let you know that I am okay and to find out if you are okay, too. I’ve been unable to stop caring about you, despite all that has transpired since we last met. I know it’s foolish to believe that you would still care about me too, and I am only kidding myself when I say that I am sending this because I think you’d want to know how I am. Realistically, I know it’s selfish of me to send this, and I am sorry. But I do want you to know that my silence was not a punishment. My silence was meant as a gift, to you and to myself in order for us to move forward.

Maybe you haven’t thought about me since it ended. Maybe me walking out that door was such a relief to you, that you’ve left it behind completely. If so, I commend you. I am working on that and getting closer each day. I do think about you often and probably will for a very long time. And I do worry about you. I know that our paths diverged and that we have to move on in our own way, separately. I know that. But I do hope that you are okay. I hope that you are on the road to happiness. I hope you have learned as much as I have through this process. I hope that you are doing all you can for your family and for yourself.

It’s strange to think that you are no longer in my life and will never be again. Forever without you seems impossible to comprehend, but I know it is only that silly hopeless romantic in me that wants to hold onto a piece of you forever. If I could do it all over again, I would not allow our relationship to escalate the way that it did. You were my friend. I miss that the most, and I mourn the idea that we can never be friends again.

I have done a lot of healing these past two months. I am much a different person today than I was then. I sacrificed my self-worth and my dignity during our relationship. I am embarrassed. I know that it does not matter what you think of me… or at least it should not matter, but it does. I do not like the person I became. What we had caged me in a fog. I was unable to see reality. I truly thought that you and I would end up together. I envisioned a fantasy and allowed it to become my reality. I truly thought that my marriage was doomed. I had convinced myself that my husband was a bad person. I now see how foolish all of that was. I am not saying that my feelings for you were not real because they were. But I allowed it all to build up in my head and spiral out of control. It was the fog of the affair. It clouded my judgement. I was ready to throw away my life for it. I am glad that I did not.

Since walking away, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. It’s been painful to say the least. I’ve had to face some harsh realities about my character. But, each day I do grow stronger. I am able to look ahead with hope… real hope. When I sent that last letter to you in January, I said that I was going to take 30 days to find renewed clarity. Obviously, it’s been longer than that since you’ve heard from me. Once I reached 30 days, I had found a new sense of clarity. It became clear that there is no you and I, that I became a shell of a woman inside our relationship, that my marriage is worth fighting for, and that not contacting you is the only way to heal. I also said that I was going to leave my husband and move in with friends. That’s not exactly what happened. The day after I sent you that email, my husband read it and your response. I left my email open by accident. We had a long talk that day. It was excruciating. He was made painfully aware that the last several months of his life had been a lie. That was a lot for him to grapple with. The guilt and shame that descended upon me was almost too much to bear. Not only was I dealing with the ending of our relationship, but I was now faced with what my actions had done to my real life. My actions had horrific consequences, not only for myself, but for my husband. My betrayal destroyed him.

The days after that are a blur. I dealt with a lot of emotions surrounding you and surrounding my marriage. My husband forgave me. I have never seen such strength in an individual. I have never experienced such unconditional love. We started counseling, and through those sessions I realized that I had completely shut him out and that I did not trust him enough to be open with him. We are now both working on our communication with each other. It’s hard work. It challenges me in a way that I’ve never been challenged. It is forcing me to be honest with myself, which is scary. I have not been honest with myself in a long time. I also found a support group and started to work hard on myself. So far, all of the hard work is paying off. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Little by little I am regaining my dignity and confidence. I have owned up to my indiscretions. I’ve laid them all out on the table for my husband to see. And together, we have agreed to leave the past behind and move forward. My heart swells with love and adoration for him. Our relationship has reached a level of intimacy that we have never known before. I have regained the ability to be totally transparent with him. I am now able to fully share who I am with him— my positives as well as my negatives. It’s an unparalleled feeling.

I do not condone my past behavior. I am ashamed of myself. I carry guilt in my heart for what I’ve done to my husband and to myself. I carry that same guilt for what I did to you, though that is some times overshadowed with blaming you. For that I am sorry. Blaming you is the easy way out. You are not a scapegoat for my own misdeeds. I am equally, if not more so, responsible for what transpired. But had it not all happened, I may not have been able to rediscover the strength of my marriage. If it had not happened, I may not have been knocked down in order to see that I have a lot of work to do. It’s been a painful and humbling experience.

There’s so much more I could say. I’ve experienced so much growth in the past 2 months. It’s impossible for me to convey all of my new understandings to you. I guess, I just really wanted to say “hello.” I know there’s no point in saying it. You cross my mind often, and like I said before, I truly do hope that you are on the road to happiness. I hope you live a full life. This experience has changed me forever… and will be with me always.

BLAH. I AM FEELING PATHETIC TODAY.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 5:05pm

Oh Jane (tears streaming down MY face after reading your post),


You've cut that last tie.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 5:40pm

CSN is right Jane, you cut last tie and you are realizing it.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 7:00pm

Jane,


Saying “hello” is the opposite of saying “good-bye.”

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 7:03pm

Jane,

My heart is breaking for you. I could have written that letter- i think most of us could relate with everything you said. You are hurting today. I think that after the euphoria of how wonderful yesterday was, after getting through it and feeling so proud (as you should) the reality of it may have hit you a little hard today.

Jane, although I do often say how strong you are and how much I admire you- PLEASE know that it's OKAY to have weak moments. It is okay to feel the pain and the hurt, to miss him, and to feel sad. That doesn't make you any less admirable or make your progress any less than what it is- amazing.

Just breathe through this honey. The moment will pass. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. I am thinking of you, and sending you love and support and positive vibes.

((((HUGE HUGS)))
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 7:52pm

First off, (((Jane))), I am so, so sorry you are in the throes of this incredible low, especially coming off such an amazing high yesterday. Congratulations on the new job! Like the other posters before me have said, your body, your mind, your emotions, are responding to that last thread being severed by the action of accepting a new job, which is what you KNOW you needed to do to move on and take another huge step toward that new sense of clarity you've been striving toward.

I also think that our bodies sometimes buckle under these roller-coaster ups and downs--new job, new clarity, new life with your DH, tempered with the anticipation, dread, vulnerability and fear associated with both seeing your xAP and starting a new career. It's a LOT to deal with. You're carrying a very heavy load right now, emotionally speaking. So do not be ashamed about feeling sad or weak. You hear it all the time from your friends on this board...you are an inspiration, and everyone is so proud of how strong you've been throughout this seemingly never-ending roller coaster ride.

I don't have to tell you that it would be counterproductive to your healing to send that letter. I know how tempting it is. The "It can't hurt" thoughts that the little devil on your shoulder whispers into your ear. You know it very well can and WILL hurt. And that's why you're not going to send it.

It was a long letter that covered so many areas that I'm sure we can all relate to, but this section of it stuck out to me the most:

"If I could do it all over again, I would not allow our relationship to escalate the way that it did. You were my friend. I miss that the most, and I mourn the idea that we can never be friends again."

My xAP said this to me all the time when we would try to end it. It would sadden me when he would say that, because to me it meant that he could live without the physical stuff, the passionate kissing and generally being with each other. And it always leads me to wonder...where was the shift? Where did "friends" turn into "lovers"? Was there one conversation? One moment? I know it HIT me in one moment, like a lightning bolt. I don't know where one ended and the other began, because it felt so natural...so looking back, I don't know where I would have put up the red flag. Not that it matters, at all, because as E1 commented, there are no re-do's.

Anyway, sorry, didn't mean to hijack your thread...just rhapsodizing on old times, and still striving toward that clarity, like you.

Lastly, E1...I just wanted to tell you what a beautiful response that was. You have mastered the art of crafting an insightful and moving response through lovely analogies. Please don't stop!

Wishing everyone well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 8:59pm

Jane,


I don't have the strength today to write a long, eloquent message, but I did want you to know that

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 11:19pm

OMG, Jane--that letter is beautiful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 8:40am

Jane,

<>

Understandable, and he'll continue to have occupancy in your head until you are finally able to let him go. Everyone who has posted in this thread has covered, one way or another, why yesterday was such a mixed bag of emotions for you. When reality comes knocking on our door, we have no idea that the concept standing behind it can be so painful.

All that adrenaline that has been pumping through your veins this last week has now subsided. What's left is a feeling of emptiness, even though there are new dreams waiting for you right around the corner. Your heart cannot look that far ahead right now because it needs to finally mourn the loss of XMM and all that was attached to that chapter of your life. The truth is, now the real healing can begin. Letters, blogs, journals, etc. are great for emotional release, but they cannot compare to what *time* will do from here on in.

Affairs diminish us, even when they are supposedly over. The emotional/physical/and spiritual ramifications in the aftermath are still left to deal with. You have support of a loving H, a group of EAS sisters, and a whole new future to build. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones, my dear. You have been given a second chance to make things right in your world.

Grieve your losses, embrace your gains, and let the winds of time carry you to where you now need to go.....

Love and blessings,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 12:03pm

Jane, You hang tough girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 12:56pm

Jane,
"I FEEL PATHETIC"

You aren't pathetic, you are human!
We all understand the huge range of emotions involved in this situation; you can take that for granted!

Just last night I tried to explain to my H (post dday from Jan after EA of about a year) how this group is helping me sort through where to go from here. What does he say: "There's a group of people who support me too!!!" With a pretty serious look, as in: you are the one on the outside of the social norm here and remember this can be 'enforced' if needed (we are committed to working this through in our M and so far making progress though, in truth, he hasn't become a super ally buddy to help me get past the A, but that is another story). Mostly I think he's amazingly mature in how he has handled my wayward behavior. Stuck though: my emotional needs continue to be unmet.

You can come here and disclose all these toxic crazy making feelings. It's therapy without a bill!

So keep on processing. It's all good. Personally I found the Doing Nothing in the healing library BRILLIANT when I felt compulsive about wanting to write my XAP an email the other day (he doesn't know details of dday still; long story).

Sure enough, he contacted me, on his terms, within 24 hours that I thought I wanted to send him my long winded emotional email. Am I happy to hear from him on his terms? Not so much. But I am happy I didn't through my emotions all out in plan view.

Truth is: we do all this emoting because of who we are! My emoting is not one of the things my H loves best about me. And, when I was upset after dday, I found out my AP isn't really up for emoting either. (At the time I called him my f&*king second H, as in unavailable in emotional crisis!)

So come emote with us! But leave it there because AP's never get it. They are always coming from their own reality/head space.

Currently I'm trying to decide if I am willing to run an exchange: stroke my XAP's ego in exchange for an outlet for adult play outside my M. What an insane gamble this would be, gambling dday 2. Just write me off as still in the fog....

Thanks for being real, Jane, and everyone else too!

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