The Roller Coaster Continues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
The Roller Coaster Continues
14
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 4:33pm

Ok, so granted, I've had a tumultuous week. I had to see xap yesterday. I accepted a new job today. I informed my boss of my new job and had to inform all of my colleagues, including xap. He congratulated me, thanked me, and said I deserve it. All these good changes are happening in my life and I am sitting in my office in tears.... too many emotions at once. And in the midst of all of it, I am missing xap more than I have on this entire journey. I know it's probably just because I saw him yesterday and now know that our last tie has been cut because I took this new job. I will read the healing library and spend some time with my H tonight... but I am hurting. My whole body hurts. I am so tired of the struggle even though I know it's worth it. And even though I know these moments pass and everything will be ok, my heart hurts.

I hate it when xap rents space in my head, so I work so hard NOT to think about him, but today I have thought about nothing but him. I wrote him this letter, that I will NOT send... instead I post here so you can all kick me in my a&% and snap me out of this. This is the closest I have ever been to breaking NC... .and after I did so well yesterday. Damn roller coaster.

To Him:

Hi. I know that it’s been two months since we’ve spoken. I know that most likely, you will not respond to this, and that is okay. I know that what was between us is no more. I know that any sort of personal contact with you will hinder my healing. However, at the end of your last letter, you said that you would be here if I wanted to say hello or good morning, and you probably feel differently now, but today, I want to say hello. And the point of my hello is not to reopen any doors, but just to let you know that I am okay and to find out if you are okay, too. I’ve been unable to stop caring about you, despite all that has transpired since we last met. I know it’s foolish to believe that you would still care about me too, and I am only kidding myself when I say that I am sending this because I think you’d want to know how I am. Realistically, I know it’s selfish of me to send this, and I am sorry. But I do want you to know that my silence was not a punishment. My silence was meant as a gift, to you and to myself in order for us to move forward.

Maybe you haven’t thought about me since it ended. Maybe me walking out that door was such a relief to you, that you’ve left it behind completely. If so, I commend you. I am working on that and getting closer each day. I do think about you often and probably will for a very long time. And I do worry about you. I know that our paths diverged and that we have to move on in our own way, separately. I know that. But I do hope that you are okay. I hope that you are on the road to happiness. I hope you have learned as much as I have through this process. I hope that you are doing all you can for your family and for yourself.

It’s strange to think that you are no longer in my life and will never be again. Forever without you seems impossible to comprehend, but I know it is only that silly hopeless romantic in me that wants to hold onto a piece of you forever. If I could do it all over again, I would not allow our relationship to escalate the way that it did. You were my friend. I miss that the most, and I mourn the idea that we can never be friends again.

I have done a lot of healing these past two months. I am much a different person today than I was then. I sacrificed my self-worth and my dignity during our relationship. I am embarrassed. I know that it does not matter what you think of me… or at least it should not matter, but it does. I do not like the person I became. What we had caged me in a fog. I was unable to see reality. I truly thought that you and I would end up together. I envisioned a fantasy and allowed it to become my reality. I truly thought that my marriage was doomed. I had convinced myself that my husband was a bad person. I now see how foolish all of that was. I am not saying that my feelings for you were not real because they were. But I allowed it all to build up in my head and spiral out of control. It was the fog of the affair. It clouded my judgement. I was ready to throw away my life for it. I am glad that I did not.

Since walking away, I’ve done a lot of soul-searching. It’s been painful to say the least. I’ve had to face some harsh realities about my character. But, each day I do grow stronger. I am able to look ahead with hope… real hope. When I sent that last letter to you in January, I said that I was going to take 30 days to find renewed clarity. Obviously, it’s been longer than that since you’ve heard from me. Once I reached 30 days, I had found a new sense of clarity. It became clear that there is no you and I, that I became a shell of a woman inside our relationship, that my marriage is worth fighting for, and that not contacting you is the only way to heal. I also said that I was going to leave my husband and move in with friends. That’s not exactly what happened. The day after I sent you that email, my husband read it and your response. I left my email open by accident. We had a long talk that day. It was excruciating. He was made painfully aware that the last several months of his life had been a lie. That was a lot for him to grapple with. The guilt and shame that descended upon me was almost too much to bear. Not only was I dealing with the ending of our relationship, but I was now faced with what my actions had done to my real life. My actions had horrific consequences, not only for myself, but for my husband. My betrayal destroyed him.

The days after that are a blur. I dealt with a lot of emotions surrounding you and surrounding my marriage. My husband forgave me. I have never seen such strength in an individual. I have never experienced such unconditional love. We started counseling, and through those sessions I realized that I had completely shut him out and that I did not trust him enough to be open with him. We are now both working on our communication with each other. It’s hard work. It challenges me in a way that I’ve never been challenged. It is forcing me to be honest with myself, which is scary. I have not been honest with myself in a long time. I also found a support group and started to work hard on myself. So far, all of the hard work is paying off. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Little by little I am regaining my dignity and confidence. I have owned up to my indiscretions. I’ve laid them all out on the table for my husband to see. And together, we have agreed to leave the past behind and move forward. My heart swells with love and adoration for him. Our relationship has reached a level of intimacy that we have never known before. I have regained the ability to be totally transparent with him. I am now able to fully share who I am with him— my positives as well as my negatives. It’s an unparalleled feeling.

I do not condone my past behavior. I am ashamed of myself. I carry guilt in my heart for what I’ve done to my husband and to myself. I carry that same guilt for what I did to you, though that is some times overshadowed with blaming you. For that I am sorry. Blaming you is the easy way out. You are not a scapegoat for my own misdeeds. I am equally, if not more so, responsible for what transpired. But had it not all happened, I may not have been able to rediscover the strength of my marriage. If it had not happened, I may not have been knocked down in order to see that I have a lot of work to do. It’s been a painful and humbling experience.

There’s so much more I could say. I’ve experienced so much growth in the past 2 months. It’s impossible for me to convey all of my new understandings to you. I guess, I just really wanted to say “hello.” I know there’s no point in saying it. You cross my mind often, and like I said before, I truly do hope that you are on the road to happiness. I hope you live a full life. This experience has changed me forever… and will be with me always.

BLAH. I AM FEELING PATHETIC TODAY.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 6:24pm

Thank you everyone for your very insightful posts. They've given me a lot of food for thought and I want to respond fully. It's been a rough couple of days, but now is the time to truly pick up the pieces and move on. I will post more this week- I don't have a lot of time to post here when I am home... but I wanted you all to know that I am hanging in. I am dealing with a lot of emotions- not only regarding the A, but with M, as well. I did NOT break NC and will not break NC. I have 90 days and tweenerville within my sights.

Love to all... and a Happy Holiday :)

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 9:54am

I am so glad to hear that you made it through the LC strong. Of course you did because you are strong, you had a plan and you care about your M. Now you say that your emotions are still running wild? That makes sense. You wouldn’t be here if this wasn’t hard, but it is done. It is over and life will get easier from here on out.

Writing this letter was a great exercise because it allows you to see inside yourself after recently being in contact with your XAP. It shows you how easy it is for a woman of such strength to be pulled by the draw of the addiction. It shows how quickly we are to forgive our XAPs for their half of the indiscretions and assume full responsibility of the A. Of course it is easy. It is easy because that was our role. Our role in their life was to soften their reality.

So, when you find yourself thinking about him,

Remember, this is a man that pulled you along until it damaged your soul and in this letter (which also means in your heart) you are forgiving him. You are still worrying about him, which is the exact power you have been trying to shake.

Remember, the A could not have survived if you hadn’t made the choices you made and become the person you don’t like. This is the behavior he liked and supported in you because it stroked his ego. Don’t forgive him for this and don’t accept the entire burden. Be strong and hold him accountable for his half of the choices.

You are good and you are strong. You are worth more than you could imagine.

LM3

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 1:43pm

OMG- This is so insightful, Lostmyself... Thank you. I am copying this, along with E1 and Iddy's insights, into my strength folder. It is so hard for my heart to catch up with my head sometimes. I know all of this... but I need the constant reminders. This is a process, and I have a long way to go.

Thanks!

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 4:05pm

Great post, LM. I would love to see more of you. ;-)

(((Hugs)))

   ~Iddy~ 


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