The root..... was it ever the A?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
The root..... was it ever the A?
4
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:53am
This post may sound harsh at times, but please know that from my heart, i dont mean it to be harsh. Also, forgive me if it gets lengthy.

I have been reading posts on here like crazy lately and just havent responded much. But I do have some general thoughts for most of the people here(myself included).

First, I guess I will start with a question I would like to ask you all. This is a question I often asked myself while I was married, up until I divorced. Question: Why do we focus more on someone that we know we will never have, rather than focusing on the person we are with and fixing the problems there? By fixing the problems in or with the Marriage you are in, I do not mean that you will always be able to salvage the marriage. In some cases you are able to. But in the same reality, some cases as did mine, end in divorce. I just wonder from those of you out there who are married, and have had the A, what makes you stay in the Marriage?

Some people will choose to settle for what they have at home, simply because the A went sour and they dont believe that they will ever find better than what they have at home. Now, if you have a great husband and he gave you NO reason to get involved in an A, then I agree he is worth keeping and every bit worth ending the A for, but then that brings the question of what was lacking in the Marriage to make you go through with the A in the first place? However, if the marriage on an average is just something you are settling for out of fear of the new and unknown, then why involve someone else in your life.... why allow them to become a part of something (your life) that you choose to stay in?

We often, myself included in every part of this post... because I was married for over 10 years and was in my A for 4 years, call these men "cakemen". I agree with that. But I also agree that if we are married as well and we arent willing to leave our spouse for a better life, then we too are "cakemen". We say that we lack all these things at home, and yet stay there for so long. We say we want a normal relationship, yet we wont leave the abnormal relationship we are in, and we wont try to fix it. Instead we focus all of our energy on someone who can do NOTHING about the problems in our lives. These A's are quick fixes to a problem that will eventually resurface in our life with or without the A.

It took me ending my A to figure out if my marriage had room to grow or if it was over. I often fought with the idea of leaving someone I had been with for so long, only to fear never finding someone else who could love me, or deal with me and put up with my ways for as long as my H did, and the same for him with me. After I ended the A I found that my marriage had been long over before the A started, which is where the A stemmed from in the first place. I knew that if I could fall so much in love with the man of my A, then I never was that much in love with H, if ever at all. We all feel guilt trips for what we have done. We feel guilty for the mistakes we have made, and we take responsibilty for those mistakes, but are we really being fair to our spouses? The guilt doesnt make up for the mistakes. Guilt is just the consiquence we pay. But the time we spend away from our spouse, physically and emotionally due to the A, just doesnt seem fair if our spouses really are great and wonderful people. Why not at least allow them to move on to someone who can give them what they deserve, or either take the time to figure out what the problems are in the marriage and work with many efforts to fix them, and make it worth it for both spouses to stay?

My A was a very long and very hard road. Looking back on it now, even after I have divorced, I question what kind of person I am and was. I wonder if that person will ever resurface. Only thing now that is different is that I know what the right thing to do is if it ever comes up again. I am now with a very loving man, and work daily to let go of all the damage that my A caused me emotionally. I try not to let it linger on into this new relationship. I found someone that accepted me and still does just as much as my H did, if not more. I found something real and something normal. New and unknown doesnt always have to be a negative thing, and trust me, I was more scared of that than I was the actual divorce and having to raise our daughter.

I am pretty young, only 29. I was recently diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. I have to go to the OBGYN this week to find out what all they will do to take care of it. In the midst of all of this, I have come down with a very bad sinus infection and have had to get shots, meds, etc.. Throughout this whole ordeal, my new guy has been my saviour and my rock. He has been there and loved me unconditionally. I just want you all to know that the root of the problems in your life are not from the A. The A is just the quick fix to problems that already existed. And wether it be leaving your unhappy life and finding a new and wonderful bliss, or staying in the life you have and making it a wonderful and happy bliss, take time for YOU. Figure out what it is that will make you truly happy. When you start to focus on the roots and you feed them , They turn into beautiful flowers.

Just my thoughts. Would love some discussion on your thoughts about yourself and where you are in your life and what positive things you could do to fix your life.

Hugs and Love,

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 10:08am
Thanks so much for your thoughts and for responding to my post below. I am just curious about something. If your OM loved you and he was single, why didn't you end up with him after your divorce? Please respond. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:25pm
I guess my situation is alittle different cause I'm not married but I have been in a relationship for 7 years... and yet the relationship had evolved into more of a friendship - best friends thing and not a romantic or sexual relationship at all! We'd already identified we would not marry and so the relationship doesn't play a part in it all for me. But I got involved with my exMM because I loved him - honestly that was my reason! I'd worked for him for 2 years before anything even surfaced! Infact he's since told me he thought I didn't even like him - and I know why he says that because I use to PRAY that God would make me unattracted to him and make him unattractive to me so that I would STOP fantasizing about him! LOL There would be weeks when my prayers were answered and he'd irritate the heck out of me - but then there'd be weeks where I'd just have to avoid him as much as I could so I wouldn't mess up and flirt with him or make an advance that I was just SURE he'd not be okay with!

Come to find out about the time I wanted to approach him with my feelings and suggest I leave my job - he approached me... and the rest is history!

Anyway... I know in my heart I'll NEVER get involved with another MM - it has been the most painful thing I've ever had to go through and to think I get to live with it the rest of life never really sure if I'll ever be completely over him! Always scared if he shows up and says all the right things and wants me I'll cave! 5... 10... 15 years from now! :( But I have faith that someone is going to come into my life that will BLOW my experience with exMM right out of the water and I'll remember him fondly but never feel a need for him again! *folds hands in prayer position* LOL

I guess for me - I know what exMM brought to my life - and it WAS what I was missing with my best friend/exboyfriend! Sexual passion, ROMANCE, conversation and intense feelings that couldn't be denied! Even when exboyfriend and I use to have sex... I NEVER remember him looking into my eyes like exMM did! I want that again someday! :)

But the thing that scares me MOST is... obviously I'd been with exboyfriend for a number of years so it makes sense that the passion and romance had subsided and subdued (even though it had NEVER been as great as it was with exMM - not with exboyfriend or ANY of the men before exMM). And finally being able to release all that I'd been hiding for 2 years it makes sense that being with exMM was SO intense - but... WHO IS TO SAY... things with exMM wouldn't have eventually evened out and even became mundane!? I don't think so but... W! ROTFL

So... here's my fear... someday I'm gonna meet THE ONE - I'll know it instantly... and it's gonna be 100 to 150 times better than things were with exMM - the passion - the romance - the love shared between us - it's gonna be AWESOME! BUT... what happens when that passion and romance and shared intensity starts to lessen - what if after years of being together things end up like exboyfriend and I - or like exMM's marriage... will *I* cheat? Or will I stand by the man I married? I know those of you that are married NEVER thought you'd be in this place - just as I NEVER thought I'd EVER invade another woman's marraige - but I did and as of yet I don't *regret* or feel *sorry* over what I did - I loved him and I shouldn't have done it but I wouldn't give back a single memory! What I have to live with the rest of my life - I guess for me - doesn't seem as painful as what a woman who lays next to her husband every night has to live with - and I'm afraid of someday living with that! :( So... WHOA did I just write all this? Sorry - and yet... that's MY insight! :p LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:35pm
My OM was single during most of our A. He had dated people off and on when he got lonely from me not being able to be there like a normal relationship allows. However, after we ended the A, we had NC for over a year. During that time he met someone else, and so did I. I had gotten divorced while in the midst of NC with OM. My new relationship wasnt very serious at the time and when I called OM to let him know I had divorced and was ready to have a great relationship with him if he still wanted it, he was already seriously involved with this new woman. To the point that they are getting married in Oct.

I told him I still loved him, and he told me the same, but said he couldnt hurt her. Since then he has tried to run back and forth with me for possibly another secret relationship while he stays with her. I am now very serious with the new man in my life and have decided that my exOM isnt worth losing a great and wonderful new relationship that is NORMAL and OPEN. If exOM truly loved me then he would have been with me when I called him. Especially after spending 4 years with me.

My divorce didnt make a difference to him even though for 4 years it was what he claimed was holding us back. The A ended before the divorce came so that I could see what was right for ME. My M had been long over and so the divorce was a long time coming. However in the end, it didnt make a difference as far as where I stood with exOM, but it has made a huge difference for ME. Thats what counts. exOM can go and live his life with disrespect for the woman he is with, that is his choice, and I hope he finds happiness, but ME, I get to have something special and real, and I am not losing it just to play his games. I hope this answered your question and feel free to post to me anytime if you need to talk, vent, or have anymore questions. Take care sweetie!

Hugs and Love,

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 4:25pm
What a great topic, thanks for raising it. First of all, I want to send you my heartfelt blessings and positive thoughts with your cancer. You'll be in my prayers and please keep us updated here.

My mind has actually been wandering down this road quite a bit recently. What kind of person was/am I????

I don't believe my A had as much to do with my DH and as it did me. I think my A was an attempt to fill THE VOID. I've posted quite a bit about my personal life on this board, and I just don't feel like going into all the details now. Long, long story short, my marriage got very difficult because of some extreme circumstances external to the relationship, and neither DH nor I coped with them very well. We had nothing to put into the marriage, nothing of ourselves to give the other, and as a sad result, turned outside of ourselves, both to other people and substances.

The blessing here is that we both got alot of help - individual counseling and 12-step program. As a result, we've been able to rebuild the marriage AND, maybe even more important, clean up ourselves alot. I now understand that I can't look outside of myself for happiness, and I've learned much more constructive ways to cope with the circumstances in my life. I'm a much happier person, so I've got more to give to my family.

As far as staying in my marriage because it was better than the alternative, I think I addressed this as well in therapy. I now live by a saying of Wayne Dyer that "when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." Now I CHOOSE to look at my marriage as overall pretty good, with some shaky moments. And now I recognize that ALL relationships have some shaky moments. I dont focus so much on them anymore. I don't magnify my DH's shortcomings, I stay focused on those things about him that I truly love.

I do feel alot of guilt now about the A. Thru my 12-step program, I realize that I did alot of harm to a few people. XMM's marriage is wrecked (although I think it was pretty close to wrecked when he got involved with me). I am truly sorry for the harm I caused his wife and would really love to apologize to her. I didn't realize the gravity of my actions at the time. If I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't. That's not because it wasn't fun and satisfying for me, but that's my self-centered thinking. I wouldn't get involved in an A again because of all the harm I caused others. Sadly, I'm probably the one who suffered the least as a result of my involvement with XMM, and I probably deserve to be the one who suffered the most.

JMHO. Again, great topic. Thanks for raising it. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10