Round and round we go
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Round and round we go
| Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:32pm |
So, here I go again....I broke nc and for whatever reason OM responds. He feels like playing, leads me on for a couple of days and then kicks me to the curb. I don't know what it is that makes me continue to reach out to someone that can't decide whether he wants me or not.
I don't feel sorry for myself...I just can't stand not being able to let go. I mean he's not the greatest guy in the world, the longer I know him, the less I like about him. But he's been such a huge part of my life for 4 years and I don't know how to let that go and what is going to fill that void.
Isn't there some magic fairy dust that can make all these thoughts go away. I know that this is about me and how I feel about myself. There for a while I actually didn't want or need him in my life. He offered and I said "no." That was probably the strongest time of my life. I had told my husband to leave, said no to the OM and was determined not to have any relationship with any man at that time of my life. God it felt so good!!
I wonder where that person has gone....I let my husband come back home and within 4 months I initiated contact with OM. I feel like such a pathetic person who's not strong enough to just leave well enough alone. Why do I need this OM around at all? My life is decent, my husband may have a lot of faults but he loves me and I have 2 wonderful children. What makes me put all this in jeopardy for someone that doesn't even want me? Or rather doesn't want me today. Maybe it's the knowledge that eventually he changes his mind and calls me and I let myself get drawn back into this cycle.
I have even tried the rubber band trick and am hoping it will bring me to my senses...if I have any left!
I don't feel sorry for myself...I just can't stand not being able to let go. I mean he's not the greatest guy in the world, the longer I know him, the less I like about him. But he's been such a huge part of my life for 4 years and I don't know how to let that go and what is going to fill that void.
Isn't there some magic fairy dust that can make all these thoughts go away. I know that this is about me and how I feel about myself. There for a while I actually didn't want or need him in my life. He offered and I said "no." That was probably the strongest time of my life. I had told my husband to leave, said no to the OM and was determined not to have any relationship with any man at that time of my life. God it felt so good!!
I wonder where that person has gone....I let my husband come back home and within 4 months I initiated contact with OM. I feel like such a pathetic person who's not strong enough to just leave well enough alone. Why do I need this OM around at all? My life is decent, my husband may have a lot of faults but he loves me and I have 2 wonderful children. What makes me put all this in jeopardy for someone that doesn't even want me? Or rather doesn't want me today. Maybe it's the knowledge that eventually he changes his mind and calls me and I let myself get drawn back into this cycle.
I have even tried the rubber band trick and am hoping it will bring me to my senses...if I have any left!

I could deepen this response some by adding that the void is "God" sized and must be filled with spirituality, but depending on where you are in life, that may sound like pure rubish, so I won't go on about that here. The bottom line is that the void is filled from within - not with men, or clothing, or dieting, or drugs, or alcohol, or shopping, or any other external "thing" we try to use to make us feel complete. Only YOU can get there.
It sounds like you've already discovered this, though. We all walk around in a fog sometimes and in moments of clarity I KNOW that neither my H nor my OMM, as wonderful as they both were and made me feel, were enough to make me feel complete. I've found that "completeness" through my spirituality, with a loving and caring higher power and some intense power yoga! I meditate, I read daily meditations, I'm taking a personal inventory, and just trying to do the right thing, which is easier said than done most days.
Best of luck to you, honey, and stop beating yourself up. Use that energy to make some positive changes!