Rough morning
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Rough morning
| Sat, 12-05-2009 - 11:19am |
Ok, ladies, I need a little pep talk. It was 4 weeks yesterday since the last time I had any contact with him whatsoever. I was doing pretty good...sad, but feeling the fog lifting. But this morning I wake up and I can't stop crying. NOTHING is working to take my mind off of him or even to turn

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I can relate to your bad morning, I woke up because of intense dreams of XAP. I wish they would just go away for good.
Theres is alot of smart people on this board that are more qualified to give you the advice that is needed. But here is mine. Wipe the tears away, no matter how many they are and take a deep breath and go out and do something that makes you feel good.....more or less get busy. Make a list of things that youve always been interested in doing and start doing some homework about it. This is no longer about him its all about YOU. Its time to make you happy and begin healing.
Im 4 months in NC and I still have bad days, days where I want to talk to him, I still dream about him, still cry about the last time I saw him and how cold and heartless he is/was. All of that pain is still there as if it was day 1 but its up to me to decide if I want to feel his hurt for the rest of my life....or for that matter just today. Its hard to swallow it all,which is why with each passing day with NC it allows you to digest alittle at a time. Of course these bad days are apart of healing but its how we make it through them is what makes us stronger. You can bet that hes not laying around crying about how 'horrible' you were to him....the fact is hes probably out still playing his games....so dont spend another minute thinking about 'the good times' and what not, start thinking about what good times YOUR planning for yourself.
~side note~ On my really bad days, I crank up the tunes and sing at the top of my lungs....fighter by Christina A*, Im a music junkie so that song empowers me to get the F*ck You attitude that I need towards XAP.
HTH Hugs
I am really new to this, so I will do my best. I can relate to everything you are saying, seeing him with another has to sting. I mean, I can only imagine. I have seen emails and pics of other women and that burns, live and in person is something I wonder whether or not I could even handle.
Your feelings are normal. I agree with the others advice. N give yourself a pat on the back. NC for a 4 weeks is an accomplishment. I have gone a week at most. You are having an off day. We all have those. try to do something for you...call a friend, do some Xmas shopping if you can, see a movie with no romance, read something. Do something for you. But do not beat yourself up about how you feel. I pray I get to 4 weeks. I hope I am as strong as you have been.
This is a long road for all of us. One day at a time, one hour at a time. The last time was the way it was for a reason. Hopefully for you to see things the way you needed them to be. N ALL men start out sweet and tender. Its only later on that we see their true colors. I did not know my guy was even married until 4 months in...and even then, I found out. He did not tell me.
I am sorry that your are having a bad morning. I struggle with mornings. Very tough for me. Hang in there and write me back if you need to. I too am a venter and it just helps to get it out. Hope the rest of your day goes better, hang in there....
UTBN,
Well, I am hoping you have pulled yourself together since your wrote this. A good cry is necessary sometimes and venting can do wonders. A personal journal is always a good idea too, and because you are M, you could start one on your computer, making sure it's in a hidden folder somewhere. Delete as you go if it makes you feel more secure. You can also google personal journals and see what pops us.
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Yes, it does suck. ;-) BTDT and I am now 5 years out of an A that lasted almost as long as yours did. I
Thanks for your responses. It does help and I appreciate the support more than you know! Not much time to respond right now (my daughter just came home so I pulled myself together for her) but wanted you to know that you helped...:)
Just wanted to thank you again for your support yesterday. I thought about the things you said all day, and it helped me get some strength and perspective back.
It was just so weird to feel such intense emotion all of
Thanks for posting this...I could relate to your analogy with the computer. I have moments like that. I am happy to her you are better. Really. It gives me hope. I am on day 3. Cant wait till I can say day 33. I honestly can not. I know he will somehow come fishing before that. I am just preparing myself. Sure, I have blocked him all kinds of ways, but he can call from another number or email from some new email account. I just pray and I do mean pray, that I am strong enough to blow it off. He is coming for me, this I know. Its just a matter of time as to when. I wonder if I count on him to do so. Somewhere I know I want him to. But I also want him to know he is being ignored. Its like I still want to know he wants me, but I want the comfort of knowing I will reject him.
I realize that is not me really letting go. I do realize that. I hope that feeling will pass. I wonder is this normal. So far day three is ok. He is on my mind, but not ruling my day.
please offer some insight into why i want him to contact me...am i fooling myself? please prepare me
Sienna,
Well, I'm right there with you on wanting him to try to contact me even though I know it's somewhat dangerous (since I've always been so weak with him). I can tell you why I want that though, and it has nothing to do with wanting him back or wanting to keep things going, because I don't.
It is partially ego. He was so cruel and made me feel so unwanted, I want him to come crawling back to relieve a little of that awful rejected feeling.
Control. He always had the control because I LET him have control...it was always him who dictated when we talked, if we talked, if we were on or off, etc. etc. I thought I was being "flexible' but I was really just being played. If he calls, I can ignore him (and absolutely plan to) giving me just a little of that control back. I will know that I am the one making the decision NOT to talk.
Revenge/Anger. I know I can't really hurt him and even though I admit to fantasizing about destroying his life by calling everyone he knows and telling them what he really is, I would never do it. Those people are innocent bystanders and it's not fair to hurt them to try to get to him. I'm
I have to fess up...I have moments when I want to be contacted as well. Tomorrow will be 4 wks. NC for me. I was at 3 wks and ran into him last Monday, BUT I decided I wasn't starting my counter over b/c I had no control over that accidental meeting. I was already there, and he came over and sat next to me. I got up and left shortly after he sat down.
Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you both feel. I also want that satisfaction of ignoring him when he comes a knockin'. Those feelings are starting to fade, but I can say had he contacted me a couple of weeks ago, I would have jumped right back in. Now, I'm further removed, have had time to really think. I see him for what he is and how I was feeding that MONSTER.
I still tear up occasionally. And when he pops in my head, I look at him and say, "Oh HELL NO!" and I banish him LOL!!
I too want those small victories. i want them so bad. and ignoring him will drive him crazy. it really does. it does bad. its not cuz of me, its his ego. its the fact that he wants to feel in control. everything you said was true in your email. its all about control, so a small victory is nice. I am sure by now he has gone home to his wife...i put him out n he runs to her, which is great for me. let her have the headache.
he has never been true, i am one of many, many.
and it does seem unfair. they get off free of it all. i am staying blocked tho, my own protection, the only way he can get to me is via an email from some new or different address. he and i have nothing, absolutely nothing to discuss.
he will find a way....just a matter of time. it may two weeks, it may be two months...hoping its two months...i know by then i will be so ready to ignore. Hopeful for a small victory
and who knows maybe by then, i wont even look at it like that, i will look at it like that....it will be just something I need to ignore and keep it moving.
Day 4 tomorrow. One day at a time!
Hope u are on here during the week, I work here and there from home so I have a lot of time on my hands...I am actually scared of the during the week....the house is empty. its quiet, and I see him all over my house. hope u guys are around during the week too.....
We may think they get away scott free or unscathed when they 'appear' to go about their lives.
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